[CycloMary]

I have always had fantasies of running away from my life.
Is that BP related?
I don't know but it gives me hope that there is a happy ever after somewhere.

It can be quite hard to accept this lifelong struggle will not end...sure meds can help to a point. But it will always be there. Something to always battle & juggle. Moods & meds...rollercoaster of BS.

The past few days I have been in a nasty, irritable, angry depressed mood.
To those around me, I am keeping it cool. Mainly, just staying silent & avoiding things but inside I am a hurricane of anger. I want to break things, bash things with a baseball bat to release this negative energy. I want to scream & cry, basically have a temper tantrum.
Anyone else have this or these urges?

Yet, I sit here with my poker face & inside an inferno burns.

[It's Not Important]

Realizing it's your BD is a good first step. I've done some massively stupid things during episodes - smashing a laptop that was acting up, ending relationships I later regretted, quitting jobs. ...But also some that ended up being good, like running away from an abusive home.

To be honest, your life MAY be bad enough to be worth running away from.

...But it's a crapshoot, and while you're in this mood, you probably can't trust your perceptions. Do you really want to gamble with your life?

[gina_re]

I want to say it's not necessarily a BP thing. I had a friend a few years back who wanted to do the same thing. Just get a new start somewhere else because life here was not making her happy. But how I look at it is if you want to up and move because of personal reasons and issues you're struggling with, those issues will follow you to your new residence if you don't resolve them. Just a little food for thought..

[pirilin]

Nobody is truly happy all the time. Bipolar or not.
We all have a chance to be happy even with bipolar.
Anger is bad company. Sometimes it leads to rage.
Everything I've done in rage comes out bad.
And we're known for having short fuses.
I think you're mosty venting, but just in case,
Wait until anger goes away. And it will.

[Wanderlust90]

I'm perpetually irritable, angry & discontent unless I'm lucky enough to have a few days where everything seems exciting & worthwhile again. I feel agitated when up in energy aswell most of the time. It's hard but remember that time changes everything.

[cashart10]

I am tempted to run away from home, sometimes to go to the beach alone (which is about 12 hours from my home) and sometimes to leave my family and find a woman to spend my life with.

I have a very loving family and they are where I belong. Wanting to leave is a clearcut sign that I am manic.

[Wanderlust90]

I also keep my cool around others for the most part. I think it's because for moments I can squash all the feelings, & feel slightly better, they always come back though. If I didn't keep my cool as long as possible everyone would know & I feel like I would be forced to deal with the situation, instead of bury my head in the sand for moments of peace. Like no drugs to cover it all anymore because they are just making it all worse, but I wouldn't know where to start without them. I digress. My point was, what do you do? Continue to bottle it up & save those around you or lay it all out on the table & lose the chance to be free?

[B2008]

Yes! I'm always running into walls screaming it gets sooo loud inside my head so hard not to give into the urge to act on it but outside no one knows. I can't act on it I have little ones to protect from myself. Very difficult!

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

[CycloMary]

Not planning anything. Just venting.

Mixed episodes suck. But they end.
I feeling better.
Thanks for everyone's input.
It helps to know I'm not alone in this mind prison.

[BipolaRNurse]

I can so relate to the OP. During past manic episodes I've had us half-packed and ready to move to Arizona, and others I just want to get rid of our 36 years' worth of accumulated stuff and drive away with only as much as the car can hold. (This sort of thing never occurs to me when I'm depressed, or when I'm stable.) I feel like I will explode if I can't get away from whatever is making me uncomfortable. Trouble is, sometimes I don't even know what's bothering me...I just want to run.

Originally Posted by CycloMary

I have always had fantasies of running away from my life.
Is that BP related?
I don't know but it gives me hope that there is a happy ever after somewhere.

It can be quite hard to accept this lifelong struggle will not end...sure meds can help to a point. But it will always be there. Something to always battle & juggle. Moods & meds...rollercoaster of BS.

The past few days I have been in a nasty, irritable, angry depressed mood.
To those around me, I am keeping it cool. Mainly, just staying silent & avoiding things but inside I am a hurricane of anger. I want to break things, bash things with a baseball bat to release this negative energy. I want to scream & cry, basically have a temper tantrum.
Anyone else have this or these urges?

Yet, I sit here with my poker face & inside an inferno burns.

No, its reality. Bp is likevwho cares...eff everyone wihout knowing and going crazy only to feel bad about it later after the mood lifts then e go to hell over it.

Run away is normal.

[LorrieTorrie]

I often want to runaway and start over. I feel like mania has ruined my life, and that my family deserves better than what I can offer. I'm a terrible wife and mother.