[cashart10]

I seriously considered keeping my babies home from school today. I just wanted to cuddle all day and be wanted. Because I don't feel wanted. That is completely unrealistic of course. I haven't showered in a couple of days. My therapist praised me. She said she was proud of me for getting out of bed and going to see her. That is an ackomplishment, she said. It doesn't feel like an ackomplishment, especially since I look forward to little in my week except seeing her. Every time a session ends, I want to cry. I have energy but I feel so down I don't know how to channel it into something constructive. Anyone else feel frustrated that we must suffer, frustrated that we have to continue with life when it feels like we desperately need to die? I do.

[raspberrytorte]

Yeah. I hate being negative, but everything about our situations is kind of sucky. Oh well. Just have to keep on going. Hugs.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I completely understand. But remember-feelings are NOT facts and bipolar always cycles!!

[DesigningWoman]

This is a bad moment. There will be more. There will be good moments. There will be stable moments. Lots of them. You are not alone. Not only the mentally ill have bad moments. Every single living human is going to have a mixture of all of the above. We keep going through the bad moments to get to the better ones. That's everybody.
I have studied history extensively. I am always amazed that even in the most horrible of circumstances, life long enslavement, generational religious persecution, etc. there are always accounts of the good moments that occurred even in the worst of times. I choose to focus those moments of positive, rather than the horror.
You mentioned two good moments in your post, cuddling your kids and seeing your therapist. Maybe try focusing on those moments and trying to make more moments like those happen.

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

I completely understand. But remember-feelings are NOT facts and bipolar always cycles!!

My sentiments exactly. I saw a bumper sticker on a car and it said "we don't have to believe everything we think". Loved that!

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by DesigningWoman

This is a bad moment. There will be more. There will be good moments. There will be stable moments. Lots of them. You are not alone. Not only the mentally ill have bad moments. Every single living human is going to have a mixture of all of the above. We keep going through the bad moments to get to the better ones. That's everybody.
I have studied history extensively. I am always amazed that even in the most horrible of circumstances, life long enslavement, generational religious persecution, etc. there are always accounts of the good moments that occurred even in the worst of times. I choose to focus those moments of positive, rather than the horror.
You mentioned two good moments in your post, cuddling your kids and seeing your therapist. Maybe try focusing on those moments and trying to make more moments like those happen.

Thank you for your kind sentiments. I suppose every day I decide to live is a chance for joyfulness and one large step out of this hole. It's so hard to choose life sometimes. However, cuddling and kissing my three beautiful children and listening to them talk about how important I am to them is hard to deny...even when I feel so low down, I remember that unconditional love for them and from them (although that hasn't always been the case). I think (pretty sure) the only way that would change is if I become psychotic.

Here are some of the lyrics to a precious song that has helped me get through some tough times:

And when I chose to live, there was no joy,
It's just a line I crossed, it wasn't worth the pain my death would cost, so i
Was not lost or found. and if I was to sleep, I knew my family had more truth
To tell. and so I traveled down a whispering well, to know myself through
Them.

Here is the song:

[intergalactictraveler]

Read Carrie Fisher's 'Wishful Drinking', a funny and touching memoir about growing up in Hollywood and her struggles with addiction and bipolar. The point being that this is an illness that afflicts and has afflicted people from all levels of society, such as Winston Churchill and Ernest Hemingway to all of us on this forum. You see my signature; treatment resistant ultradian cycling. Aside from lousy Klonopin, there isn't one drug that can keep me even mildly balanced. Every day, from morning until I go to sleep(and that's not even restful)is a struggle!!! All of us, to one degree or another, are struggling. Do I think about death? Most certainly. And I kick it in the rear end when it shows up. I'm not going to dwell on it because if I do, it will become a self fulfilling prophecy. BS to that! To survive with bipolar illness means we're tough, even if we don't feel tough. How else can we endure all the misery we have to go through every day?

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by intergalactictraveler

Read Carrie Fisher's 'Wishful Drinking', a funny and touching memoir about growing up in Hollywood and her struggles with addiction and bipolar. The point being that this is an illness that afflicts and has afflicted people from all levels of society, such as Winston Churchill and Ernest Hemingway to all of us on this forum. You see my signature; treatment resistant ultradian cycling. Aside from lousy Klonopin, there isn't one drug that can keep me even mildly balanced. Every day, from morning until I go to sleep(and that's not even restful)is a struggle!!! All of us, to one degree or another, are struggling. Do I think about death? Most certainly. And I kick it in the rear end when it shows up. I'm not going to dwell on it because if I do, it will become a self fulfilling prophecy. BS to that! To survive with bipolar illness means we're tough, even if we don't feel tough. How else can we endure all the misery we have to go through every day?

I really like Carrie Fisher. She was interviewed in Stephen Fry's documentary on Bipolar Disorder (you can watch the documentary on youtube--it's awesome!). I wasn't aware that she has written a book. I will certainly have to check it out. It does seem less difficult to make it through with this community who understands. It is also reasurring to me because I have posted numerous threads, some ridiculous, and they have all been received with love and support.

It is a hard disease. For us and those around us. Stay strong.

[cashart10]

Instead of a new thread I decided to keep things on this one. I have a feeling I will have a lot to say.

Beyond the rainbow, I am so sad for you. Because you know now your time line is too full for us to withdrawl from caffiene from my coffee I know you don't drink it. (I am hopefuly as you are taken in this that they have everthing prepared for you.) Certainly you will get someone to calm she seems so upset biling little our own. I've had several good moments but this time really will swich.

All my love!

[jacky8807]

You have a deep passion for music. I like the arts and because I have so much going on most of the time (children work health ect) I often neglect this very important part of nurturing my soul
I know you like to write. And do it well
Creative ppl HAVE to feed this part of themselves
Maybe take instrument lesson or a creative writing class. It's fun to share ideas with others and be inspired
Wishing you luck ma dear

[wildflowerchild25]

I listened to the song and really like it. I added it to my "rainy days" playlist. I hope you feel better soon.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I listened to the song and really like it. I added it to my "rainy days" playlist. I hope you feel better soon.

I'm so glad you listened to and enjoyed the song. It is a blessing when you can relate to music.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I listen to music 24/7.

It's healing to me

[cashart10]

I may have shared this in another thread but it is frustrating so I'm sharing it here again. On Tues, my therapist agreed to let me go for the next week as long as I surrendered my meds and anything that could harm me to my husband. She told me to take care of this and call her when we'd taken care of it or she would call me.

So, I gave my husband my pills, and suggested anything else that could harm me so he could take it all from me. I then called my therapist and told her the news.

The very next morning, I forgot to take my morning meds and my husband was already at work. I called him and asked what we should do. He kind of giggled and said that he put them on top of the safe in our closet. He said he went to put them up then got distracted and forgot. Well, today instead of calling, I went staight to the closet and sure enough, my box of pills. Seriously? Is my wellbeing less important than his conveince?

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Instead of a new thread I decided to keep things on this one. I have a feeling I will have a lot to say.

Beyond the rainbow, I am so sad for you. Because you know now your time line is too full for us to withdrawl from caffiene from my coffee I know you don't drink it. (I am hopefuly as you are taken in this that they have everthing prepared for you.) Certainly you will get someone to calm she seems so upset biling little our own. I've had several good moments but this time really will swich.

All my love!

Was I drunk when I wrote this? I have no clue what the hell I was trying to say!!?? That is hilarious.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Sounds like you wrote while medicated. I've sent a few emails like that.

My mom did the same. My therapist made me drag her into a session when I was about to move here and go through my suicide risk and what needed to be put away. Instead of locking things up as she promised she left them in an open, unlocked safe. When I reminded her to lock it she said she would. She never did. She had a box of sharps from my house. This was 2 1/2 years ago and the other day she said she forgot where she hid it. The other day I found it; she didn't hide anything. It was just sitting on a shelf in her garage where if I'd looked I'd have found it in 30 seconds.

So aggravating.

Originally Posted by cashart10

Was I drunk when I wrote this? I have no clue what the hell I was trying to say!!?? That is hilarious.

Lol...that made me laugh out loud!!!

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Sounds like you wrote while medicated. I've sent a few emails like that. .

I read the post I sent you to my mother because I thought it was so hilarious, random, and made no sense. She told me that she talked to me around that same time and that I sounded drunk on the phone too. I just can't stop reading and then laughing about it. So, thanks for the laugh. And, btw, when I said I was sorry for you, I meant it. Everything else I wrote made sense in another dimension. Ha!

[cashart10]

Trigger: Sad song

The Rolling Stones - Paint It, Black

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Well, you made me laugh and that's always a good thing.

I was on a big dose of gabapentin for a while. It really knocked me out an made me loopy when I wasn't asleep. I couldn't drive or make decisions or anything.

My psychiatrists' last name starts with a J. I tried to email my friend Julie one night and didn't realize gmail had auto-filled in my psychiatrists' name. So the email went to my psychiatrist. With a reference to her in it. And then I sent the pdoc an email that said "ljakdfjoaihsgoaisdhf". Surprisingly she lowered the gabapentin drastically. I was soooooooo embarrassed.

[cashart10]

I think I need to process some things with my therapist. I would tell my husband and mom what is on my mind but they will think I am crazy and I can't share on here because maybe it is crazy. But it doesn't feel crazy.

I see my therapist on Tues morning.

What is wrong with going outside of traditional psychiatry for treatment or at least for temporary balance (and no, I'm not talking about drugs)? My therapist is also a christian so I know she will, at least, tell me it is outside of God's will. I haven't always believed in one God though (or at least I pretended not to believe). When I was younger I had a charismatic christian prayer warrior cast demons from me. It scared me at the time but I correlated that with my improvement, sometimes even pointing to that as my healing (but here I am 14 years later far from healed.). That is far from traditional!

Sorry for such an ambiguous post but I just need to gather my thoughts.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

If you need to talk feel free to PM. Even if you've had your meds . I'm sure I'll be awake late since I seem to get more agitated when I should get tired. Although last night was awful so maybe tonight won't be---hahahaha.....

[HALLIEBETH87]

I know what you're talking about and someone I know wants me to go there.
I'm too scared to...

[Imah]

I think a professional therapist should endorse any religion or belief, or lack thereof - as long as it isn't harmful to the client or others. I think a therapist that tried to impart their own beliefs on a patient is taking advantage of their patient.