the one undeniable trait of bp

other than depression I have always had doubts of my bp traits ... pdoc's see it ... T see's it ... mentally I get it ... but on some gut level I keep fighting it ... but there is one trait I can not deny ... mainly because I keep doing it ... cut meds back and stopped one ... ended up going over the edge (again) so going back up ... there is just something in my dna that just will not let me leave them alone ...
maybe it is a doubt I need them ... maybe it is I think I know better than pdoc ... maybe a need to have control ...
all I know it is the hardest part of my (treatment) to maintain ...
of course I know I am the only one who does this ....

May I speak freely?

I'm my own medical team. They prescribe, they dispense, I decide.

I too often doubt my traits or symptoms. I'm usually either flat down depressed or hypo, but I can only recall one time I was full blown manic and that was long before meds. I also have BPD so I often think drs are just confusing my symptoms. And then there's years I self medicated so if I was having any symptoms then, they were drowned out by the 20 drinks per day lol.

As far as meds go, I've just recently had it drilled into me by pdoc how important med compliance is. And because of my lack of care and tendencies to decrease, increase, or stop meds altogether, I think doc has lost my trust which is a huge deal. Now I fear I won't be taken seriously in the future and that all suggestions by me will be dismissed. But I did this to myself. So yea it's important you trust your medical team and take meds as they are given. I'm just now getting stable again after playing around with doses ect.

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It's pretty common to want to stop meds and be on and off of them. You're not alone. I'm sure many of us have done it at some point. You're only human and you're still trying. And you've been much better recently, keep it up!

Stop questioning if you are bipolar!!! We have all been down that road and it leads to a bad place. Stay on your meds.

I've heard that patients with bipolar are often frustrating for pdocs because it is so hard to keep us on our meds. Haha. My pdoc gets frustrated with me all the time because just about every time I'm hypo I decide I don't need meds any more and then it ****s me up when I get depressed again.

Yep. Me too.
Had a massive Episode that landed me in hospital last year,going off Meds.

It is a Bipolar trait. I don't know anyone who's on high blood pressure Meds, or Parkinson's that messes with doses or try's to go off Meds.

Just us!

I'm on Meds for now, but dream everyday that something like accupunture would allow me to go off Meds.

Most probably not! ;-(.

In your case, or for anyone doubting their diagnosis, I'd say testing their efficacy by not taking them is common. I have some of that. But for me, it's also just science.

Primarily for me, it's twofold: looking for challenging and clear-cut situations, with a root cause and clear problems to fix, and "accentuating" a (somewhat valid, somewhat invalid) reason for other problems I have when stable.

I think we all do it for those three reasons, but to different extents.

I was going to quit meds last week but a nice friend of me told me he didn't think it might be a good idea and reminded me what happened, I either wind up in the psyche ward or eventually self medicate with liquor and painkillers and crack

Yeah, it's pretty common to question your diagnosis. I've done that several times. Still do.

A few weeks ago, I was questioning whether or not I actually got depression, or if it was all in my head. Now I'm currently depressed, so I know it's not in my head. But I'm sure I'll question the depression piece again. I seem to question it when I'm not depressed, but then I end up depressed and I'm reminded that it's not in my head. Rinse and repeat!

It looks like you might have racing thoughts - of course it is hard to tell from reading! I've read that withdrawal from medicine can make things worse so I'd make sure to follow your doc's recommendations for how to wean off of them. If you've gone off them before and it has lead to you going over the edge then maybe that means you need them. I also want to come off my meds and am constantly questioning whether I have this or not. Sending lots of hugs and support!

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So so true...I actually just quit taking one of my meds and it did send me swirling around into utter incompetence, substance abuse, and suicidal thoughts that almost had me checking myself into the hospital. It's been a week off of it, so I feel like I am getting on my feet today, maybe I won't drink myself stupid tonight. Glad to hear I am not alone.

I also question my diagnosis at times even though in my heart I know
it is correct.
I often talk about stopping my meds and my GF shakes her head no. LOL

I stopped taking one of my meds and feel awesome!

Anyway wire, I question my diagnosis all of the time. If you feel bad off meds you should maybe stay on them.

Hugs.

Let's see, not trusting medical professionals? Healthy or not?
My mom was dying of colon cancer. Doctors sent her away saying it was stress. Due to the tumor blocking her bowel, she was rushed to the ER where they found it just in time.

My son developed a serious life threatening illness and they decided to put him on a combo of meds with a tract record for lymphoma. I declined. Later the doctor agreed after reading more medical literature and cut one of the meds from the "safe" list

My mom kept going to the doctors for "nerves". She said she felt like she was going to be a completely different person when she woke up. She was terrified. Doctor gave her Ativan and sent her to see a guy to make sure she wasn't abusing the meds or "drug seeking". She was going nuts. Turned out her colesterol was freaking 1200 and had been for over a year without the doctors caring to call, tell or help. Then thry found she had Graves' disease so killed her thyroid and her sanity returned.

Trusting doctors??? Maybe a healthy skepticism is needed. I'm FAR beyond healthy skepticism though.

If the pills help and cause greater quality of life, keep taking them if it feels right. If it doesn't, talk it over with doctors. I'm hoping there is something that can be done.

I need to have this tatooed on my chest .... I am so self destructive ... but only when things are going good ....

Are we twins?!!??

I (historically) mess with my meds non-stop. Like, I can't stop lol. I think it's partly a control thing. It's partly a stigma against psych dx, and fighting that. And other factors.

I do the 'i don't have bipolar" thing all the time. Until I'm at either spectrum and, at least for a little while, am aware meds are not optional for the time being.

My MD got frustrated with me one (of the many) times I told him I didn't have bipolar. He read the DSM to me, word for word. "If that's a description of you then I don't know what is (and PS I've known you for 5 years, most of which I knew you professionally, not as a patient)" And I still sometimes think "I'm not bipolar, I don't need meds". I have "inflammation". I have 'low vitamins'. Or whatever else I can come up with.

I ask my doctor most visits if we can taper things down...usually i get "let's see how the next six months go". And then the same at six months.

It's nice to know there's someone else that goes through some of the same or similar things. Good luck to you. And, take your meds....I know, I know...and I'll do the same.

And PS, I 'just' might have things in the sweet spot now (I say that all the time though!, as you probably do too). I got off base a few weeks ago, missed some meds a couple times, was doing awful at work, wasn't thinking clearly, etc. I did my normal tweaking, and it helped somewhat. Then last week I saw doctor, talked to a psych RN friend, and made a plan I'm actually sticking with right now. (Since Friday albeit). But I've had the two best days of work this week that I've had since I started my new job March 1st. So maybe, I've got things right and if I don't mess with things, maybe this might work longer term.

Good luck

I swear, I don't know how many more people have to say it before I start believing it. I've had no fewer than three different mental health professionals diagnose me with bipolar 1, and yet I still question it. I liked it better when I was considered BP NOS, but like fishin fool, I know the truth. Glad I'm not the only one who does this even years after the original dx.

I push my limits with self-medication but luckily I stop before turning psychotic.

Be careful.