Lost a friend I'd do anything to get back. Now I'm going to write about it.

unaluna · Mar 07, 2016, 10:28 PM

He cant be your therapist. Something like this - abandonment and attachment issues of this nature, like my own - are probably best worked thru with a t. And lots of googling. NIMH is your friend!'

PsychNitrous · Mar 07, 2016, 10:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by It's Not Important

That's a really good question, actually, and maybe it would benefit me to write it out...

Before - and after - this guy, I pretty much didn't have close friends. It's just something I haven't been able to do since childhood. I'm really reluctant to even go out and try to make close friends right now because I've ended up either alienating them with my mood swings etc., they've moved to other states out of nowhere, or we've just grown into two people we don't recognize.

When I first met this guy, I actually didn't like him very much - we had a pretty bad fight shortly after we met - but I soon found out we had almost everything in common. We both really loved art and drawing, we introduced each other to a lot of our favorite bands, games, comics, and shows, and - at the risk of TMI - we had a common kink that we'd talk about a lot - which I've never been able to share with literally anyone else I've ever met.

He has MI's, depression, and severe anxiety too, so we connected over that - up until recently, I felt he was the one person who really got what it felt like and what I was going through.

Also, until his depressive episode started, he was the ONLY person who'd make an effort to contact me on a daily basis. That means a lot, since I have a really hard time reaching out when I'm depressed.

We told each other the parts of our lives we didn't tell anyone else, worked together on art and writing projects, watched shows together, liveblogged games to each other... All without ever having met IRL. I never believed that online friends were real before meeting him. Now, I guess I'm kicking myself for letting myself think they could, even though that's probably too far in the opposite direction. IDK.

Since, as I said, he has a really bad home life, it was a dream of mine to help him get away from his parents, and we could room together and do all that stuff IRL. I even had a plan for how much it would cost and the means to afford it. but now, I'm starting to realize that was probably a delusion.

It wasn't all good, though. Even when he wasn't going through a depressive episode, we fought A LOT. Like, we'd have a blowout that almost ended our friendship every other week, at times. And usually, even if it wasn't all my fault, I'd have to be the one who apologized and promised to change etc. to make it up. (But even then, I kind of respected that we'd never resort to personal attacks.)

And yeah, in the past, I really did feel romantically for him, although he never returned it. (He always used to say he liked me a lot, but didn't know if he could be into me that way before eventually - during a fight - just saying he wasn't interested.) But not anymore.

Anyway, part of me knows I should get out there and meet new people - or start dating again - but just thinking about it makes me sick. If it's like everyone else I've known, or every other relationship I've had, the same thing will just happen AGAIN.

Come to think of it - just realized that while writing this - that's what's behind a lot of the suicidal impulses. The idea that there's no point in going on when I've successfully pushed away the only person who gave a s--t and that the same thing's going to happen to anyone else I get too close to, so what's the point in trying?

I pretty much came into this thread at this post, and I just want to say it's not your fault, not the way you seem to think it is. It's scary to see the similarities between your situation with this friend and a situation I went through. He and I met online, but shortly also met IRL. Our relationship was similar, we would be so perfect together until we'd fight. And the fights were always my fault, I always had to apologize. The absurdity finally hit when, after one fight, I found myself apologizing for making him call me a *****! Eventually I was able to break things off - he pushed my boundaries too far - and was able to recognize some seriously narcissistic tendencies in him. That helped me, realizing that none of our relationship was about me, ever. It was all about him.

I don't know if you can relate anything of that to your situation, but the similarities were freaky. I was beginning to wonder if you were writing about my ex-friend!

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It's Not Important · Mar 07, 2016, 11:44 PM

I'm curious about that, too... I won't ask his name in public, but where was this? (I know it's probably pretty common, though.)

The main thing that scares me is that his major depressive episode made him do a 180 almost literally overnight. He just turned from one of the most caring people I knew into a cold, distant, insulting person who I didn't recognize and who ignored 95% of my messages. It almost makes me wonder how many other unipolar depressives are like that, and honestly... If I can ever trust one again.

The strange thing is that he'd keep talking to other people on social media, and seemed normal. So... He said it was the depression, but I also wonder if he'd soured on me.

But still...

I hope I'll hear from the version of him I was friends with again someday.

I know I might not.

PsychNitrous · Mar 07, 2016, 11:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by It's Not Important

I'm curious about that, too... I won't ask his name in public, but where was this? (I know it's probably pretty common, though.)

The main thing that scares me is that his major depressive episode made him do a complete 180. He just turned from one of the most caring people I knew into a cold, distant, insulting person who I didn't recognize and who ignored 95% of my messages. It almost makes me wonder how many other unipolar depressives are like that.

The strange thing is that he'd keep talking to other people on social media, and seemed normal. So... He said it was the depression, but I also wonder if he'd soured on me.

But still...

I hope I'll hear from the version of him I was friends with again someday.

I know I might not.

My ex-friend lives in Illinois. I would suspect it's not a one-in-a-lifetime event

I'm sorry you had to go through it. If he was anything like the person I knew, it was not a pleasant experience.

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It's Not Important · Mar 07, 2016, 11:56 PM

OK, not him, then. But yeah, it happens.

But yeah. The last three months were hell.

It's probably telling that I don't want to die right now. I don't know how long that'll last, though. I hope it does, but it usually doesn't.

Also, a lot of it was my fault. I sent him over 20 messages tonight before finally realizing I was having a complete breakdown and saying "Something's wrong and I need to get it treated. Please, please temporarily block me until we can talk again so this doesn't get any worse."

Edit: I guess, right now, what I want to know is why. Why all of this happened. Was he always secretly like this, or was my clinging so unforgivable that he couldn't stand me anymore. And am I that awful that I deserved it.

It's Not Important · 03:16 AM

Unless I ever talk to him again, this thread is probably done now - although I might journal about what happens with the therapy and meds I start tomorrow in another thread - but one last thing...

If anyone else wants to help me make sense of this, I'd appreciate it.

That's the one thing I can't do.

Mar 08, 2016, 02:40 AM

I kind have skimmed through most of this thread. I think you are borderline, not Bipolar.

I think DBT might be helpful.

Also, tell your therapist all of this. You are obsessing about someone you don't know in real life?

It's Not Important · Mar 08, 2016, 03:33 AM

You might be right.

The only objections I have to that are...

I've never cut or self-harmed.
I don't like to devalue people. (E.g.: I've never said I hate him or that he was worthless.)
I at least try not to play the victim. (E.g., how I've blamed myself for most of this.)
Only a few times in my life have I had what I'd call "violent temper tantrums."
I've never really had issues with shopping sprees, unsafe driving, unsafe sex, etc.

But also...

Maybe part of me wants to believe I don't have BPD, because if so... Yeah, looking it up, I see DBT works, but it's much harder to treat.

Mar 08, 2016, 04:20 AM

I am seeing something that seems to be a bit different than bipolar mood swings.

Ask your doctor.

It's Not Important · Mar 08, 2016, 04:30 AM

Yeah, it is. I've said that - something's seriously wrong, I don't know what it is, and I need help for it.

It's Not Important · Mar 08, 2016, 09:22 PM

I thought I was going to abandon this thread, but I just wanted to say...

24 hours later, I think asking him to block me was the best thing I've done during this whole process, even if I'm ashamed of everything it took to get to that point.

I feel at peace right now. I hope this feeling sticks.

BTW: Pdoc appointment was a letdown. We just did paperwork - which I expected - but she didn't even give me a hint at what I might have, besides "depression." Hopefully therapy tomorrow is better. Also found an NAMI meeting tomorrow. Looking forward to that, too.

Edit: This post was the best possible page-topper.

Trippin2.0 · Mar 09, 2016, 02:04 AM

This entire thread screams BPD, and not BP.

I should know, I have both and have acted and reacted and suffered in similar ways in the past.

DBT has been a life saver.

You don't need to meet all the criteria to have this dx, its a huge stigma fuelled misconception that we all self harm and throw temper tantrums.

And yes, I want to echo that you can't make one person your everything and friends aren't qualified round the clock therapists... Its not good for u or them, they will eventually drown in your bullshyt, and you'll be left alone.

I should know.

Spread your love and your needs around, balance is key.

It's Not Important · 02:30 AM

Yet another thing.

After a lot of research, I think the two people who said I have Borderline traits are definitely right.

I think there's a good chance I'm bipolar as well - especially since a lot of papers say comorbidity between them is common, plus, I just had a conversation with my aunt, who said bipolar has a long history in my family - but I'm going to ask my therapist and pdoc about both.

It might be too soon to judge, since my mood might shift again at any point... But I think this experience taught me what I am, and if so, I'm massively grateful for that.

Edit: @Trippin 2.0: Oh, we posted at the same time. Make that three people, then.

Mar 09, 2016, 03:09 AM

P-doc would be the best. Most bipolars don't shift moods so quickly based on an interaction with someone.

It's Not Important · Mar 19, 2016, 01:25 PM

I'm still blocked and in no contact, so just a personal update this time...

Realizing I'm (probably) borderline, and developing coping strategies for it, is the only thing so far that's actually helped me get over the accept this and get over the urge to contact him.

(It's still not official - I briefly talked with a psychiatrist outside of the hospital, who heard my symptoms and said yeah, I probably have it - but not getting a formal diagnosis until at least Thursday.)

...Too bad it's too late. I just wish someone had noticed my BPD traits earlier. Just over a month earlier and none of this would have happened. Five months earlier and we might not have broken up. Years earlier and I might not have killed my other two relationships and blown through countless friendships and jobs.

I'm not sure why none of my therapists did: maybe because I wasn't self-harming, doing drugs, screaming, or abusing people. I don't blame them, because that's the reason even I didn't believe it at first.

I just wonder why it had to come to this.

The only silver lining I can see in this situation would be if I went out and found someone else, but I don't think I'm in any mental state to do it and since I can't afford DBT (assuming that's what the pdoc recommends anyway), I don't know when I will be.

It's Not Important · 12:17 PM

I know this should (probably) be moved to another forum since BD (probably) isn't the problem. if anyone wants to move it, that's OK.

---

So, it's been 2 weeks.

Still managing not to talk to him or look at his social media, but on a personal level, I'm having another "episode."

I've started thinking of myself as literal garbage, and that I deserve to be killed. At one point last week, I was so convinced I was going to commit suicide eventually that I found myself thinking "I need to decide when I'm going to do it and what I'm going to put on my note." The only reason I can't because I owe my family money, anyway. It's not even the fact that they'd be upset that bothers me because I don't think anyone could be truly sad over ME dying.

(Edit: Don't worry, I'm not THREATENING it, just saying what I was thinking at the time.)

Last night was OK. I felt horrible, but I managed to make dinner and get a bunch of chores done. And I woke up this morning on time to leave for work.

But then I opened my eyes and very briefly saw his name crawling up the walls, then closed them and spent the next hour in bed crying, then staring out the window. It felt like the room was spinning.

I called in sick, but I might still try to go in late. I don't know if I can, though, because aside from writing this, I've been paralyzed and unable to do anything today.

But strangely, part of me also feels like I'm faking all of this for attention and I could just stop anytime I want. Even weirder since this forum is practically the only place I talk about it.

Only two more days until pdoc appointment. I hope it helps.

It's Not Important · 01:50 AM

I...

I don't get it.

I ended up going to work, albeit 3 hours late. I got a lot done, though. But when I got home, I had one of the worst flare-ups in weeks.

Too depressed to do anything for hours, then panic alternating with rage and deep despair. Constant intrusive thoughts. "He's only blocked you on one chat app, use another one and beg for him to talk to you." "You know where he lives, buy a plane ticket there and show up uninvited." "Never mind all of that: You have to kill yourself right now, it's the only solution."

I was tempted to get on this thread and just beg, "Please, for the love of God, somebody help me. I'd do anything to make this stop." But I've calmed down since then.

I'm just... Exhausted.

Those thoughts aren't the real me. I don't know where they come from. It's like being possessed, and I want it gone.

This is someone I've never met, who hasn't said a word to me in over a f--king month, and who I haven't spoken to in weeks - and who I've objectively been doing fine without. This is insane - not just that I'm still be having these episodes - but to the point where they're ruining my work schedule.

---

I don't know why I'm still writing about this. I'm not sure if it helps. But maybe if anyone's wondering what it's like to be Borderline (again, assuming it IS that), it'll provide some insight.

ComfortablyNumb5 · Mar 23, 2016, 09:39 PM

I know you don't usually like my "chiming in" or help. But you seem to have obsessive thinking about this one man. And first you claimed to be BP and now BPD (which can both be confused for the other). I think you should get an actual diagnosis before claiming all these like wise behaviors. You need to see a therapist for this OCD over a guy you've never met. Maybe all these issues are simply stemming from that? Sorry I may of intruded again but you are asking for advice on a public forum.

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It's Not Important · Mar 24, 2016, 02:25 AM

Quote:

I know you don't usually like my "chiming in" or help.

I don't know where you got that impression. It's fine.

Quote:

I think you should get an actual diagnosis before claiming all these like wise behaviors.

My pdoc appointment is today.

It's Not Important · Mar 24, 2016, 11:10 AM

So, I got a call today saying it's been pushed back another 20 days.

Thankfully, last month, I'd scheduled an appointment with another pdoc for the 30th just in case. So even if it'll still be another week before I know what I have, but better than 3 weeks.

I've started taking St. John's and Kava again because at least it beats the depression back enough to get me out of bed and functioning, even if it might not be the ideal solution.

ComfortablyNumb5 · Mar 24, 2016, 12:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by It's Not Important

So, I got a call today saying it's been pushed back another 20 days.

Thankfully, last month, I'd scheduled an appointment with another pdoc for the 30th just in case. So even if it'll still be another week before I know what I have, but better than 3 weeks.

I've started taking St. John's and Kava again because at least it beats the depression back enough to get me out of bed and functioning, even if it might not be the ideal solution.

Nothing more annoying than when that happens! The 30th will be here before you know it though. Just go in with all honesty and remember that if you're not comfortable with this person, then try the next! I've been stuck with new or different pdocs out of crisis and ER appointments and went straight to front desk and said "I will never see that guy again!" Lol. Sorry if you already mentioned this but are you seeking therapy too? I think this fixation with this friend is burdening you too much and you more personal interaction with a professional and not just a forum. You need to learn about yourself and figure out why it is you're feeling this way. I'm a very codependent person (maybe a part of my BPD) so I can never let anyone go. Just yesterday I kicked my bf out only to practically wrap myself around his leg as he was leaving. Lol hey it worked though.

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It's Not Important · Mar 25, 2016, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Sorry if you already mentioned this but are you seeking therapy too?

Yes. My current therapist tells me to try meditating, taking more vitamins, get out and be social, and to eat more. I'm trying, but the disorder - whatever it is - is getting worse.

Trippin2.0 · Mar 25, 2016, 03:51 PM

Your therapist doesn't suggest how to manage these maladaptive thought patterns and your subsequent reactions?

I would seriously get a new T in your shoes.

BPD or not, ask your T about DBT and CBT, very skills based therapy and quite effective if you're open to suggestion...

It's Not Important · Mar 25, 2016, 04:07 PM

Yeah, I already told her I'd be interested in DBT, or if the clinic I go to even does DBT. I don't know if she's planning to do anything about it. Regarding that, all she tells me is to avoid contacting him, like everyone else.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do now, because I don't have insurance yet and I can't afford to keep stacking up appointments with different therapists and psychiatrists, not to mention all the "stopgap supplements."

Anyway, the "episode" got really horrible last yesterday and even worse today - it got to the point of flashbacks to a traumatic memory from my childhood, then both talking to myself and crying in public - then it just stopped. I feel fine again.

Hopefully it stays the f--k away this time. This is BS.

It's Not Important · 06:27 PM

So, I went to the Pdoc appointment... And it was ANOTHER intake. I still haven't been diagnosed or prescribed anything.

The ACTUAL Pdoc appointment is scheduled for Monday, though, so although I'm beginning to wonder if pdocs actually exist by this point, it's not that long of a wait.

When I got home, I fell asleep at my desk and missed my therapy appointment. It's fine, I guess. I might want to wait for the diagnosis before resuming therapy anyway.

The panic and depression haven't gone away, but at least I don't have the urge to email him or check to see if he's unblocked me on chat 30 times a day anymore, so I guess that's progress? I guess I'm beginning to be OK with the idea of never talking to him again.

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Lost a friend I'd do anything to get back. Now I'm going to write about it.

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