Am I one of you? Am I another brand of mad?

Not sure if this is where I belong, but my docs mentioned that they suspected bipolarity or borderline, so there's that.

I feel crazy whenever I try to explain it to either someone else or myself. There arent even words to describe some of the things. Maybe if this is just everyday for you as well I'll feel better. I just need somewhere to belong. If this isn't it I'll have to keep searching.

I feel absolutely ecstatic right now. Filled with energy, happy and thoughts racing. All that, but I at the very same time feel like screaming and crying and cutting and puking and doing drugs and drinking and doing reckless thing such as going to Peru, dropping out of school, ending my life or dating a man my fathers age. Anything to let out some noise out of my head.

I ODed not too long ago and meanwhile I felt just like this. The happiest I'll ever be. Its been a month of feeling like this. Before that was 3months of pure bliss bliss heaven on earth and before that a heavy depression.

My thoughts are everywhere. Stormy and intense. Cluttered, tangled and "loud". Just very very messy. Like a fuzzy ball of noise and screaming in a too small container.

I don't know what's wrong with me and nobody I know seems to understand it either.

Only a pdoc can dx you, but even so it's just a lable what is important is that you get help for your symptoms. It sounds like you might be in a mixed episode. Telling a pdoc exactly what symptoms you have he can give you the right meds to help slow those thoughts and get you at a more even keel. Also a t can help sort out your tangle of thoughts.
As far as knowing or understanding your mind, welcome to the club I don't understand my either. I lean toward the depressive side, so I don't fully understand the true mania which it sound like you might be having. Are you getting help? if not I strongly suggest you do before you do anything that will have major consequences. No matter what I hope you find what you are looking for.

You sound like one of us to me! Are you newly diagnosed? I think you'll find that you're very well understood here.

Welcome to the community and the forum. There are many on this forum who have gone through, or are going through, what you describe. And what you describe definitely sounds like bipolar. It sounds like maybe you are currently experiencing a mixed episode, which is like the worst of both worlds of depression and mania, and which often manifests with things like you describe-- in fact you described it extremely well: "Filled with energy, happy and thoughts racing. All that, but I at the very same time feel like screaming and crying and cutting..." I'm guessing from your post that you aren't seeing a pdoc or on meds. This disorder is wicked hard to fight without help. As Alone said, I think you'll find you're very well understood here.

Hello, welcome to the forum!

What you wrote sounds very familiar. And I agree with others who are suggesting that you may be experiencing a mixed episode (I've personally never experienced a mixed episode, but I believe I learned in an abnormal psych course that I took in college that they are considered to be one of the most difficult / confusing forms that BP can manifest in). You should definitely try finding a psychiatrist to help find a good medication regimen for you and/or a therapist to help you sort out your thoughts.

It does sound like a mixed episode. But I'm not a Dr, I can't diagnose you. I would recommend getting in to see a psychiatrist. Either way I hope you feel better soon.

Welcome to PC!

I hope you find a psychiatrist to help you. I've had one mixed episode and it sounds like yours, but like everyone said I can't diagnose you.

Welcome! It sounds like you are probably a fit here, and that's not necessarily a bad thing!

If this is a bipolar mixed phase its the weirdest thing I've ever experienced, you guys. I love it, but its awful at the same time. Its kind of like being stuck inside the middle of a storm.

Getting a more specified evaluation within a month. Until then I'm on my own with my loud thoughts and self damaging impulses. Not sure how long I'll be able to keep them at bay. Trying crazy hard not to fyck myself over or do anything permanent or potentially life threatening.

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