[BeyondtheRainbow]

I just realized this today, which is sad and awful on my part. I have just not been well enough to keep email exchanges going and she must have felt things should be more even because she never really tried emailing and asking how I am. Not that she should have to do that but she did know things were rough. Maybe it was worse than she understood; this is an online friend who I knew for about 6 years but this is by FAR the worst I've been in 6 years and I've never had anything close to a 12 month episode in those 6 years except this. I really think she didn't get it. And I am bad at emailing right now. I have nothing to say about real life; I have no real life. Most things I would normally talk about I don't care about right now. So I guess I let go. I fee bad about that but right now, in the midst of everything, I can't even make myself try to fix things. I can't handle the stress. I hopefully will be able to try eventually but for now I just can't.

The whole thing makes me sad. I understand giving up on me, I really do, I've not done my half for a long time. But I also feel like protesting that this is not my fault and is a risk that my friends should know exists: that I get too sick to keep up for a while, sometimes a long while. I guess it's harder with email too. If she could see me she'd know immediately I think; I don't really look so good right now.

I also am sad that it took me a long time to notice I hadn't heard from her. But I'm doing the very best I can. I don't know what else to say.

[wiretwister]

don't be sad ... things always change ... sometimes for the good sometimes for the bad ... friends drift in and out of our lives ... now is the time to take care of yourself ... remember you always have friends here ... ...

[jacky8807]

this has happened to me multiple times. I dont try to get too close to new ppl anymore because i know eventually i will drop off the planet and they will feel slighted. Besides my family i have a few friends that understand and are pretty cool but it can still be an issue sometimes.
some people take it personally even if you explain it to them. It is what it is. This is who i am. I cant always deal with ppl and go long long periods even WANTING to
dont feel bad. i think you will find its a pretty common thing here. Hopefully when you are feeling better you can work things out. If she dosent want to after that what can you do?
dont lose sleep over it

[cashart10]

I'm so sorry you have lost your friendship with this person. This happened to me with my best friend growing up. We stayed close friends until something came between us in our late twenties. I tried to resolve it by sending her a text telling her I was sorry things were sour between us but that I will always love her and cherish the friendship we had. I never heard back from her. She never understood my illness and I do, in fact, think she believed I was making it up. It was hard. Losing a friend is always hard. And it is sad.

I know it's a little different but just know that you have friends who love and care for you here at PC (me included)!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I have a really hard time when this happens because I had a best friend, my college roommate and person who I thought for a long time was the best-matched friend I would ever know, who decided the first winter I was being treated for bipolar that I was doing it all wrong. I was in a clinical trial and very likely on a placebo and was suicidal and lying to get out of hospitalization and she chose to come to my apartment and tell me all the ways I was living my life wrong (in actions, faith, even seeing a therapist), right down to how another friend only was my friend because he felt sorry for me. She had a 4 or 5 page letter written out of all the ways I was living my life wrong. And I thanked her. I was hurt within a day and even had to take a day off work but it took months to really understand how wrong she was and to be well enough to start to deal with it. When confronted about how she had risked my life doing that when she knew I was suicidal she told me "it was a risk I had to take". My life. It took me about a year to tell her that our friendship was over, even though it was clearly done long before that.

It took YEARS before I spent about 2 months discussing it to death with my current therapist and then I was able to delete the original, shred my copy and believe that she was truly wrong and pretty cruel in the whole thing. But I still miss her, 13 years later, as dumb as that is. I have her and her husband blocked on facebook and every so often I'll see where one of them has commented on a mutual friend's page but the comment is blocked to me and I'll know it is them again.

I just always hate it that I can't be a better friend, that I can't always stand up for myself and remind people that hey, I'm still here and just because I'm quiet doesn't mean go away, I'm SICK. But I know they are tired of hearing I am sick.

So am I.

[hopeless2015]

So sorry your going through this, please take care of yourself right now HUGS

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[BeyondtheRainbow]

And she emailed tonight....what are the chances?

[Nammu]

I'm so glad she emailed you, what a spark of joy.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Take it easy on yourself. Stay away from the blame game.
Love is all around us.
I'm glad we can all be friends here.

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I just realized this today, which is sad and awful on my part. I have just not been well enough to keep email exchanges going and she must have felt things should be more even because she never really tried emailing and asking how I am. Not that she should have to do that but she did know things were rough. Maybe it was worse than she understood; this is an online friend who I knew for about 6 years but this is by FAR the worst I've been in 6 years and I've never had anything close to a 12 month episode in those 6 years except this. I really think she didn't get it. And I am bad at emailing right now. I have nothing to say about real life; I have no real life. Most things I would normally talk about I don't care about right now. So I guess I let go. I fee bad about that but right now, in the midst of everything, I can't even make myself try to fix things. I can't handle the stress. I hopefully will be able to try eventually but for now I just can't.

The whole thing makes me sad. I understand giving up on me, I really do, I've not done my half for a long time. But I also feel like protesting that this is not my fault and is a risk that my friends should know exists: that I get too sick to keep up for a while, sometimes a long while. I guess it's harder with email too. If she could see me she'd know immediately I think; I don't really look so good right now.

I also am sad that it took me a long time to notice I hadn't heard from her. But I'm doing the very best I can. I don't know what else to say.

I had to explain to my best friend why I wasn't a good friend last year during my mania. She understood. Could you explain?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I have. She did contact me last night after a few months of nothing so I guess it is ok. I just think she doesn't understand how hard initiation is for me at the moment, even though I've talked about it. And honestly people have seen me through some really bad episodes and think this is like those and it isn't but in their minds I can do what I've done before. And to me the illness is all there is because it is just so huge right now. It's too much to try to explain to other people; I can barely explain to myself. But I guess they either get it, forgive it without understanding or that's it because I'm doing the best I can do.

[hopeless2015]

That's all you can do, be kind to yourself if you can HUGS

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