Memory

How good would you say your memory is? Is it the same for episodic (what did I eat yesterday?; when did I get my first bike?) and working memory (these N unrelated things I can quite easily keep it memory, where N is the number of items)?

How was it before the onset of BP, has it changed since? Did meds play are role?

Would you say your memory is more negative/fluid/associative/affectual or positive/crystallised/dissociative/reasonable: a memory where retrieval is based on similarity or categories, affect or rationality, function or (arbitrary) form?

These are not common terms to describe memory type, but I hope ther are clear enough.

I always had a bad memory (working and episodic) and meds have improved it.

My memory is very much associative/negative/affectual: I group memories based on how they make me feel (functional).

I have bad short term and long term memory. Your descriptions of memory are very thought invoking. my memories are photographic and sometimes I don't know if they are real or from a photograph, especially childhood memories. This would be dissociative. I have forgotten many traumatic memories as well. I forget appointments, keys, directions; sometimes wind up in the wrong city while driving. i forget that I landed on my sisters doorstep with two black eyes 10 years ago due to an abusive husband. My memory is selective and sparse.

I have ADHD. My working memory sucks. I even did a neuropsych eval and the psychologist said (in a nice way) that it sucks. When I'm depressed, it gets even worse.

My long-term memory is good, though. That seems unaffected.

It's hard to say if medication has made my working memory worse. It's already bad in the first place, and I don't think it can get much worse. lol

Sorry doctor, no comprede.

You're not getting a way with it. No matter how much finesse.
No matter how much cover-up. Sooner or later, they will figure it out.

Isn't research using members as subjects against community guidelines?

Moderators!!

I'll let you be. I know how much it means to you.

I would think it is to make sure that someone that doesn't have a mental disorder to be here just to ask questions without "giving back" or needs support. First and foremost, I am here for support and acceptance, to be able to be myself and give support, encouragement or advice (also from personal experience) where I can. I try to make this a fun place, just joking around or playing a game.

That any of that can be used to improve the way BP (and maybe other disorders or illnesses) can be treated, can only be applauded, I'd think. It's not much different from a professor that does both research and clinical work: he gives support (or one may hope so), sees some patterns in the behaviour of the people he meets and he might use anything that is useful in his research.

It's not like I do case studies or something. I personally think you should be more worried about the bad influence of the pharmaceutical companies on research, for example. I don't get any funding for any of this and it would be frankly be preposterous if I did. But much research and clinical practice is very much corrupted by these same companies. I do because I can: I found a way to combine healing myself (by being here and reading memoirs and such; as much as possible), run a business to support research and which has allowed me to actually do (mostly literature/meta-) research (so as to keep connected to my target audience).

I make software to support scientific research and that allows me to do research. My actual research is not here (and is just to test the software and help in BP/SZ research as a charitable thing), but I may share theories and test their validity. Just like many here do. You assume, you ask, you know.

I feel personally more accepted (in general, as a human being) when people share my experiences and I am interested to see which experiences we share and which not. I give you my story and if I can relate to anything anyone writes I tell more of it. I try to make people feel accepted and feel mostly accepted.

You hopefully agree such "research" is for a lofty cause. All I am doing is assuming, asking and making sure our experiences are used, not wasted.

Edit:
With these questions, the wealth of information of our shared experiences beyond well-known symptoms, I try to improve differential diagnoses, so that people get better treatment sooner: so that people with ASD or non-co-morbid, isolated, self-sustaining anxiety problems are not put on antipsychotics or mood stabilisers, don't feel, or feel less, misunderstood and people with psychotic problems/disorders are sooner identified.

I have made clear in the Psychometrics game that that was the rationale behind it and I have been completely open about the fact that I do scientific research into psychotic disorders and perception and rationality, from a psycholinguistic and broader theoretical perspective.

My soul is truly drenched in mania: my research is completely self-transcending (maybe acceptance or recognition, but nothing else). I just (have to) support it by making software, so that is the only "funding" (but the aim is knowledge that can set people free, including of course myself).

And if I ever write a book based on these shared experiences (and I will, because they consciously or subconsciously become part of my experience, together with lots of other experiences and actual scientific findings; of course without anything personal that doesn't transcend the personal) I will give you all a free copy (those who want it).

You may quote me on this (for the time being I will not divulge my name and the like, and I will probably use a pseudonym, but trust me on this).

I don't try to sell you anything. I never tell you which commercial services I provide—as in buy this, use this. I will use nothing of this for promotional purposes or anything commercial I do to support that goal: trying to set people (at the "fringes") free, by promoting acceptance, knowledge and consequently more control (or the experience of freedom of choice) of one's life.

This is very interesting. Your memory kind of transcends both types: indeed, the photographic bit would be dissociative, but the other things you mention might be more associative (or just impaired dissociative) or maybe just a (slightly) impaired working memory (which I think is related, but can also just be clouded by anxiety).

Also the trauma/anxiety aspect is very interesting. But for me, mildly traumatic experiences from my childhood are really much like the protographic type you describe (that it was rather mild may be the reason).

I also remember not just as a photograph but as a film I can play and rewind in memory, from a few times I was extremely manic/psychotic. Many other things I've done while manic are completely gone (luckily, in many cases).

All other episodic memory is really impaired (I remember very little from childhood, adolescence or even just what I ate yesterday or the day before).

Since this thread has gone astray with discussion (which is unfortunate for those who replied: I am sorry for my part and just ignore it): if I ever were to submit a research article detailing a psychometric instrument, anyone of you may be listed a co-author, if anyone wishes. You may even use it commercially (obviously not selling licenses since it will be free for all to use) in any way: I'd applaud you!

But questions about my motives aside (those questions were perfectly legitimate/justified): I am honestly curious to know if you share my suspicion that memory is somewhat impaired or different for the likes of us or just your story or short answer to the question of memory: is yours as bad and/or similar to mine, as far as you can tell (maybe you forgot )?

Suspicions confirmed. Phillin, you really should be more careful. Anyways, I know who you are and what you're pulling. Stalking is a crime.

Interesting! Do you use any psychostimulants/meds for your ADHD (I can't see your signature right now)? Do you think they help your working memory, in that you have a more stable set of ideas/memories, more focus?

Anxiolytics/antidepressants might be detrimental a bit, I think: it makes you "float" a bit more, changing your thoughts/memory (but your experience might differ).

Considering your longterm memory, do you think you have easier access to negative/unwelcome/pessimistic thoughts/memories while depressed and likewise for mania (so easier/only access to optimistic memories)?

My working memory was also tested and mine was really bad, too. Antipsychotics have helped most to improve it, I think. But definitely also my general(ly) (improved) stability: it is less windy and floaty in my mind, so my clearly primarily affect-driven memory is more stable so that I can keep track of memories/thoughts/ideas.

I don't have ADHD, so I manage with coffee and (to stabilise more) nicotine/cigarettes.

Supplements have really helped with the residual "floating". I really need them.

My memory is also generally more impaired when depressed, which is (of course) very typical. I blame it on a lack of emotional "sight": emotional blindness in a affect-driven mind. Things have to take the slower, underdeveloped (memory-access-wise) rational route.

It could very well not help for me to say this, but I have no idea what you mean. Just so you know.

I'm sorry to Prillin. That was uncalled for.

No, I don't take any psychostimulants. My pdoc won't prescribe them. He insists they'll make me "manic", so he won't even let me try them. That's partly why I'm looking for a new pdoc... I mean, my poor concentration, attention, and working memory have been hurting me at work, and my pdoc should be helping me instead of ignoring me.

And yes, I do have easier access to negative thoughts when I'm in a negative (i.e., depressed) mood. I think that's fairly normal, though. Likewise, being in a good mood brings back "good" thoughts.

I don't try to self medicate with caffeine or cigarettes. Caffeine makes me tired for some reason, and sleeping pills make me more awake. Never tried cigarettes.

What actually works well is Sudafed... but that's not a surprise. People make meth with that stuff. It's a huge stimulant.

Nicotine just works for stabilising, not focusing (directly). If he really doesn't want to prescribe you stimulants than finding another might indeed be best (but have you tried "threatening" to leave?).

Interesting observation about negative memories/thoughts with depression, optimistic when manic. Yes it is very common (if not essential to) people that have depression and/or mania (and something in between maybe).

However, this could mean two things: that's just how everyone's memory works or because our memory works like that we get depressed and/or manic. I firmly believe in the latter: (methods of) memory (access) is what determines whether someone is likely to develop BP, unipolar depression or SZ (or SZA).

What's more, I firmly believe the type of memory (as I described in the first post) is determined by the degree of memory performance/capacity: (bad) memory predisposes for a memory type which predisposes for a psychotic disorder (or ASD, in the other extreme case: different type and performance/capacity).

I believe not just our thoughts but our entire perception is equally shaped by our memory: a "bad" memory causes "bad" perception.

When I say performance, I mean the access method: more controlled access or less. However, I firmly believe the speed of access is higher with "bad" (our type of) memory.

That explains the speed with which we think and perceive during both stability and (more so during) mania. Only during mania (which in this context includes hypomania) our body can't keep up with our mind (and in case of true mania, rationality can't keep up with perception either): we (stumble and) fall and need to recharge, losing access to our emotions and to much of our affect-driven mind, thereby blinding us, clouding and filling our minds with the low-level anxiety of the charge.

Edit:
Bad memory (access) is most likely primarily caused by genetically determined (brain; different types and combinations of) toxicity and can be made worse by anxiety and substance abuse, resulting in the three main forms of psychotic disorder (six when distinguishing between severe and moderate, genetically determined, toxicity: prodromes early on or later in life and mutatis mutandis, onset).

Sorry, folks, we're closing this thread for administrative review.