[Wanderlust90]

People look at me weird when I explain that I feel my mind & me are at odds. That I don't have control over what I do & don't like. For example, I'm a vegetarian, not even by choice, I WANT to like meat & seafood, I just can't stand it, it's like trying to eat something rotten, I just can't. I want to have an appetite but often just cannot eat. If I try to overcome myself I'm met with incredible anxiety & dysphoria that usually manifests itself through physical symptoms like headache, nausea & muscle aches & stiffness. I feel like I'm trapped inside a body & mind that doesn't want me to reach my full potential.

[cashart10]

I'm so sorry you struggle with this. It is difficult to have an intrusive mental illness steal our thoughts and emotions and actions. I would say that not all you are experiencing is bipolar though. What you are describing about being a vegetarian but wanting to eat meat, that just sounds like an internal struggle. My son has serious anxiety about foods. While I realize he is much, much younger than you, I do believe that childhood anxiety may have never left you. Also, I realize this is much different but when I was in high school I was a vegetarian. I did not have the convictions (although I did believe I had them) but was a vegetarian because my best friend was a vegetarian and I thought it was cool. We don't always do things for "normal" reasons. And, to be conflicted about something strange is, to an extent, quite human.

When I was in HIGH SCHOOL, someone put tuna salad on my lunch tray and I CRIED. To this day, tuna salad makes me want to vomit. I cannot get past it. And, I can promise you that if someone tried to make me eat it, I would have severe anxiety. And I would also say that your wanting to eat and not being able is comparable to me and many others who really want to stay away from carbs (especially sweets for me) but cannot get past the desire and cravings. Since being on certain meds, this has gotten out of control and I have gained a substantial amount of weight. I cannot fathom what I will do if the weight gain continues. Anyway, I'm not sure if this helps or even if I am on track; these are just some thoughts.

[Wanderlust90]

I know it's not all bipolar related. I just feel like that internal struggle exists for me on a daily basis on so many levels. I don't know who I am or what I like or want or believe in anymore. My outlook changes with my mood too frequently for me to have stable ground to walk on. The food stuff was just a small example, I don't know how to convey the sense of not having control over my thoughts & feelings.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. How do you address your sons food anxieties? I very much agree that my problems with food stem from childhood. I behaved the same then when it comes to food as I do now, it never seemed to bother me before though.

[cashart10]

Once again, I am sorry for you. I think I understand what you are saying a bit more. When I had a spiritual crisis during my teenage years I had no idea what I thought or believed. It was critical and my loss of self felt catastropic. I remember crying day after day (some of that was my early onset bipolar) and hating the person I was becoming: an uncertain, insecure, and erratic nobody.

My son sees a speech therapist for his speech issues and, at this point mainly, food aversions. Much of the solutions for him would probably not fit an adult. For instance, we put 4 things on a plate and he starts with one food, has to take a bite (or at least touch it or put it to his mouth just to get him used to it), and then we turn his plate and he does the same thing with the rest of the foods. We offer what he likes less on the first side.

Another thing is just to have him kiss his food and play other silly games with the food just to get him used to it. We just keep offering it as long as he will tolerate it on his plate. He is almost 6.

[Wanderlust90]

Thanks cashart. It is abit like a spiritual crisis. I had direction in my childhood & teen years. I've lost it. I'm still in search of meaning & I feel like until I find it I'm perpetually on the fence, never able to figure out what I stand for, even what I like. That's the weirdest thing, how do I not know what it is that makes me happy?

I hope your son continues to make progress. I suppose non of those methods would be ideal for me but I know with perseverance & some therapy I would be able to overcome my weird food anxieties.

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by Wanderlust90

Thanks cashart. It is abit like a spiritual crisis. I had direction in my childhood & teen years. I've lost it. I'm still in search of meaning & I feel like until I find it I'm perpetually on the fence, never able to figure out what I stand for, even what I like. That's the weirdest thing, how do I not know what it is that makes me happy?

I hope your son continues to make progress. I suppose non of those methods would be ideal for me but I know with perseverance & some therapy I would be able to overcome my weird food anxieties.

I totally relate to the continuously changing outlook. I think most of us without many clearly stable periods can.

What I try to do is use depression or relative stability to pick one thing I found meaningful during periods of (mild) mania which seem to have been the most consistent across such periods and then stick with that. Even if nothing has much/any meaning for you now, just focus on that one thing in the knowledge that it probably has meaning as you felt it before, and do everything to avoid distraction or doubt. Just try and do it, continue with it. Even if you progress slowly and you don't feel any passion for it, at the moment. However, be sure to allow yourself some peace during depression just enough for the veil to lift enough to proceed without anxiety-inducing effort, which would consequencently only deepen the depression.

For me, it is very difficult to continue doing things I done during periods of mania, just because of the association with failure due to mania. However, forcing yourself to do them will eventually dissociate that feeling from what is you wanted to do. Given time, you can continue with it with more and more ease.

Far to often, lack of focus is the only enemy of achievement. We might actually achieve quite a lot, in some way more than others, we experience more (both more things and more deeply) but it just doesn't fully materialise.

Hope you feel more direction soon.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Hi Wander.
I read Food Babe online. I still eat things like jello with colors she says are bad for you.

But I do think every time I improve my diet it's a step forward to managing bipolar.
Ps. I'm a vegetarian - but not full blown. I just don't eat chicken, beef and pork. Seafood and cheese are ok for me.

[violetgreen]

I relate to what you're describing. It's insidious, to the extent that when anyone anytime asks me "what are you gonna DO today," I do the duck and cover. Thinking it, saying IT, will derail any intention or wish. I'll feel distress, and disgust even for that whatever big or small thing. What I'll eat, if I exercise or go out, clean, work on a project, it's so annoying! I feel like I'm just bouncing around randomly, avoiding things, or doing things.

I haven't connected this with bipolar, just thought it is a character flaw, like procrastination. Thanks for a different frame for my pattern of behavior. When I do address it, push back against my inclination, I treat it like something to desensitize myself from, move towards...hard labor, it works.