[wildflowerchild25]

Anyone ever just want to bang your head against the wall to get your thoughts out? I've been having a lot of thoughts in the last week. Mainly when I have some down time, particularly as I'm trying to sleep. It's bad tonight.

This might be triggering to some - just be aware.

Possible trigger:

Basically I keep being transported to the day my husband died. I keep picturing him laying there on the floor and me realizing he was not breathing. I ran back to my room to get my phone to call 911 and realized it was 4:17am. I knew then that he was dead. I knew he had been laying there for God know how long and I knew the brain can only survive for a few minutes without oxygen. And I remember the police getting there and going upstairs. And then coming back down immediately. And I knew. But I had to say. Why are you down here? Is he dead? And the officer just said yes, he's dead. And I screamed on the phone to my mom He's dead, he's dead! And I fell on the ground and screamed and screamed. Thank god I was outside and I didn't wake my so. Up. Thank god he didn't wake up for any of it, not until they took my husband out of the apartment.

And everyone came over and everyone cried and I was just numb. The call came from the medical examiner saying they found cocaine and opiates I his system and I just screamed son of a ***** and threw my phone across the room. I pushed past everyone and ran into my room and collapsed on the floor. And cried. Because I couldn't save him from himself.

I've been feeling a lot of guilt lately because I was so selfish. I was struggling through moderate depression and I hadn't realized he was so upset. I should have known. I should have been more understanding.

I've never written about or discussed that night. This is the first time I'm writing about it. I feel like I need to get it out of me. I stopped seeing my therapist bc she's not in network with my new insurance but she said she would see me on a self pay basis as often as I wanted to until I get new insurance in September. It's going to be expensive but I think I'm going to make an appointment. I'll have to pay a lot. I don't have much money left for the summer. I don't get paid from my summer job until July 29, and then it's only for five days. Not much money. But I feel like I need to talk about this. I've been having upsetting dreams for the past few nights. One where my husband was alive again even though I knew he was dead in the dream - those suck because I wake up and realize it's not real and I really can't talk to him or get hugs from him or whatever else was going on in the dream. They **** me up for the whole day. I had one where I was forced IP and spent the dream running from the cops. Last night I had one that it was my husband's funeral and I couldn't get there for a variety of reasons. I was crying hysterically the whole dream.

Ugh. I'm not in an episode. It just seems like some trauma stuff is coming up right now. In the morning I want to go back to sleep and stay in bed all day. It's a good thing I have a summer job that I like because I get out of bed and go about my day and end up feeling better by the time I go home.

I hope no one was too bothered by this. I just needed to write about it.

[bizi]

WOW
Thank you for sharing your story here with us. I hope you do feel some relief.
It must have been really hard to write this out. (((((HUGS)))))
I am glad that you will be seeing a therapist to help you cope with your loss.
You are still grieving.
Tell us more about him if you are feeling strong enough.
Be kind to yourself.
bizi

My heart is breaking for you. That is all so terribly sad and I'm sorry you are reliving things so vividly right now. That must be horrible for you. (((Hugs))) I hope you will be able to see your T, as I think her support could be invaluable to you right now. It sounds like PTSD with the dreams and all. I am so very sorry you had had that happen in your life, I cannot even imagine how difficult it much be for you. You sound very strong!

[Nammu]

(((((((((((((Wildflower)))))))))))

[OctobersBlackRose]

(((Hugs)))

[Victoria'smom]

[Wander]

I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must be for you to have to relive this over and over again. It does sound like PTSD. You are processing the trauma and hopefully in doing so you can heal somewhat. Still, you can get bogged down by it all so seeing your T may be a good idea if at all possible. Do all you can to be kind and gentle with yourself and keep posting here as much as you need or want to. We are here for you. I am so sorry for your loss. It feels so inadequate a response but I really care. Sending love and hugs.

[Wild Coyote]

(((((( Wildflower and son ))))))

Continued Healing, Inner Peace

You describe a very traumatic event. You will need more time to heal, to grieve.

Love and Support,
WC

[hopeless2015]

HUGS! I'm so sorry for what you've been through

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk

[Trippin2.0]

((((((((((WFC))))))))))

[beigeish]

Glad you are going to see your therapist to help work through your emotions; I can't imagine the pain you're going through. You're so strong to face what you're going through. Hugs to you!!

[Unrigged64072835]

So sorry that you're going through the trauma. Lots of hugs to you and your son. I do hope the therapy helps.

I really think there's some PTSD related stuff in there. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I hope therapy helps you work through some of it.

That is seriously rough stuff to deal with. I'm sorry your dreams are doing this, wildflowerchild. Repetitive nightmares are awful.

I hope the therapist can help.

Please don't worry about posting. You are distressed, and that is why we're here.

(This post isn't adequately expressing my feelings -- they are much deeper than it comes off. Many apologies. Brain's pretty foggy today.)

[BeyondtheRainbow]

How are you today? I have felt so sad for you; I cannot imagine what you have been through. I am glad you are going to see your therapist. Sometimes things just can't wait until September.

[wildflowerchild25]

Thanks for the support, everyone. I'm doing better today. Went to sleep about midnight. Didn't have any disturbing dreams - well something about a hamster that I got stuck with and didn't want so I set it free and felt really guilty (I know weird right!!) - and I had a good day at work today. Didn't contact my therapist yet but I will on Monday. Thanks for everyone's hugs and thanks for letting me talk!

[bizi]

Thank you for checking in and I am glad that you are feeling better.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Wow, i didn't know that the person i've been chatting with over on the dieting thread was the one who lost her husband recently. So sorry to hear it. I hope you'll have lots of self-compassion for yourself. I read that things didn't go too well for you in dieting yesterday and that today you face some obstacles again but it's a life-long project -- it's okay to have wobbles sometimes. I'm sure you'll get back to it with renewed vigor!

[BipolaRNurse]

From one grieving widow to another: Hugs, hugs, and more hugs!!

[Baughmanly]

Hi everyone,
I'm new here. I saw this message and have to respond. My husband passed away January 2016. He was diagnosed with cancer in September 2015. The illness and shock was a nightmare. I too have dreams of my husband similar to yours. He's alive but dead or he's alive and going to die or he is weak and sick. You feel haunted by these dreams the next day. I still find it hard to believe he's gone. He was in hospice and they offer bereavement counselors and groups. Every week I tell myself I should go, but I don't. He was only 56. It's very weird to live alone after being with someone for 35 years.