Lost a friend I'd do anything to get back. Now I'm going to write about it.

Yea I just read all of this. I would really back off when it comes to this guy. I'm not trying to be mean but I'm saying this for you and I want to give you a moment of clarity here. At least try to. I've lost friends, actually a lot, because of my BP behaviors. Especially when I'm hypo/manic. I think your kinda obsessing and trust me it's not going to end well. Give him something to think about for once and stay away for now. Maybe he'll wonder where you've been and contact you for once. He asked for time so give him that much. To me, it seems like you obsessing a little and it's not healthy for anyone, BP or not. Just work on you and figure out why it is you feel so strongly about this. Maybe you even have BPD and take rejection and abandonment extremely hard and personal. That's something you should work on with a T or pdoc. And you haven't been to see your pdoc yet for a firm diagnosis so I wouldn't exactly jump to conclusions and say your BP. And lastly, be careful with St. John's wort. It made me extremely manic and I know there's warnings about taking it to treat MI. Leave your treatment up to the professionals and take all the time you need to work on yourself first instead of obsessing about this friend who clearly doesn't want to talk to you for now. Maybe he'll change his mind but be prepared if he doesn't.

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Thanks. Ironically, taking Kava and cutting out everything else took away the extreme anxiety and suicidal/self-hate thoughts, but - being a sedative - caused me to fall into such a deep "lethargic depression" that I had to call out of work due to it for the first time in my life.

I tried adding St. John's - after not taking it for almost a week - and it brought me back to feeling the most "normal" I've felt in months.

I'm slightly optimistic about the chances of him changing his mind, since he said he didn't want to block me, but yeah, I KNOW talking to him more just makes it worse, I KNOW I shouldn't be this worried, and I KNOW this shouldn't be affecting me this much, and honestly, it scares me. It's NOT voluntary.

However, I was able to find a pdoc that can see me on Tuesday. I'll just be filling out paperwork on the first day, but maybe the actual appointment will be sooner than the other one.

Many first appointments you'll start meds.

They said the first day would just be paperwork. I don't have health insurance yet (my medicaid application is still processing), so I'm not sure how I'd pay for them immediately, anyway.

This may help:

Saying you love him then retracting the statement, saying you agree to give him space then messaging him, ect. - In his eyes, you probably look insane.

To regain credability, you absolutely need to wait on his reply. If he never wanted to talk to you again, it would be very clear. Right now he is making a decision, and talking to him will do exactly the opposite of what you want.

Thanks. Like I said...

This recent change of supplements has me feeling calm, and willing to wait, for the first time in weeks, but I don't know if it'll last yet. Not sure why, but for some reason, I tend to have sudden attacks of extreme anxiety where "snap" and message him.

But right now, I'm not talking to him anymore - and I uninstalled the chat app on my phone - just trying to figure out why the f--k I'm like this, because it bothers me probably even more than him.

Oh okay, so it's not voluntary. I guess i misunderstood.

What is it about him that is so alluring to you?

Maybe if you break it down into why you like him you can figure out how to live without him. For now

Reverse engineer your salvation, friend!

That's a really good question, actually, and maybe it would benefit me to write it out...

Before - and after - this guy, I pretty much didn't have close friends. It's just something I haven't been able to do since childhood. I'm really reluctant to even go out and try to make close friends right now because I've ended up either alienating them with my mood swings etc., they've moved to other states out of nowhere, or we've just grown into two people we don't recognize.

When I first met this guy, I actually didn't like him very much - we had a pretty bad fight shortly after we met - but I soon found out we had almost everything in common. We both really loved art and drawing, we introduced each other to a lot of our favorite bands, games, comics, and shows, and - at the risk of TMI - we had a common kink that we'd talk about a lot - which I've never been able to share with literally anyone else I've ever met.

He has MI's, depression, and severe anxiety too, so we connected over that - up until recently, I felt he was the one person who really got what it felt like and what I was going through.

Also, until his depressive episode started, he was the ONLY person who'd make an effort to contact me on a daily basis. That means a lot, since I have a really hard time reaching out when I'm depressed.

We told each other the parts of our lives we didn't tell anyone else, worked together on art and writing projects, watched shows together, liveblogged games to each other... All without ever having met IRL. I never believed that online friends were real before meeting him. Now, I guess I'm kicking myself for letting myself think they could, even though that's probably too far in the opposite direction. IDK.

Since, as I said, he has a really bad home life, it was a dream of mine to help him get away from his parents, and we could room together and do all that stuff IRL. I even had a plan for how much it would cost and the means to afford it. but now, I'm starting to realize that was probably a delusion.

It wasn't all good, though. Even when he wasn't going through a depressive episode, we fought A LOT. Like, we'd have a blowout that almost ended our friendship every other week, at times. And usually, even if it wasn't all my fault, I'd have to be the one who apologized and promised to change etc. to make it up. (But even then, I kind of respected that we'd never resort to personal attacks.)

And yeah, in the past, I really did feel romantically for him, although he never returned it. (He always used to say he liked me a lot, but didn't know if he could be into me that way before eventually - during a fight - just saying he wasn't interested.) But not anymore.

Anyway, part of me knows I should get out there and meet new people - or start dating again - but just thinking about it makes me sick. If it's like everyone else I've known, or every other relationship I've had, the same thing will just happen AGAIN.

Come to think of it - just realized that while writing this - that's what's behind a lot of the suicidal impulses. The idea that there's no point in going on when I've successfully pushed away the only person who gave a s--t and that the same thing's going to happen to anyone else I get too close to, so what's the point in trying?

IMO it's absolutely impossible to be "the best" "the worst" "the most ____"

IDK man thinking in extremes is hard not to do for me, but at the same time it sounds cheesy but anything is possible. good, bad and insane.

Bare w me here:

No too objects will fit together perfectly, unless liquefied and merged as one

Finding that connection is hard for everyone. And even those who do have that special person, they always have multiple sources of connection. friends, family, even inanimate objects, ideas and thoughts.

i think maybe just try to find those ideas, thoughts, objects that are positive, and they will guide you to people that are positive as well (for you. in ur eyes)

I don't remember saying he was "the best" or "worst" of anything?

But besides that... Yeah, I know. But I'm not close to any of my other friends or family members at the moment, I've never been one of those people who gets attached to objects - in large part because I've had to move a lot, due to my MI making it hard to keep jobs and causing me to make impulsive choices, so I've lost most of the ones I've cared about over the years - and it might sound pretentious, but I'm agnostic and an existentialist, so gods/philosophy/etc. don't really give me any comfort at all.

I've tried interest clubs and Meetup groups - in fact I run one - but nothing comes anywhere near the experience of having (or in this case, probably just thinking I had) that one close friend who calls every day and who you can count on being there.

One of my main problems is just that I can't believe in other people (or myself, or much of anything, for that matter...) right now.

Your memory serves you well -

I apologize for stating the obvious aside from that.

It's fine. In fact, I've been hoping more people would pitch in on this thread, so thanks.

Today was awful. Suicidal thoughts and impulses, terrible intrusive thoughts, a feeling in the pit of my stomach like something awful's going to happen...

I don't know why this is happening.

I felt like this yesterday and the only thing that I could do was just take my sleep meds and end the day. I keep the TV on at night to keep these thoughts out of my head. I know you don't have meds to take just yet but maybe try some melatonin if you can get some. Magnesium too. I just figured since your just taking supplements right now that those might help.

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I don't need anything to get to sleep, since this depressive spell has made me exhausted all the time, but thanks.

At the same time...

What if I'm right? What my gut feeling's just telling me the friendship just can't be saved and there's no point in driving myself mental waiting for him to come around? Maybe his persistently ignoring me is a worse problem than my trying to talk to him too much.

I just... I don't know.

I want to try talking to him again, but... I don't see the point in doing it, and I don't see the point in NOT doing it.

Edit: Just venting. I still don't know why this is bothering me so much.

2nd edit:

...He knows being ignored does this to me. I want to confront him and ask him WHY. I know what I did was bad, but why is he doing the thing he knows bothers me the worst. I want to confront him about it, but... I think I'm starting to babble now. Maybe I should just ignore all this, because I think I'm having an episode.

Slept for 15 hours.

Well, last night was terrifying. It was like someone else took over. Even looking at my last post, it's almost hard to believe I wrote it.

At this point, I'd be willing to do almost anything to get this to stop. I never want to have a day like yesterday again. And the thing is - I think I've said this before - when I'm feeling relatively "normal," I realize that it probably has very little to do with him.

---

Also, to answer a few people's questions... I don't know why some people here seem to think I'm completely self-diagnosed? Even though I'm still waiting to be see by my first pdoc, two therapists - one in 2011 and one in 2015 - told me I had it. I just didn't start taking it seriously until recently. In retrospect, I've been showing symptoms of it my whole life, I just didn't know why I was acting that way. So even though it's not 100% confirmed yet, it's not something I just came up with.

I decided to try going off all the supplements today. I feel better now, just a headache.

I know you're never supposed to go off doctor-prescribed meds, but does anyone know if there's any danger with nootropics?

If not, I'll just see how the next few days go.

Minor update: Well. It seems things will be the same whether I'm on the supps or not.

I'm so tired of this.

i'm so sorry that you are going through this but thank you for sharing your experience. I can relate to many things you have shared. I myself have destroyed every close friendship I've had. Everything I say or do makes since at the time but when I look back on it I feel angry and disgust with myself for things I say and do. As for your impulsive contacting of your friend I completely understand. I have also in the past dealt with this issue. I would feel totally in control and then in a split second I was trying to make contact again with no rational explanation. I hope you can find peace with this. Hang in there and post as much as you need to. We are out here following this and I'm sure I'm not the only one who completely gets you.

Thanks.

Last night was OK, but... I don't have work today, so I spent the morning in bed. My mind was racing between wanting to beg him to talk to me, to yell at him for ignoring me, and to just ask him WHY. I have to admit I cried.

Again, this is where I have to reiterate that this probably has nothing to do with him.

Moods like this have been happening all my life, sometimes even when things were good. Again, I don't have a pdoc's confirmation, but it seems like my moods tend to change extremely rapidly.

I guess I could say I'm "looking forward" to the first pdoc appointment tomorrow, but honestly, at this moment in time, I don't see a future for myself, and all I can think is that death would be better than going through more of this.

Edit: Yes, I have to admit I've really wanted to die lately, but I'm afraid to check myself into a hospital because they'll just detain me there - not treat the underlying problem - I don't have insurance so I can't afford it, and besides, I don't have the means to hurt myself anyway.

2nd edit: I'm also tempted to message him asking for help, but that's just... Dumb. He's think I was being manipulative. There's nothing he could do besides talk to me anyway.

...I think I might break down and try to talk to him again, just because this is too much to bear.

Yeah, I did.

I melted down, tbh. (I didn't insult him, just unloaded a lot of stuff about my depression etc.)

He didn't block me, but no response.

I don't have anything to say.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Edit: I guess one thing I'm slightly proud of, in a perverse way, is that I finally said "I'm trying to get help and I'm trying to change, but to an extent, the mood swings, freakouts, clinging, etc. is part of who I am. Can you live with that?" And that IS true. Maybe it's better he nope out now than later.

I ended up asking him to block me until we could talk again, and he did.

THANK F--K.

Even if he never unblocks me, at least it can't get worse.