Mildly depressed before full-on mania

Do you share my experience that full-on manic episodes (gradually escalating or acute) are often preceded by a mild depression induced by strict norms and/or endless routine? If so, do you feel mania is induced by sabotage to feel some excitement? And if so, do you think there are better ways to deal with under-stimulation? And which might that be?

Myself, I think there is no shame in looking for excitement, but too often this involves looking for resistance, a fight, as it were.

Could it be that we (subconsciously) look for ways to limit our options for the purpose of thrill-seeking and some more (clear) meaning to our lives?

If not, what mechanism do you find may underlie a switch to (pre-)mania? Or do you see yourself solely the victim of an illness which purely spontaneously gives you periods of severe depression and mania?

Does it comfort you to think of your BP as something you have no control over? Honestly it does for me. I must remind myself that the underlying causes of my mood changes might be abnormal, but that doesn't mean I should just give up trying to cope with as little psychopharmacological aids as possible. Even if is very difficult and people don't understand, it is still my responsibility not to get manic or depressed. Not all guilt after a manic episode is unjustified and purely given in by irrational, depressive thinking.

I just had that experience happen to me back in January. I started to get depressed and feel bad them suddenly it switch after a month (my depressions last a few months) and I turned severely manic and psychotic. I don't know what happened it was very strange. I think it was because my meds or what but it was a very hard time because I realized I have no control over this disorder. I am in the hands this disorder and even if I take meds there is a chance that it will be just like a flip of a switch. I'm scared to live my life because of this disorder.

I am sorry to hear you feel like you have no control. I do relate. It's certainly a distinguishing feature of BP that we ourselves and clinicians are unprepared and surprised by the (sometimes sudden) polarity switches. Not knowing what could possibly have caused it.

In my experience, a mood episode is "primed" by a milder switch, but our reaction to it often, but certainly not always, makes it go to extremes.

A big part of that reaction can certainly be fear. After every episode, the fear and anxiety becomes greater and rises faster. Any small change in mood causes anxiety. Our episodes then become more chronic, erratic and spontaneous.

However, this would imply you can get back to a state without spontaneous, sudden polarity switches by not concentrating on your mood, being unable to control them, but just on bringing the resulting fear/anxiety down to not have it escalate. Too often, in my experience, anxiety is seen as just a comorbid condition which kinda just lives alongside BP, but the "positive feedback loop" between mood and anxiety is underestimated.

Very often, maybe always, BP starts off by reactive mood changes and only later these become more spontaneous and erratic. This is just built up fear. It is harder to see the cause of mood changes just because you are more sensitive of them. This there is a cause: there always is, for everything (with the possible exception of God and first life or some Big Bang).

I would, therefore, concentrate on that fear. If you can't bring it down yourself, use whatever pharmalogical means to get it down. Even if that means living like a zombie for a while. But make sure you still cycle enough to notice it, but without the fear.

That way, you dissociate a change in mood/energy from anxiety.

Living without fear for your changes in mood, energy and perception is the first step. Just let it all happen. Give yourself time to heal. If at all possible, take some leave of absence from all your other responsibilities and focus just on one: accept (wild) polarity changes, don't rush yourself to counter them, take a sleep aid if necessary and I promise you: just by accepting the changes, you actually will start to get back more and more control.

I really hope you start to feel better and, at least a little bit, more in control. Give it time, but stay optimistic. One step at a time. Relief from anxiety only needs time with less anxiety. Any day you manage that, you control the disorder.

Oh, and find ways to lose energy with no/less risk of inducing fear. Sometimes even socialising is far too risky and you should just get away from any excitement or risk of people reacting "badly". The effort to restrain yourself can be very counterproductive in social situations. Having people around who just wants to calm you down is not gonna help. But do look for stimulation, as much variety as possible, don't isolate, but steer away from possible reactions to your behaviour. Much of it can anxiety-inducing, even subconsciously.