Questions: Bipolar version

Earth shattering sudden depression when I was 14. It lasted about 6months and from that point I cycled about every 6 months. When I think back to being so young and repeatedly so unwell I feel very sad that no one intervened and lucky (and surprised) that I survived.

Do you feel overall that you have become more unwell over time?

Violent porn addiction

I do. Fewer periods of stability. More issues resulting from illness.

Do you drink/use drugs?


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Nope.

Would you use medical marijuana if your provider offered to prescribe it?

Mania. If there was hypomania preceding it, it escalated into fully blown mania with psychosis rapidly.

What bipolar med works the best for you/your favorite?

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Clozaril and Emsam.

If your dr. offered to prescribe medical marijuana would you take it?

Sure would. I live in a state where pot is legal, and it is super helpful for sleep. For me anyway.

What's typically your first sign that mania or hypo is on its way

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Sleeping less than 4 hours a night.

When you feel annoyed about a situation, do you immediately open communication to discuss it? Or do you wonder if it's just you "being bipolar" and internalize your concern/not mention it?

I always check in with myself instead of addressing it. If it haunts me I address it with the person.

If you could be any famous person for just one day, who would you pick?

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Jensen Ackles because I want to play Dean f***** Winchester

What did you want to be when you grow up? What did you actually end up doing?

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I wanted to be a therapist or an actress. Lololololololololol

I'm a stylist.

Who of your parents was a bigger role model to you

Neither. I was raised by abusers.

Do you find exercise boosts your mood?

Kind of.

If I'm having symptoms, I'm always mixed. A year ago I started tracking agitation (manic) and mood (depressive) symptoms separately. That way I can keep tabs on if I'm more hypomanic or more depressed. Most people don't distinguish between the two, but it's a significant difference for me in regards to your question. I don't know if you were asking specifically about mood (happiness/sadness) or other things.

Exercise doesn't boost my mood, but it gives me more energy (agitation side). I don't feel happier after exercise, but it is easier to move around and feel calm.

Do you feel hope about your life in the future?

not really, no

life?

what is life

do you have a goal for 2016?

I have three:
To go a month with clear stability

To get a grip on my drinking problem(I've never shared that I think I have a drinking problem)

To shed enough weight to show off how hard I work at the gym. ( you can totally be chubby while being super fit. Weight loss is 80% eating. Abs are built in the kitchen)

When is the last time you felt truly, calmly happy?

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those are some good goals. good luck with them

i'm not sure to the answer to your question.. not for a long time

what would be the first thing you would do if you suddenly discovered you didn't have bipolar anymore?

I would re-register for school and finish my degree as fast as I could.

Do you push yourself when depressed to do more than you feel you can?

no.

(rather i feel guilty my day is just being wasted)

when was the last time you just sat down and cried?

Yesterday in my car.

Are you open about being bipolar?

yes.

i don't see any point hiding it- their's enough mental health stigma as it is

how long before you were diagnosed bipolar did you suspect something was wrong? (or did you ever think something was wrong)

Starting at 16/17. I dove into lots of behaviors that were uncharacteristic of me. It took me years to figure out why i was surprised by these things. At eighteen I started writing in my journals about my emotional instability. Every third entry I would write some variation of, " maybe I'm bipolar". My mom recently gave me a box of old journals. Sooo good for reflection. Also painful.

What feeds you spiritually?(religion,nature,etc)

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i was once told that each of us have an angel watching over us, and they know always when we need them.

i actually held on to that, and used to have a blue angel i'd put by my bed for reasons i believe it was actually a guardian angel

i also believe in a better place after we die (another world), so we're not all doomed

also Tarot card readings.

i know a few people that do it, and they are actually usually pretty good and pretty reliable- at least in my experience

when was your last hospital stay, and how long were you in their for?

Lucky never to have been hospitalized due to BP but mostly because I was alone so there was no one to make me.

Think of something positive to say about yourself. What is it?

shattered_sanity, my last hospital stay was spring 2015 and was 10 days.

Rebound, my positive thing about myself today is that even though I woke up feeling low, I got myself out of the house and to playgroup to talk to the other moms.

What do you worry about most regarding your next episode?

Being hospitalized and losing my new job

What was your worst episode

Depression at 19. 2 suicide attempts in 4 months.

What has been the biggest hurdle in treating your bp?

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