Lost a friend I'd do anything to get back. Now I'm going to write about it.

So, I saw the psychiatrist...

And ironically, he told me he doesn't know what I have, can't diagnose me, and has no idea if/when he'll be able to. But that I'm probably right that it's some form of borderline, or bipolar with borderline traits.

But either way, he prescribed 25mg Lamictal. I started today.

I read your whole thread and found it very compelling and feel empathy for you. I've been divorced for 20 years and when i pick up my messages i still hope it is my x calling. I didn't persist in contacting him after we broke up but i sympathize with feeling so burnt by a deep connection with a person being broken. I have bipolar with borderline traits too. I couldn't tolerate DBT as it made me hypomanic. Hopefully you'll have a better experience.

I really enjoyed reading your thread. Thanks for posting. You're a good writer!

Thank you. I write professionally, but I probably won't put any on the forums (for now, at least), because I'm trying to stay anonymous.

The first day on Lamictal went really well. If I end up stabilized on it long-term, for - let's say several months to a year - I'll send him a letter or something letting him know I'm "safe" to talk to again.

Well, the thought of trying to talk to him again - even in the distant future - gave me a panic attack last night, so maybe I shouldn't do that.

Anyway, Lamictal's been doing a good job dealing with the major depressive symptoms - I'm back to working and functioning again - and most of the constant suicidal ideation. ...But not the panic and rage. Those have gotten worse than ever: to violent levels, which is honestly terrifying.

I went though some old files that still contained his personal information and deleted all of it (I'd just been avoiding looking at them up to this point) just to ensure I can't do anything stupid. He'd also given me access to his social media back when we were "seeing each other," so I could have easily gone into his accounts and screwed them up, but instead, I just deleted that information with the rest, so... Go me?

As one of my friends said when I told them that, "Well, not being an entire bag of d--ks isn't much of an accomplishment, but take what victories you can get" which gave me my first laugh about this situation in a while.

But what sucks is, knowing the nature of BPD - which is probably what this is, even if my pdoc won't confirm it - if I WAS venting some of it by harassing him or his friends, badmouthing him online, or taking revenge, I'd probably feel better, but I'm choosing not to, so all those feeling are just being turned inwards. And I thought going no contact would make it better, but it's actually making it WORSE.

Like I said, I've been 90% free from suicidal thoughts lately, compared to how I was before, but the one lingering one is that I'd be willing to put a bullet in my head to make this stop.

I just wish someone could help me.

Since I missed my last therapy appointment and therefore wasn't able to make another one, my therapist won't be able to see me again until the 21st. DBT is still too expensive, unless I can find another place that'll do it, and I'd like to start dating again so I can find someone who actually feels the same way about me as I do about them, but I feel like I'm probably way too crazy for that.

...However, thankfully, the second pdoc - the one who was going to push me back a month - had an appointment free up on Monday, so hopefully at least I'll be able to get a diagnosis.

I accidentally missed my bus by a minute and ended up being 20 minutes late, so - since the 2nd psychiatrist said he couldn't diagnose me without a full hour evaluation - we won't know what I have for another month.

...But he would have required me to give up seeing my first psychiatrist as a requirement for his evaluating me, anyway, so maybe it's good I won't be seeing him.

Besides that, nothing else has changed.

=====================(((HUGS)))=====================

Hey there. Just been on PC all day and I wondered how you've been! How are the meds working out? I believe you said lamictal is what they put you on. My experience with that med was very bad but it does help a lot of people. Well I was just checking in on ya. Hope you're feeling some kind of relief.

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It's going great, thanks for asking.

No symptoms so far besides a little sleepiness and forgetfulness - which is good, since after all that happened, I LIKE forgetting it - and I still haven't been anywhere near as depressed or suicidal as I was. I'm also much more productive and I've been getting almost everywhere on time. We'll see what happens when the doctor titrates my dosage up in May, though.

Also, I realized he's not coming back, so I sent him a nice goodbye email, basically saying all the stuff that happened led to me getting treated, so although I regret it and miss him immensely, it's for the best. (I didn't actually say "goodbye," though, since it seemed like it would be melodramatic and unnecessary.) It's been 3 days and he hasn't responded, so that's that. I've deleted everything that reminds me of him, and I think I'll trade in the Nintendo 3DS he sent me for my birthday for one of a different color. I'd still like a 3DS, just not that one.

By coincidence, today marks one year since we met.