[Icare dixit]

Which parent screwed you up the most (and how)?

What is it you are your parents (forever) thankful for?

My father (pretty much as far removed from BP as is possible without being considered in some other pervasive way disordered) definitely screwed me up most. He clearly must the winner.

My mother (I know few who are as functional with untreated BP(D) as she) screwed me up by her high expressed emotion, anger outbursts, and unrelenting conviction about what is best for me.

I am forever thankful they screwed me up like they did, being who I am now.

I thank my father with expecting from and teaching me, a rationality, giving me rational mind, that is rivalled by few.

I thank my mother for showing and teaching me how to talk about my emotions and for always giving me the needed support (with the exception of my early depressive years, a depression which she denies in herself as much as she missed it in me).

I thank both for financially supporting me when times were bad.

With the help of much-needed meds, I feel they have let me have my cake and eat it too.

How nice, joyfully freeing, it is too have experienced so much and to leave it all behind.

[1278]

I think both my parent screwed up equally in their own ways.
My parents are both very controlling, paranoid and manipulated me so I could be the perfect child which worked (because I idolised them), until I got sick, then things started falling apart. I was never allowed to date, even now I would never dream it (I'm 22) because studies are no.1. I was always top 5 in my district, have never smoked, drank, been clubbing or even kissed a guy! I have lived a very sheltered life which was part of the problem because once I started staying on my own I didn't know what to do because I always relied on my parents. They manipulated me into doing medicine, a career I clearly hated, and now I left halfway through the degree, my dad is clearly disappointed but I'm only human too (and also very unstable due to my illness). My dad always had a huge stigma against my mum for her depression, so I hid that I was severely depressed for years too. I could go on and on but at least now they are trying to make up for their mistakes, even though they still slip up once in a while.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I tend to think that my BP was triggered by my dads actions. He brought a women into our home and she abused us kids. One month after my mom died. I kind of believe that if my mom were still around and raised me that I'd be fine. This may be silly and I may be pointing fingers here but a part of me wants to believe that BP is triggered by trauma like other MI's.

Now I realize that may be unfair and might not be true. But I'm nowhere "over" the abuse and I still have a lot of work to do on myself. And it's my fault for putting that work off. But I still am not ready to talk about it with a T. The last time I tried I flipped out. And this is about 15 yrs later.

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Originally Posted by Icare dixit

Which parent screwed you up the most (and how)?

My mother. Hands down. Serious mental issues (untreated, mind-boggling denial). How? I'd hardly know where to start. I'm hard-pressed to think of much that hasn't been negatively impacted. She never admitted, let alone apologized. Ever. For anything. I can recall only one compliment growing up.

It was what it was. (And it was a long time ago.)

Despite this, I was doing quite well before the BP. That first severe depression came at 20. It side-swiped me out of nowhere. I was having a GREAT time for months on end before that. Getting no help at the time (obviously), these chunks of inexplicable-ness continued another couple of decades before I learned it was bipolar.

Originally Posted by Icare dixit

What is it you are your parents (forever) thankful for?

To my dad that he is NOT the person my mother made him out to be all those years. It may have taken 36 years in the dark, but it was good to find out. And that he didn't reject me when I did contact him.

To my mother? Nothing comes to mind.

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by 1278

I think both my parent screwed up equally in their own ways.
My parents are both very controlling, paranoid and manipulated me so I could be the perfect child which worked (because I idolised them), until I got sick, then things started falling apart. I was never allowed to date, even now I would never dream it (I'm 22) because studies are no.1. I was always top 5 in my district, have never smoked, drank, been clubbing or even kissed a guy! I have lived a very sheltered life which was part of the problem because once I started staying on my own I didn't know what to do because I always relied on my parents. They manipulated me into doing medicine, a career I clearly hated, and now I left halfway through the degree, my dad is clearly disappointed but I'm only human too (and also very unstable due to my illness). My dad always had a huge stigma against my mum for her depression, so I hid that I was severely depressed for years too. I could go on and on but at least now they are trying to make up for their mistakes, even though they still slip up once in a while.

You are very much like me! Except I had a good 11 years where I was left unchecked and I developed a personality near "our" borderline. So tumultuous child relationships and kissing were not a problem then.

But any of that you can do after university. You're still very young.

Most if not all (bet ya all that already passed onset: are diagnosed BP or should really be) with BP or "almost-BP" experience a (huge) deterioration in their symptoms at university. Though you are anxious about doing so, I would really suggest you find a simple, maybe bit monotonous, but not itself stressful activity to do besides university. I do talk from experience. Anything would really do. Just a distraction, doesn't really matter how many hours.

Disappointed parents is also what next to 100% of us experience. Try to find people to talk about these issues. Just to get them out. Even if someone doesn't share the experiences, talking helps. A therapist will do or a good friend, maybe a local (university?) BP/unipolar support group.

After university, I'd say, be sure to talk openly about these issues with your parents. Very important. You may find they feel as guilty as you sometimes (not talking makes you depressed and they keep you depressed by their actions given in by guilt).

If I understood correctly (thought I read it somewhere) you have indeed registered for a new year. Don't you mind whether it was the best course of action or not (I think it is), but focus on balancing your course load. I think I speak for everyone (how presumptuous ), when I say none of us will be disappointed if you pass only one course this year. And the appraisal of those that understand your problems are really what matters now. Your parents will understand better and will be more accepting later in life. One thing at a time.



RxQueen, for at least one third of people with BP it is at least partly triggered by severe trauma (comorbid PTSD). A good one third is likely to have endured at least some traumatic events/incidents. I personally think next to 100% has endured manipulation and/or dismissal of their problems.

Hope you learn to talk about your trauma, clearheaded, without too much pain, in time. Have you tried EMDR? It may help you. Sitting in a train or city bus just thinking about the traumatic events, the abuse, might help you (it's pretty much as good as EMDR can be, though you might really need assistance from a therapist).



You are both much loved.

[Icare dixit]

Innerzone, I can relate to much you say about your mother (untreated, in denial and always right and your father is to blame).

However, in my case, she was right about my father (she still denies her part, though; doesn't even admit angry outbursts if her neighbours complain, pressured speech or stress-induced distractibility, hyperactivity and extremely bad working memory, acting on every new thought that pops into her mind as if on a mission from God, caring too much).

[1278]

I did register, but I flaked out after one day due to anxiety and basically dysphoric mania so I had to suspend my studies for a year. Once I see my pdoc in two weeks though and get through this damn dysphoric mania and reach some stability I think I will definitely try to get involved in some volunteer work. Thank you for all the advice and support, this has definitely helped in what seems to be one of the worst rough patches I've gone through since diagnosed

Originally Posted by Icare dixit

Innerzone, I can relate to much you say about your mother (untreated, in denial and always right and your father is to blame)...

Always right? So you've met her?! Not only that, she can read minds too(!) Curiously, her conclusions are always in complete contradiction to whatever the person has plainly told her. Hmmmm. Among other things, she's bought a house, moved hundreds of miles, walked away from the best job she ever had, etc. based on these delusions.

*********
I don't think this will be triggering. There is nothing shared that is physical or graphic or substance related. There's even a touch of humor tucked in. But for anyone who's not sure, you can skip to the part with the little violin dude.
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She didn't so much blame him for how we were (except monetarily). Just ran him down at every opportunity real or imagined. We actually had nearly no contact. She'd run off with us (younger sister and myself) when I was like 4, and cut off contact with all our relatives from his side. It was years before I realized fully the game. She controlled ALL information. It was 100% negative, wildly exaggerated or just plain BS. We had nothing to reality check with.

Big time fear monger. No matter how ridiculous. We had to do things she had failed at. Everyone was the "wrong" kind of people (she was very inclusive that way, lol). We couldn't wear the color red. To have more than the neck button on a buttoned shirt was tantamount to being a slut(!) Anyone who happened to stop to talk to someone near the corner of 2 streets? Well, we all know what THAT means(!) If you were bullied, it was your fault. You were responsible for everything, even things over which you had no control. Having given us a ride to one school event, she flipped out over our "out of control social life"(!) Hahaha. And blah blah blah.

You get the picture: a piece of work.
For all that (and much more of course), the most damaging things were two. 1) Ingraining the notion that to talk to someone or, God forbid, ask for something was to "bother" them. And 2) Soooo many times saying, "Who do you think you are?!" It was not a question.

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Kind of a depressing post!
So let's end with some funnies...

When one of my grandparents died, she was given a small table to ship to her sister. Knowing how she's always got an excuse, a relative gave her $100 dollars so that cost would not be an issue. It's been 20 years. It's still in her living room, with a $100 dollar bill taped to it.

She refused to part with an old beat up violin, insisting it was one of THE Stradivarius precious ones. (Yes, she's a hoarder. There's also a pile of tires in the living room. Very stylish! )

And my personal favorite...
When my son was little, she said there was a calculation online that would tell you exactly how tall a kid will grow up to be. She repeatedly insisted it would accurate. She was so worked up over my skepticism. "Mark my words, he'll be 5'8"!!!"

He's 6' 5". (So close! )

[Icare dixit]

Innerzone!,

Ok, but we have a winner: my mother can be quite delusional, but not really bordering on bizarre, just plain wrong. Lot's about my father, me and my sister. Really strange stuff about my sister. Kicked me out when I still lived with her. Put all my stuff on the pavement. She is more like BP-II with some BDP traits. Used to steal a lot. Her depression is severe and masked by somatisation. Hoarding: check. She is always out and about. By necessity or conviction spent very little on our clothes and stuff, when we were young, very frugal, then buying lots of stuff impulsively, much of it also food that eventually had to be thrown away.

But I understand how your mother probably screwed you up more.

The other thing with my father however, was that he trained or taught us to basically always treat my mother as some crazy menace which could be ordered around like a slave, pretty much. My mother is really BP-severe caring (not the fun hypomanic one) and feels a lot of BP-severe guilt a lot of the time, so my father also really screwed her up more. Being children, we kinda went along with it, I am ashamed to admit.

The really screwing me up by my father started when he saw my mother in me. He did everything to stop me becoming as "crazy". His idea of crazy however, went beyond normalcy to some very rigid, suffocating state for me to be in. Someone who he was (and is) comfortable being. His techniques including mild but impressive physical abuse and a lot more of manipulation and stuff. I became a shadow of who I really was at that time.

Since his actions were also given in by this inability to live outside this very conscientious, rational, monotonous frame of mind he felt at ease with but which was suffocating us, he has felt very guilty ever since.

And I have now learned I should never feel guilty for making good use of that. Repaying his debt will last a lifetime. Pretty much all I am willing to help him with is to ease his guilt.

I don't hate him for it.

[BastetsMuse]

Originally Posted by Icare dixit

Which parent screwed you up the most (and how)?

What is it you are your parents (forever) thankful for?.

My parents pretty much share the responsibility for any screwing up they did to me -- they were both abusive in their own ways.

As for being thankful.... I don't know that my parents are thankful for anything in me; it's never been discussed. As for me being thankful for something they taught me.... I'd have to say they gave me a strong work ethic.

[raspberrytorte]

My parents didn't screw me up. I screwed myself up.

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

My parents didn't screw me up. I screwed myself up.

Your parents must have helped you a bit, right?

Maybe your still too young to see it.

Sorry, joking aside, good to know that we may have sane parents as well.

Whatever you do, always (also) see the good in them. Sure it's there.

[raspberrytorte]

Oh, my parents are fine. My mom's got a little crazy in her. Actually, the entire side of my moms family does. I'm just mad at my parents right now so I can't think of the good at this moment. Lol. There is good there though.

Sorry, Icare dixit, I've been meaning to get back to this, but it's been a rough couple of days -- thoughts too scattered for writing.

Anyhow, I did want to make a point of adding that despite all that was messed up about it, I feel positively blessed compared to what many here on PC have been through. Truly.

That's terrible how treating your mother that way was modeled. It's good to hear that at least he gets that now. Don't be too hard on yourself for "going along with" as a child. Children will perceive things as normal that aren't, simply from not knowing any different.

When you talk about your father seeing your mother in you, it makes me wonder. I don't know if anyone else did in my case. My dad couldn't have of course. BP hit full force at 20. It's rather complicated to explain, but basically, everyone was scattered at that point. I had to move in with my mother for a short time (before jumping ship at first viable opportunity, lol). Whatever she saw, she didn't like, that's for sure! Though, being in such denial.... Who knows WHAT was going on in that looking glass(!)

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Sorry, Icare dixit, I've been meaning to get back to this, but it's been a rough couple of days -- thoughts too scattered for writing.

Anyhow, I did want to make a point of adding that despite all that was messed up about it, I feel positively blessed compared to what many here on PC have been through. Truly.

That's terrible how treating your mother that way was modeled. It's good to hear that at least he gets that now. Don't be too hard on yourself for "going along with" as a child. Children will perceive things as normal that aren't, simply from not knowing any different.

When you talk about your father seeing your mother in you, it makes me wonder. I don't know if anyone else did in my case. My dad couldn't have of course. BP hit full force at 20. It's rather complicated to explain, but basically, everyone was scattered at that point. I had to move in with my mother for a short time (before jumping ship at first viable opportunity, lol). Whatever she saw, she didn't like, that's for sure! Though, being in such denial.... Who knows WHAT was going on in that looking glass(!)

No worries.

Thank you so much for this!

As far as the going along goes, in our family all guilt cancels each other out pretty well even if things are left unspoken. My father is not much of a talker.

As long as your mother sees at least something of herself in you, however small, her perception of you mustn't be that/all bad.