[Blaire]

It's not a good idea, turns out. I've been rapid cycling, and the past couple days I've been better but still sensitive. I should have probably canceled my scheduled EMDR session today, but I went anyway because it's hard to get those appointments. They're booked way out. I did tell the psychologist I've been struggling with my bipolar disorder lately, but we went ahead with the session anyway.

It was pretty brutal. We got way into my trauma to the point where I started to shake and cry, and then I just completely shut down. Emotions clicked off, brain stopped thinking, everything just shut down.

Now, a few hours later, I'm feeling increasingly depressed and angry. I'm worried about where my mood is going, and I feel like I should have known better than to go in there when I'm unstable. But anyway, I'm just trying to take it easy tonight.

[UpDownMiddleGround]

Boy have I been there! (((Blaire))) There have been a few times when I have had to go in for a second appointment in order to finish processing. Fortunately, my T is usually able to get me in within about three days in an emergency. I have used the BDSR player app on my ipad to get some additional bilateral stimulation in the past. Usually, I don't watch it, I just turn off all of the lights, lie in my bed an listen. Progressive muscle relaxation is helpful as well (youtube). Hope you get some relief soon.

[pattijane]

Originally Posted by Blaire

It's not a good idea, turns out. I've been rapid cycling, and the past couple days I've been better but still sensitive. I should have probably canceled my scheduled EMDR session today, but I went anyway because it's hard to get those appointments. They're booked way out. I did tell the psychologist I've been struggling with my bipolar disorder lately, but we went ahead with the session anyway.

It was pretty brutal. We got way into my trauma to the point where I started to shake and cry, and then I just completely shut down. Emotions clicked off, brain stopped thinking, everything just shut down.

Now, a few hours later, I'm feeling increasingly depressed and angry. I'm worried about where my mood is going, and I feel like I should have known better than to go in there when I'm unstable. But anyway, I'm just trying to take it easy tonight.

Sounds like you need more time in the preparation phase (Phase 2)! YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF EMDR THERAPY!!! So make sure you and your T spend lots of time in one of the initial EMDR therapy phases (Phase 2) which involves preparing for memory processing or desensitization (memory processing or desensitization - phases 3-6 - is often what is referred to as "EMDR" which is actually an 8-phase method of psychotherapy). In this phase resources are "front-loaded" so that you have a "floor" or "container" to help with processing the really hard stuff, as well as creating strategies if you're triggered in everyday life. In Phase 2 you learn a lot of great coping strategies and self-soothing techniques which you can use during EMDR processing or anytime you feel the need.

In phase 2 you learn how to access a “Safe or Calm Place” which you can use at ANY TIME during EMDR processing (or on your own) if it feels scary, or too emotional, too intense. One of the key assets of EMDR therapy is that YOU, the client, are in control NOW, even though you weren’t in the past, during traumatic events, or whatever disturbance(s) on which you’re working. You NEVER need re-live an experience or go into great detail, ever! You NEVER need to go through the entire memory. YOU can decide to keep the lights (or the alternating sounds and/or tactile pulsars, or the waving hand, or any method of bilateral stimulation that feels okay to you) going, or stop them, whichever helps titrate – measure and adjust the balance or “dose“ of the processing. During EMDR processing there are regular “breaks” and you can control when and how many but the therapist should be stopping the bilateral stimulation every 25-50 passes of the lights to ask you to take a deep breath and say just a bit of what you’re noticing, anything different, any changes. (The stimulation should not be kept on continuously, because there are specific procedures that need to be followed to process the memory). The breaks help keep a “foot in the present” while you’re processing the past. Again, and I can’t say this enough, YOU ARE IN CHARGE so YOU can make the process tolerable. And your therapist should be experienced in the EMDR therapy techniques that help make it the gentlest and safest way to detoxify bad life experiences and build resources.

[Blaire]

Okay, apparently this psychologist isn't doing a very good job then. She didn't prepare me at all. She literally handed me the pulsars the first day without even explaining it. I was referred to her by another psychologist in my HMO, so she must have figured he had prepped me. I don't know, I really wasn't ready prepared for yesterday. Today I feel like I'm in a different dimension. I feel this way whenever my PTSD gets triggered, and it's a dangerous state for me. Kinda mixed episode like. Thank you so much for all of the info!

[UpDownMiddleGround]

Thanks Pattijane. I didn't pick up on the fact that there wasn't any preparation or that it was the first time. I will say that the first time I went in I was in the middle of an episode an a mess. We kind of jumped in there. I vaguely remember my T explaining EMDR but I was pretty dissociated throughout my first sessions. I know we didn't go into the detail that is listed above (the levels, etc.)

We created a safe place and talked about self soothing techniques, etc. I am always asked if it is ok with me before we start EMDR and I am always in control of how far we go. I can't imagine trying to process without that foundational stuff.

I am a believer in EMDR. It truly has helped me. It has to be done the right way! It is hard work and my experience is that it takes a while for everything to kind of work itself through. In other words. I don't ever think I have left a session and I didn't think back through what we processed in the session. At the same time, if the things that I do to kind of help myself work though it don't work, I go back in.

Going back to your point about mania. I have found that I have been more susceptible to an episode while manic. Usually that lands me in my Ts office -- sometimes a couple of times. So I don't know what causes what --mania triggering an episode or an episode triggering mania -- I just know it is not pleasant.

My heart goes out to you if your psychologist has opened a door that he/she is not available to help you close. That's not cool at all.

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[Victoria'smom]

I personally think you need to be stable before working on trauma.

[UpDownMiddleGround]

I agree if you are intentionally setting up appointments to work on it. However, if you are unstable and in the middle of an episode, you have no choice but to work through it.

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