[yagalada]

I'm very confused. I know after the fact that some of the things that I thought were really happening were not. That 12 helicopters did not land on my front yard at 3 am makes perfect sense to me once I've been in the hospital for a few days. after mania I realize it was mania.

Other things not so much. right now and for the past few days, I've been trying to remind myself that my dr. did not give me a placebo to test how much my mind is making me feel better, whenever that thought comes in my head. I am trying to use rational thought but I don't believe it.

I'm not manic. I'm kinda sad and down but not lethargically depressed. But I am freaking paranoid about everything. I keep myself from calling my husband to convince him not to leave me because he made a frown at me this morning I think he doesnt want to come home.

Lately I think everyone is testing me. I hate it. I also think everyone is laughing at me. My moods have not been too extreme. Last week was an awful mixed episode but this week my mood seems average. I am really afraid to talk to my therapist about this. I dont want to be put back in the hospital.

Can anyone relate?

I am trying to figure myself out but I jsut keep getting more confused. The bipolar books ive read dont talk much about this. I have weird visual and perspective problems that happen in extreme moods and out of it. My psychosis is worse when i am depressed, not manic. I feel like not anything at all, I just have severley flawed dna and this is just normal for me.

[Kymaro]

Being Bi-polar, parinoid or depressed is not who you are....its what is happing to you right now. Parinoid can be experienced whether your manic or depressed. Or even when your neither. Sometime we just over analyze things to much. I am a perfectionist at doing that. Please talk to your T about this. It doesnt sound like your in any danger of harming yourself or others and you seem in touch with reality, so it would be rare to hospitalize you for these feelings.

A lot of times, comming out of the hospital leaves a self-doubt (who am I, who was I, am I really who I think I am, where did I miss what was going on...etc.) It may be that your experiencing this.

Dont feel guilty for calling the hubby and just telling him "I love you, just wanted you to know". Im sure he will enforce the truth about coming home after work. I've used that myself for reasurance.

As for the placebo medication idea - medications work to a degree but you have to believe they are going to work to get the real effect of the medication. Have faith in your pdoc. He's not out to get you, as no one else is either.

Best of energies your way.....Kymaro

[unico]

I sometimes have these troubles too, often they are the worst for me in mixed episodes. I take every little thing someone does that isn't 100% positive and feel like it is a sign of hatred and I start crying. I feel like people are always watching me and judging me and thinking I am less than them. I also over-analyze things and give small, insignificant things deeper meaning and also try to come up with as many possibilities as I can for why something happened a certain way. I tend to think I am an evil person and very different from everyone else.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I often feel like books on bipolar leave out some of my experiences, too.

I absolutely relate - with feeling like i'm being tested, with feeling like people are laughing or talking about me and definitely like my husband is going to leave me - major mixed episodes too - it's very confusing. My T told me i'm extremely sensitive and anxious...it's not fun.

[kathleen slattery]

Originally Posted by unico

I sometimes have these troubles too, often they are the worst for me in mixed episodes. I take every little thing someone does that isn't 100% positive and feel like it is a sign of hatred and I start crying. I feel like people are always watching me and judging me and thinking I am less than them. I also over-analyze things and give small, insignificant things deeper meaning and also try to come up with as many possibilities as I can for why something happened a certain way. I tend to think I am an evil person and very different from everyone else.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I often feel like books on bipolar leave out some of my experiences, too.

////

I can't stand criticism myself either; it completely floors me and could cause me to dissolve into a flood of tears. I don't think that anyone is out to get me, but agreed that I beat things and scenarios to death. Your expression of over-analyzing things is very apt - that's what I do too. I was always WAY too sensitive, and it used to worry my Mom when I was young.

[yagalada]

Thank you everyone. I am extremely sensitive and anxious even on my best days.