[Wanderlust90]

I'm confused. Anxious. Racing thoughts. Isolating. Really labile in mood.

I feel impulsive. I feel self destructive. I'm bored. I'm sick of fighting my own thoughts. I can't stop them anymore.

I don't want to go ask for help. I don't think help will help. I know the medications they can give me will but i can't stand the idea of talking to anyone. Of calling my therapist like he told me to. I don't know what he would do.

I feel secretive. I don't want them to know.

I hate these idiot people who think they know everything. Everyone is so sure of themselves. I don't need thier counsel now. They don't understand. I'm sick of older people who think they have it together looking at me like I'm not helping myself. I don't want to. I hate this life. What does it all mean? How do I find peace? How do I find joy? How to I stop being so frustrated?

Why do people think that they are all knowing? That because they have experienced things that my experiences are exactly the same as theirs? That im just a silly little girl who thinks she's the only one in life with problems. That I have no problems. When one is happy they seem to look down on those who arnt like they are weak.

I want them to feel my displeasure. I want their happy little lives to blow up in their faces so they can understand.

The world was at my feet.

I want to hide.

I want them to understand. To be gentle & get how serious it is.

[Wanderlust90]

So this is a safe place & I'm scared.

I looked at myself in the mirror & I just looked dead. Blackened eyes, pale skin. It wasn't me.

Why is this happening all of a sudden?

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm sorry you feel this way. I have no advice I just wanted to let you know I care. I hope you feel better soon.

[LorrieTorrie]

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I have felt like this before and I know that it sucks. I wish I knew the words to say to make you feel better, but I don't. All I can offer you is an ear to listen. This moment will pass. You will get through it

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

When it gets bad like this, remember that you've lived through every dark moment you've had so far in life. Which means you are really strong, even when you can't remember that or don't feel that way.

I've had similar feelings when I'm really low in my cycle - like I'm already half-dead and am just a shell or something. If it helps you, keep writing your thoughts out here, where it's a safe place and people understand you. Where no one thinks they know you better than you do. Where people get that they might not have the answers, but are willing to hear your voice and your experience anyway.

Writing this kind of stuff out here helps me...maybe it helps you too? We're listening.

[Wanderlust90]

Thanks all. Still feeling like I don't know what to do with myself. Wandering around the house not achieving anything having disjointed thoughts that never get finished.

[cashart10]

Do you have a prn? When I am feeling as you are describing I take a tall dose of Haldol and am snoozing in no time. What you are describing is terrible. Sometimes a long, hot shower will knock me out of it, especially if I blare music that matches my mood.

Anyway, I'm sorry you are feeling this way and hope it quickly ends.

[Wanderlust90]

I have an old prn, my old psychiatrist had me take up to 100mg of seroquel pen. Haven't done so in a while but I probably should.

[Imah]

Wanderlust said,"
Why do people think that they are all knowing? That because they have experienced things that my experiences are exactly the same as theirs? That im just a silly little girl who thinks she's the only one in life with problems. That I have no problems. When one is happy they seem to look down on those who arnt like they are weak.

Reminds me of when I think I am all knowing due to mania. Also I think people think they are all knowing when they don't experience things deeply, and believe emotions are water faucets that can be turned off and on. Also, mentally blind people can be all knowing. And people like me, who have had a range of experiences that seem so vast that when others describe an emotion it feels similar to something in a memory.

At the moment, I have felt so few emotions recently, and feel so clear thinking, I envy your waves.

I heard something once: Everything is relative. Meaning, everything comes from a unique perspective and no other person can ever truly understand. Example: what is the definition of love, sugary, anger- each person looks at life through their unique lense, and no one should tell another how to feel, or what the feeling means or is. I try to remember not to say "don't ____". (don't worry, don't cry, don't whatever) an emotion has a reason and purpose.

I wish I had the opportunity to raise my children now, but they are grown. I am glad I was as unique as I was, because they are individuals instead of feeling blinded by judgement. But still, there are so many things I want to impart to them- but as they are adults now, I stay far back and try to let them be free.

Sorry I got off track, but wanderlust - I look onto your emotions as if they are a shadowy memory of something I once had that made me rich, deep, unique.

We bipolars are lucky we do not fit into a cookie cutter character. But finding our edges by ourselves, no maps or compass- is a windy, blinding adventure.

Edit addition: In my college dorm a guy had a sign hanging on his door, it said: I am the smartest man in the world, because I know I know nothing. I have often thought my dumbest moves have been made when I was confident.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

How long ago did you stop lithium? When I stopped it abruptly about 3 months later I had a weird, agitated but not mixed, depression thing. Apparently if you stop lithium, especially abruptly, you can get this rebound depression thing around 3 months later. I wound up back on lithium and then added lamictal back for an additional boost. I'm not sure how you handle it drug free; I never asked. I don't have a link, its been too long, but it did happen to me and my pdoc was aware of the issue.

[Wanderlust90]

I stopped it just over 2 months ago, suddenly & with no taper, not on high doses though.

I don't know how I handle it, just middle through the day I suppose but I didn't feel like meds were really doing me any good.

Your awesome rainbow, I'm always helped by your experience & information & support.

[Wanderlust90]

Originally Posted by Imah

Wanderlust said,"
Why do people think that they are all knowing? That because they have experienced things that my experiences are exactly the same as theirs? That im just a silly little girl who thinks she's the only one in life with problems. That I have no problems. When one is happy they seem to look down on those who arnt like they are weak.

Reminds me of when I think I am all knowing due to mania. Also I think people think they are all knowing when they don't experience things deeply, and believe emotions are water faucets that can be turned off and on. Also, mentally blind people can be all knowing. And people like me, who have had a range of experiences that seem so vast that when others describe an emotion it feels similar to something in a memory.

At the moment, I have felt so few emotions recently, and feel so clear thinking, I envy your waves.

I heard something once: Everything is relative. Meaning, everything comes from a unique perspective and no other person can ever truly understand. Example: what is the definition of love, sugary, anger- each person looks at life through their unique lense, and no one should tell another how to feel, or what the feeling means or is. I try to remember not to say "don't ____". (don't worry, don't cry, don't whatever) an emotion has a reason and purpose.

I wish I had the opportunity to raise my children now, but they are grown. I am glad I was as unique as I was, because they are individuals instead of feeling blinded by judgement. But still, there are so many things I want to impart to them- but as they are adults now, I stay far back and try to let them be free.

Sorry I got off track, but wanderlust - I look onto your emotions as if they are a shadowy memory of something I once had that made me rich, deep, unique.

We bipolars are lucky we do not fit into a cookie cutter character. But finding our edges by ourselves, no maps or compass- is a windy, blinding adventure.

Edit addition: In my college dorm a guy had a sign hanging on his door, it said: I am the smartest man in the world, because I know I know nothing. I have often thought my dumbest moves have been made when I was confident.

I want to reply Imah but my brain won't focus because I'm abit stuck on Orwells 1984 ATM

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks Wanderlust. I needed something positive tonight; you made my day?middle of the night? . I wish I had something helpful. I had gone off (cold turkey) because of toxicity symptoms that wouldn't let up after a bad toxicity about 6 months before. But when I had problems and we knew it worked for me we re-started it. I think we started keeping my level lower then or doing a lot of tests to try to find out how much it changed. I know we'd been keeping it at maybe .9 max when I had my 2nd toxicity which was 4 years after the first. After that we never let it over .6 but it still crept up and I got toxic one last time. That was the end of lithium for me (except trying a wee little bit in Nov/Dec, I think just to do something). So no idea if it wasn't helping.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

this may not make any difference to you at all, but I just noticed on your other post that your signature also says fluoxetine. Were you ever on lithium without it or with something else? I'm asking because I started lithium before my bipolar dx to help with suicidal ideation. It was with citralopam. For some reason my horrible, horrible pdoc at the time decided to change me to fluoxetine and it was awful. I know now that I have both mania from it and akathesia. I was working in a place with a huge dementia unit that could always use some help and I would work all day, spend a couple of hours on the unit doing whatever, go to a store for a couple of hours because my apartment was too small and then be forced to go home where I was miserable. There was no way the lithium was going to work.

One night I was sitting at the computer and the thought "I'm bipolar and I need a pdoc who knows what they are doing" popped into my head. I did some reading and KNEW I had BP. It was so obvious. I somehow kept it together enough that night to get phone numbers online for a mood disorder clinic and a famous psych hospital. And I took myself off fluoxetine that night. I was feeling better within a few days. And I saw the mood disorder clinic's bipolar guru and was diagnosed a few weeks later with instruction for no SSRIs EVER, no ADs until seriously stabilized. It made a huge difference in how I responded to treatment.

So that might help? I'm sorry this is rambly, I just felt my meds kick in and I deleted a bunch of nonsense but this still maybe excessive. Stupid meds that make me stupid but not sleepyl....

[Wanderlust90]

Haha I don't think your rambling at all.

I've never been solely on lithium monotherapy. I've taken both desvenlafaxine (pristiq) & fluoxetine monotherapy, both caused ?hypomania, mostly dysphoric but also euphoric with fluoxetine. I've taken lithium with both mentioned ADs but became increasingly blunted.

I feel both better & worse for stopping them all (with the exception of pristiq which just didn't agree with me in the slightest & im glad to be rid of it)

[Wanderlust90]

The meth cravings are back. With a vengeance. I want self destruction. I want to let go & just let it take me away. Stop me from thinking.

I'm so jumbled, I don't know what I want.

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm sorry you're feeling so jumbled. I know the feeling. I hope you don't do meth. Nothing good can come of that. I understand the need for escape though.