[Wander]

For the last four weeks flashbacks and anxiety have been troubling me. In the last two weeks is has been getting much worse. I am at the verge of panic most of the time, nauseas, can't eat and desperate to escape what only lives in my mind. This week I have been having suicidal ideation so I am getting worried. I am beginning to lose my ability to cope with daily life; work, university etc. It feels like I am having a mental breakdown and am going to snap soon.

My options, as I see it, are to defer university for this semester and take the time to sort through some stuff or just press on. I can't stop working. I am scared. I know this is PTSD stuff but i am too frightened to even begin posting in another sub-forum. The pressure on my mind is immense.

[Raindropvampire]

This is where you have to be brutally honest with yourself: Are you capable of pressing on without breaking?

There is absolutely no shame in that answer being no. I have bipolar ADD CPTSD and goddess only knows what else and I have trouble knowing my limitations. I think millions of people everyday do this so suck it up wussy girl. I keep going until i snap. I'm 39 and finally learning to admit to myself when I've had enough. Be kind and gentle with yourself don't be a stubborn butt like me

[cashart10]

Perhaps you should go inpatient again? I wish I could take your sadness. Love you!

[violetgreen]

Over and over I keep going until I snap, too. That pattern doesn't work for me either. You say you can't stop working. Can you slow it down? Where is your support system while you are struggling like this? "Pressing on" seems like more turmoil, when you are already overwhelmed. Please take care of yourself.

[Icare dixit]

I think Raindropvampire gave excellent advice: don't push yourself too hard, try to press on, but don't be ashamed for taking a timeout from it all.

Living without anxiety is very much applying balancing techniques: don't do too much, not too little, don't fear anxiety itself, but don't use too much meds or "loud" distraction to run away from it.

If you can, travel (a long distance) by train, bus or car, looking at the changing view, maybe listen to some soothing (classical) music and/or just wander through crowds and/or nature. Make this part of your routine. Then after a while, while doing this, think about the memories that give you the most anxiety.

This is basically what they now sell as EMDR, but predates it and really works. Definitely nature is our natural, by definition: use it. You might also add EMDR or ERP (no looking for that "loud" distraction, exposing yourself to the cause your anxiety), guided by a therapist.

Try to do your studying and writing at the university campus, where there is a stimulation-wise moderate environment: under-stimulation is certainly an extreme you don't want. If there are other places where you can work, alternate, for additional stimuli moderation. Preferably with some trees and/or rivers or lakes nearby.

Good luck with your decision!

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by violetgreen

Over and over I keep going until I snap, too. That pattern doesn't work for me either. You say you can't stop working. Can you slow it down? Where is your support system while you are struggling like this? "Pressing on" seems like more turmoil, when you are already overwhelmed. Please take care of yourself.

Yes we all tend to do that, per BP-se, often, so the odds are you should take a break when in doubt.

University might seem like something you should be able to do just fine, compared to a job, but it is sometimes deceptively taxing. Remember, you very much use your brain, a thing that really needs some extra protection from overuse for us, again at times.

[Wander]

Thanks everyone!!

No, I am not capable of going on without breaking. In fact my life is crumbling around me now. I just don't want to lose one more thing to mental illness. I only got out of hospital 6 weeks ago and was doing well for a few weeks. This free fall has me scared.

Right now I am preparing to go into university for the morning but I am so anxious and low I am not sure I will make it in. I have work this afternoon and will need lots of clonazepam to get through. Having had so much time off recently, when in hospital, I am afraid to call in sick. Deferring university seems to be my only option and that breaks my heart.

[Wander]

I've lost it and gotten drunk and stoned in the morning. I just couldn't cope. Now i have to sober up for work at 4pm. I threw away the rest of my pot as it was making me more anxious. (I have only had it for a week) Things are spiralling.

[Wander]

Update. I made it through work with 8mg of Clonazepam. Still I was anxious. My T wants me to go inpatient but I am scared and paranoid for some reason. I hate this illness(es). I am really at breaking point but am so scared to get help. My brain isn't working so well. I am fed up with having periods of not coping and this is worse than usual. I want it all to be over.

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by Wander

Update. I made it through work with 8mg of Clonazepam. Still I was anxious. My T wants me to go inpatient but I am scared and paranoid for some reason. I hate this illness(es). I am really at breaking point but am so scared to get help. My brain isn't working so well. I am fed up with having periods of not coping and this is worse than usual. I want it all to be over.

Get help, take a break!

Your problems are perfectly natural for us with a psychotic disorder. Anxiety, depression, all that. Anxiety disorders/problems are manifold, so much so as to almost define university. Many students and pretty much all PhD students get a (mild/severe) depression at least for months.

I was mixed/manic/mixed/manic for years at university. I only wish I had the insight you have now: I didn't believe for a minute that I could be helped or sometimes/often that I needed help. Wrote papers detailing very much precisely how God actually governs our emotions and how language is an imperfect but very useful expression of that (I am a linguist).

My particular weakness is that I still believe to have a pretty good grasp on how He does it, but that's just me, not BP (I am SZA/BP). I try to fight it with science, where any theory goes (much less supported by research than mine; status is pretty much everything: I might talk/write the part, somewhat/sometimes look the part, but I have none).

But if I can do it, you can certainly do it too. I am a real basket case. You have insight and enough courage to at least value the opinion of a therapist at the right time.

Get help! As much as it takes.

[Wander]

After a really bad night today I went IP. Still really anxious, scared and paranoid even though I've been in this hospital before. Really need this to turn things around for me. Waiting to see a pdoc. Going crazy. My mind is a mess and I just want to escape

[Raindropvampire]

A good friend of mine suffers from GAD and her college was able to work with her. Her Pdoc and T wrote a letter explaining her illness. The college then had her professors work with her and she was able to do 95% of her work online. It seems uni is very important to you so I hope they will work with you. I see you are in a different country so I don't know if this is an option for you.

You have my most heartfelt sympathies. Fingers crossed you can get in with a Pdoc and get this worked out

Originally Posted by Wander

After a really bad night today I went IP. Still really anxious, scared and paranoid even though I've been in this hospital before. Really need this to turn things around for me. Waiting to see a pdoc. Going crazy. My mind is a mess and I just want to escape

I'm happy to hear you're at least in a safe environment. Good choice! Thank you for doing that too, it helps me to make that choice when it's too much. Just coming off 2 months of daily rapid cycling, sometimes within minutes, so I had my plans in place for IP too. Sometimes we just have to do that. Sending you the best.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

A good friend of mine suffers from GAD and her college was able to work with her. Her Pdoc and T wrote a letter explaining her illness. The college then had her professors work with her and she was able to do 95% of her work online. It seems uni is very important to you so I hope they will work with you. I see you are in a different country so I don't know if this is an option for you.

You have my most heartfelt sympathies. Fingers crossed you can get in with a Pdoc and get this worked out

Thanks for thinking of me. I'm doing a photography so it's very practical and hand on. Not something I can do from hospital. Also being creative is very difficult when so unwell. I'm sure I'd get extensions but right now I don't know when I will be up to it again. I also have 10 days to drop out before I have to pay for the semester even if I drop out later. It is a tough, heartbreaking decision. 😔