[x_BabyG_x]

I really haven't been coping well lately, at all. think I may be in some kind of mixed state?

Ive been pretty much stable for about two years on quetiapine now, apart from a light depression (I say light, they never really are though are they?) late last year.

I'm not well. I've had this severely vicious form of anxiety/energy in me for about two weeks now. Om monday I woke up and had the best day ever, decided to write a book, sacked work off like a FOOL (god knows how im going to be able to pay my friggin rent next month - i had the week before off work as well ), bought a bible and started studying it for this new novel I was so keen on writing. My mind has been racing like I dont know what, but in between I have been having this sore anxiety that has been pushing me under. I have been writing on my blog all week, just writing and writing to try and distract me from the anxiety or whatever it is but today it got too much. It was nasty today.

My daughter was wingeing about nothing in particular she was having a really off day. I just snapped. I screamed at the top of my lungs at her, grabbed my hair started tearing it out and I ended up in a ball in the kitchen floor screaming.

I dropped her off at her nans when I had calmed down and I genuinely couldnt cope with the energy any more. I sent a text to my boyfriend and told him I couldnt do it anymore, I said I feel at risk of hurting myself and that I didnt know whether to get checked in to the hospital, but I needed to tell someone what was going on before I got myself in to some danger.

I drove to a chemist, got some co-codamol tablets, and took a few, then just carried on driving. The co codamol kicked in after about twenty minutes and for the first time in weeks I felt free from myself. Free and light and good from this energy. I blasted my music on and I was on the motorway shouting at the top of my lungs to it. I panicked and it just felt to good to just DRIVE and the further from home I felt the better and more free I felt so I went and ****ing ran away didn't i?

I ended up in Wales, 100 mile away. I had no money and hardly any petrol left my the time I got there.

I know it sounds crazy like I lost my head, I did, but for the first time in ages I felt free from my anxiety.

Of course, my boyfriend got scared and convinced me to come home. I got home later tonight after a two hour drive home after he wired me some money.

Im home now, I feel okay after the release but I know this anxiety is going to come back and I dont know how to deal with it. Its like my brain is just saying NO now and not functioning when it's here. I dont know how to get rid of it but it is so nasty and painful. I don't know why it is there. What do i do when it comes back? I need help. I havent been this bad in ages/

[Keegan2015]

Hey x_BabyG_x , thanks for sharing your story!

I am glad that you were able to stay (relatively) safe throughout your ordeal. There were a couple of things you mentioned that concerned me, particularly taking pain medication (that's what co-comadol is, right?) while driving and ending up so far away from home with no means of being able to get back on your own. The way you "lost your head" (as you put it) sounds EXACTLY like some of my own manic episodes and should definitely be cause for concern.

I see that you don't have any meds listed in your signature (not that you need to), which leads me to wonder if you're currently taking any mood stabilizers or anti-psychotics? If you're not, can you ask whoever your main doctor is about going on lamictal or lithium or something like that? I don't know how mental health treatment works in the UK, but in the US the way you're acting could quickly land you inpatient (that's speaking from my own experience). Maybe you should consider going IP or IOP before the mania goes totally off the rails?

Anxiety has been a big problem for me as well. I used to have a prescription for klonopin which worked really well for me, but I can no longer get it prescribed on account of my history of substance abuse. Now I use other coping strategies like attending support group meetings, pre-occupying myself with a healthy distraction like writing music or reading, and aroma therapy.

I know this answer was kind of all over the place, but there was a lot in your post worth responding to. Hopefully I didn't offend you or sound too preachy, I'm just trying to be honest and provide some insight.

[x_BabyG_x]

thank you for your thoughts really appreciate them.

I am on quetiapine as a mood stabliser at the moment and it has worked relatively well until rcently I suppose.

I do also have a past history of substance, I bet you can take a good guess at what exactly right?? I caved in with the codeine today as I just couldnt take any more of the anxiety. Im on and off with painkillers every few months or so but not as bad as I was in rehab for a few year back.

Do i really sound manic to you? im so confused as I dont know where my head is at the moment, Its like im experiencing a bit of everything

[Keegan2015]

Originally Posted by x_BabyG_x

thank you for your thoughts really appreciate them.

I am on quetiapine as a mood stabliser at the moment and it has worked relatively well until rcently I suppose.

I do also have a past history of substance, I bet you can take a good guess at what exactly right?? I caved in with the codeine today as I just couldnt take any more of the anxiety. Im on and off with painkillers every few months or so but not as bad as I was in rehab for a few year back.

Do i really sound manic to you? im so confused as I dont know where my head is at the moment, Its like im experiencing a bit of everything

I'm not familiar with quetiapine but I can say that many mood-stabilizers / APs can lose their therapeutic effectiveness over time. Definitely stay away from self-medicating (especially with pain killers), it's a slippery slope that ends badly.

And yeah you sound really manic IMO. Impulsively driving 100 miles with no particular destination in mind with no money to get back home is not normal behavior (Feeling euphoric and screaming at the highway while driving is something I've done more than once while manic as well). Not to mention the explosive meltdown in front of your child and substance abuse.

I really think you should tread carefully and meet with a doctor as soon as possible

[bipolar angel]

In my opinion (no offense intended)I also think you could be having some mania. We are all unique in how our experience plays out...but I can be very angry/anxious/outbursts right before I bottom into depression...I don't get true mania,more like hypomanic. For me,whn that way-I can be very chatty,spend a lot on junk I don't need,want to eat out all the time,etc. Driving the 100 miles on a whim with no money-could be mania-IMO...even though you are on mood stabilizer-mayb they need to tweak it/along with anxiety med/in my opinion...what helps me is to journal-write it all down thoughts/feelings/behaviors..I'm hoping you have therapist you can talk to'mine helps me figure out triggers that might have set my off.
Sorry I'm rambling...hoping you can work it out

[wildflowerchild25]

Just throwing this out there....painkillers will kill you. My husband was clean for nine months and went back to it and the second time he did it it killed him. I'm assuming he went to take his normal hit and it was too much for him. So stay the **** away from opiates.

^^^ THIS. SO MUCH THIS!!! ^^^

I live in fear every single day of losing a loved one over this.
Also, I've been on these boards for 5 1/2 years, and I never cried so hard as for 2 people who lost loved ones to opiates. You've been here longer than me and we want to keep it that way!

Aside from the mania possibility, I've run away (though nowhere near as far) when highly agitated. I didn't know WHERE I wanted to go, just that I had to.

Whatever it is, it does sound like a med adjustment might be in order. Also, maybe stress is part of this(?) Sounds like it might be. Are there some things you can do to help that? Like have some "you time" to decompress?

[Ocean Swimmer]

I agree. The opioids are damaging and effect bipolar in a weird way.
Be ever so careful.