[ComfortablyNumb5]

These worries stem from an argument my bf and I had a few days ago. Now before anyone starts saying he's this or that, I said some horrible things too. Finally we decided to just stop, we love each other, we're both sorry, now we're going to move on. But something he said has been eating at me. He said that relationships take work and that's my problem with everyone I've pushed away in my life. He said he's read my msgs between friends and family and I just chase everyone off with one of my moods or hypo rants. And he's right. Just a few weeks ago, my friend had to block me on text because I was hypo and just going on and on. I've blown up on people during depressions or dysphoria. And many of times, I've scared people off by opening up about my illness. And our current problem is me being unable to get comfortable with his kids after a quick romance and moving one of his sons in my home with us. I'm having a hard adjustment period here. I feel like a monster! Thanks to meds I am "okay" as of today (take it day by day is what I do). Will I ever be able to edit what comes out of my mouth? Edit my thoughts? My emotions? I feel like when I do these things, I'm out of control. And yes I wake up the next day feeling stupid. I'm aware that I don't have many people left to count on but I wasn't aware that it was all my doing and my illness. And if I'm that bad of a person, what does that say about how I treat my bf? I admit when I'm in the moment, I'm unaware of what consequences my words will have. I feel so hurt right now and smacked with a huge realization. If I go on like this anymore I really won't have anyone left. Will and when I stop these actions? How can I make myself a better person? I don't even know how to live with myself right now.

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[gina_re]

This was/is me. I can't even begin to count how many friendships I've began and lost over the years. I've stabilized somewhat, but they still come and go out of my own issues for the most part. I've built up a wall so that I can cut people off easily after all the hurt I've suffered years ago. The scars will remain for who knows how long and I'm now very cautious around new people. Unfortunately I don't have any great advice, but I understand and feel your pain. You're not a bad person. It's just another symptom that needs to get under control.

[Icare dixit]

It is strange that you say you see it as an illness and still blame yourself. It is either/or I should think.

Seriously, it is all you but you don't have to feel guilty. Responsibility for your actions increases with control, decreases when you have no control. It works that way for everyone. Everyone loses control. For us, the losing of control is just generally longer and can be more severe. No harm done. Just tell them you lost control very badly. They better accept that. If they don't: their bad. Telling anyone that you have an illness, that you sometimes get "possessed" by it, is far more scary than the truth: it is you, just you, but with no reasonable control.

Not looking at it like this can be especially damaging if you feel stable/balanced , fully in control, but you this lose it. Of course you do: everyone does sometimes when they are stable/balanced. Most just are that way most of the time.

Sorry for the assertiveness, but I have gone to alarm phase red when it comes to psychiatry. I'll challenge current (not that very different from older) practices to the grave.

What now are clinical psychiatrists started off as directors of asylums. I kid you not. And they haven't made much progress. They got lucky that others came up with therapy that actually works: just and only taking meds and learning to cope yourself, without them.

[hopeless2015]

HUGS

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[Melmo]

I know what you mean. I have stopped dating for this reason. I have been involved with 6 people just in the last 5 years and they have only lasted a few weeks, one lasting 3 months. I push every single one of them away. I feel like I can't love anyone. I don't even like, let alone love myself.

[avlady]

i had so many friends in my youth and in my teens. i had so much fun.i also was very lonely sometimes even being with friends. i would feel actually sick from people like i was allergic from them. then in my late 20s i had a son. i never felt the severity of depression as bad as i had with post partum depression after having a child. my whole life changed, less friends and a bossy partner i'll call my sons dad. i was hypo because he kept egging me on about everything. maybe you have to deal with people who are toxic to your personality? to this day i wish i hadn't lost my friends. people have to accept us the way we are but can also help us on the way. we need to build each other up.

[avlady]

we have to accept each other where we are now and bring them up to where they can love again

Please excuse me while I attempt to put a positive spin on an otherwise terrible situation.....

First, you are not a monster. If you were a monster, you wouldn't care about who you are hurting.

If I'm interpreting you correctly, it was just recently brought to your attention that your behavior could have led to the failings of previous relationships? So this is a brand new thought for you? How confident are you that your boyfriend's interpretations are correct? If you feel this is valid and accurate, don't despair. It's doubtful you've been entirely responsible. Even if you were (which again, is doubtful) you didn't know you were doing it. You didn't do it on purpose, or with some manical, premeditated agenda. You lost control, it happens. There is a saying "when you know better, you do better". Now that you recognize the pattern of pushing people away, you can begin to figure out ways of improving things.