[Grace205]

I'm trying to be supportive to my husband who has been diagnosed with depression (years ago) but has all the symptoms of bipolar. He was able to get an appointment for a new doctor on Monday (instead of mid-January!) so now I'm biding my time until he can get his meds adjusted.

Here's my dilemma: When I see him acting inappropriately (not dangerous or illegal), do I say something to him or just wait and get the doctor's advice? Examples:
1. We were out with another couple last night and I don't think he let either of them finish a sentence; he would interrupt or change the subject each time they started to speak.
2. My husband bought multiple gifts for a former coworker's children that were expensive and not age-appropriate for a toddler and a baby (small pieces, delicate, etc.). We're both looking for work right now and have no money coming in. I told him I was upset and that he should have asked me before he bought the presents and he said he knew I would say no so he just did it.

To sum it up, he's spending money on things we can't afford. He's getting just a few hours of sleep a night. He started smoking about 7 months ago at age 49. He gets outraged by a news story and then spend hours researching and obsessing over it, bringing it up at holiday parties, etc.

I may sound like I'm venting, but I'm really just scared. He can't prioritize what is important in his day. He will spend hours alphabetizing DVDs or editing vacation pictures, make one job-search phone call and then feel like he got a lot done with his day. I suppose I should be thankful he's not going on job interviews in this condition.

So, back to my original question: Should I just wait for the doctor's advice and/or new medicine? When I have brought up these issues, he gets really angry and says things like, "That's just how I am." "Nothing's wrong with me, it's you." "You're always criticizing me, can't you just let me enjoy myself?" He thinks his behavior is perfectly appropriate.

I am hanging all my hope on this doctor appointment on Monday.

If there's a better place to put my post, please let me know. I'm not really sure where to post things.

[Moogieotter]

Hey,

Sorry you are suffering with this dilemma. It does sounds like bipolar to me, but that offical Dx will be up to the pdoc. Are you going to the appointment with him? You might have to tread very lightly - try to be objective and describe symptoms. If you get emotional and accusatory, it might all blow up. Be very careful not to use guilt over his actions and criticism as a means of control - this will most likely backfire.

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders about it all. One of the most important things you can do is take really excellent care of yourself during this time. Keep trying to find work, stay active, get good rest and nutrition - you might need a great deal of strength to carry you guys through this.

PM me if you need. I also recommend a book called Taking Charge of Bipolar Disorder. It has good tips for loved ones.

Good Luck and Welcome to PC!

moogs

[Mountainbard]

Hi Grace-- as Moogs said the main thing you need to do is take care of yourself. One of the things about hypomania is that, when you're having an episode, it's almost impossible to realize/recognize you're having an episode, and if people call you on it you'll deny. If you can it would be great to attend his appointment with him-- both to learn more and to point out what you've been observing-- which is definitely a hypomanic episode. And I'd pick up the book Moogs recommended. It really is excellent and has lots of good tips for loved ones dealing with someone with BP.

[Grace205]

Thanks, I'll see if I can get that book as an e-book since we're in Europe. I am going to the doctor appointment with him and plan on sharing some of my observations. I keep telling myself that it's not really HIM acting like this and that he can't help himself at this time. It's still really hard when he is disrespectful and rude to me, especially in front of friends.

Thanks for your support and advice:-)

Originally Posted by Moogieotter

Hey,

Sorry you are suffering with this dilemma. It does sounds like bipolar to me, but that offical Dx will be up to the pdoc. Are you going to the appointment with him? You might have to tread very lightly - try to be objective and describe symptoms. If you get emotional and accusatory, it might all blow up. Be very careful not to use guilt over his actions and criticism as a means of control - this will most likely backfire.

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders about it all. One of the most important things you can do is take really excellent care of yourself during this time. Keep trying to find work, stay active, get good rest and nutrition - you might need a great deal of strength to carry you guys through this.

PM me if you need. I also recommend a book called Taking Charge of Bipolar Disorder. It has good tips for loved ones.

Good Luck and Welcome to PC!

moogs

[Grace205]

Thanks for your advice. It's good to be reminded that when someone is having a manic episode, it feels good and if someone tries to quietly point out inappropriate behavior or speech, it will seem like they're just trying to ruin the fun or be a party pooper. I know I often feel like the buzz-kill when we're out with friends. My husband is the life of the party, loud, laughing, joking, etc., but I am on edge thinking that at any time he's going to say something really inappropriate or just be rude by interrupting friends, insulting me, etc. My stomach is in knots the whole time we're out. Lately I just stay home and let him go out without me.

I am planning on attending the doctor's appointment with him. I know if I don't go, he'll lie about his sleep and his behavior. I don't even know if he knows he's "lying", he just doesn't know he does most of the things he does, like interrupting, inappropriate speech (swearing in church), outrage over small things, etc.

Thanks again for your support and advice.

Originally Posted by Mountainbard

Hi Grace-- as Moogs said the main thing you need to do is take care of yourself. One of the things about hypomania is that, when you're having an episode, it's almost impossible to realize/recognize you're having an episode, and if people call you on it you'll deny. If you can it would be great to attend his appointment with him-- both to learn more and to point out what you've been observing-- which is definitely a hypomanic episode. And I'd pick up the book Moogs recommended. It really is excellent and has lots of good tips for loved ones dealing with someone with BP.

[Mountainbard]

I'm really glad you're going to the appointment with him. Your perspective and experiences are important and should help the pdoc help your husband. I think staying home at this point is a good idea-- you can't really talk to him about his behavior, and for your own good you don't need to be embarrassed or insulted. I hope Monday goes well.

[wiretwister]

You have described me to a t , ... my meds have really helped ... now I ask my wife if I think I might be heading off the rails , and I avoid social situations when ever possible . ... when he's stable he will welcome your insight , at least I do ... till he reaches that point ... I would tread lightly as he probably will over react with out even knowing it ... again this is my own experience only ... take it with a grain of salt ... peace and best wishes to you both this holiday season .... Tigger .

I really hope you go to the appointment with him and get this all off your chest. I think it's commendable that you are keeping his illness in mind while he displays this behavior but you are not out of line speaking up for yourself.
I would be furious if my husband spent a bunch of money on some coworkers kids and then said 'it not me, it's you' after I confronted him about it.
You need to protect yourself, your kids, and your money. He may be sick but that's no excuse to put you down.

[Grace205]

Thanks for the encouraging words! I'm so glad you said that his behavior is similar to yours. After many years of marriage and many, many examples of explosive and hurtful incidents, I'm embarrassed to say that it's only recently that I've connected the term "bipolar" and "manic" to these phases. For years I thought it was me and if there was just something I could do differently, he'd be nicer, curse less, be less hurtful. Maybe now there's a chance that he can get the help he needs and with that help, maybe our marriage will improve.

Thanks again for letting me know that with the proper medications and counseling, there's hope for healing.

Originally Posted by wiretwister

You have described me to a t , ... my meds have really helped ... now I ask my wife if I think I might be heading off the rails , and I avoid social situations when ever possible . ... when he's stable he will welcome your insight , at least I do ... till he reaches that point ... I would tread lightly as he probably will over react with out even knowing it ... again this is my own experience only ... take it with a grain of salt ... peace and best wishes to you both this holiday season .... Tigger .

[Grace205]

Thanks, I did go to the appointment with him. I tried not to "vent" (although that was very tempting). I did give a couple examples, one recent and one from 20 years ago, to show that this behavior is not recent and that he's been having manic phases for years, and not just as a side effect of depression medication. I think the doctor gets it and he has requested that I attend his next appointment with him as well.

Thanks again for your support!

Originally Posted by jupiter3

I really hope you go to the appointment with him and get this all off your chest. I think it's commendable that you are keeping his illness in mind while he displays this behavior but you are not out of line speaking up for yourself.
I would be furious if my husband spent a bunch of money on some coworkers kids and then said 'it not me, it's you' after I confronted him about it.
You need to protect yourself, your kids, and your money. He may be sick but that's no excuse to put you down.

[Moogieotter]

Cool Grace. Is there a treatment plan for him?