[Blaire]

I am super overwhelmed at work right now. I’m essentially doing three jobs, and it’s incredibly stressful. I’m trying to work on taking better care of myself, but I’m beginning to completely malfunction and fall back into a familiar self-destructive process:

I always do this - when I have too much work coming in, instead of setting good boundaries and asking for help, I do the opposite. I begin to feel overwhelmed, then I feel resentful and put upon, then I wonder if I’m justified in feeling that way or if the work only seems hard because I’m a crappy worker, then I look for things to validate my resentment, so instead of turning work away, I invite more. I look for more. I pull all the files out of my drawers and stack them on my desk so I’ll look even busier. I’ll act like a victim so people will think it’s unfair and feel sorry for me. They’ll say “I’ll stop sending you work for a while,” but once I’m in that mindset, I don’t want them to lighten the workload. I want more work so I’ll get more sympathy. Then I’ll get angry because that attention and pity doesn’t actually make anything better, and at that point I’m even more overwhelmed and now I’m also pathetic and angry, and I hate myself for being so dysfunctional. At that point I’m usually in a mixed state and am not perceiving my situation correctly.

That’s kinda where I’m at right now, though with my Seroquel higher than before, I feel like it’s less extreme this time, and I have better insight.

Hi,

You sound like you are under so much stress, I hope you get a breather sometime soon. Don't burn out, I imagine it's hard with the pressure. I understand self-destructing mechanisms for coping. I relate.

I thought about your situation - make a radical change. ONE file on your desk at a time. Just one. When you finish that file, send it on its way/off your desk. Then put a new file on your desk.

More files given to you? Take a few calming breaths and put them somewhere else than your desk.

One file, one thing at a time, my friend. Give it a shot and update us on how you are doing. You're in control, you've got this!

[BastetsMuse]

Perhaps you should have a conversation with your pdoc about this. Maybe you need to adjust your Seroquel, since it's helping a bit with your symptoms.

[dietwater]

OP - I kind of get that. In a mixed state I find that I invite extra work, unnecessary and detrimental to mental health, but necessary in that it holds off the depression in a sick sort of way.

I don't know your financial situation, but it is extremely important to cut out as much stress as you can. Try the one file thing. Or, if you're more comfortable in chaos, keep it crazy but be in control of the crazy. I understand that mindset (I think), and I hope you work through it. Sounds like medications can help.

[pirilin]

Work is like money. The more you have, the more you want to have.
Last biz I was running, I looked for more lines, spreaded too thin. Was on the phone with China all night. A one man band. I was happy (I thought) because I could do it all.
Until the wall came tombling down. Then I had no wish to go on. Lost my drive forever.
Went thru the motions until one day I was facing a judge in bankruptcy court.
This is an extreme, like all I do, but it can serve you as a free lesson.

[TishaBuv]

This question might seem unusual but--

Do you get paid for time or for productivity?

My point is you can only do so much work during the time you are working. So why move fast?

[Onward2wards]

Hi ((( Blaire))). I thought I was the only one who did that! "Wow I'm stressed, I know ... let's make more stress!" If I found myself in a sinking canoe I'd probably start putting more water into it because "what the heck! It's not going to get better and it's just expected anyway." I swear enough stress turns me into some kind of overcompensating masochist.

I'm not bipolar (afaik) but I do have some totally silly compensating mechanisms. I call it "squirrelthink" ... oh noes, a car! Run over here ... agghhh a human walking a big dog, let's run over there ... oh no, another car!!

[Blaire]

Yep, "squirrelthink," I totally do that! I always find a way to sabotage myself. I'm learning that I have a choice about that, but my perception changes so dramatically that I don't always see my situation that clearly.

Financially, there's no reason for me to work like this. I work hourly, 8-5, with no overtime. I'm not salaried or anything. I get paid the same no matter how hard I work. I also work for the government and have seniority, so it's basically impossible to get fired. They don't give bonuses, and I long ago maxed out my job class pay range, so I can't get a raise. So there's really no actual benefit to this behavior.

It's totally realistic to work one file at a time. That is the best way to approach it, so long as I can put the others out of my mind for a while (which is hard, I'm constantly thinking about 10 things at once). As I'm filling three jobs, I have three cubicles. I could put the work in the other two and just do my work from the third.

I will try to focus on one thing at a time. It's hard because when I have so much to do, I feel like I have to keep track of it all in my head, which invites racing thoughts, and next thing I know my mind is going in a thousand different directions, and I lose insight, and I lose my grip on all of the coping strategies I planned to use.

It's Saturday morning, and I'm fighting the urge to go into work. I'll actually get in trouble if I get caught working unauthorized overtime, but my mind refuses to let go of the idea. I could get so much work done! Especially with the office empty, fewer distractions, it would be perfect!

What I need to do is just let it be Saturday and focus on my home life right now. Why is that so hard?

You need to find a way to stop this pattern. You can tell it's not working. If you are in a mixed state, it's no wonder you're confused about not wanting so much work/ and give me MORE. Sounds like a mixed way to feel. Talk with your doctor if you can. Maybe lookup some grounding techniques. Tell your boss you are feeling sick and need help with your workload right away. Good luck and hugs.

That's great you can try one thing at a time. Just give it a shot. I used to be a staff attorney for the government and I understand the massive workload.

I thought of an additional strategy to use with one file on your desk:

Have a notepad nearby and write three files names down. One of the names should be the one file on your desk. When you finish the file, cross it off the list. Then add a new file name so you will again have three files on the list.
Limit yourself to only three on the list and try that system.

It might help because it will allow you to keep moving forward but maintaining "one file focus."

I loved working at that staff attorney job. It was at a courthouse. I was helping twenty judges! So I had tons of files lol

It was exhilarating but it was hard to balance because everyone wanted their cases priority, of course. I often brought files home on the weekend but I earned extra vacation time so that was good.

Let us know how it goes on Monday. Try and relax this weekend!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Blaire]

I'm a paralegal for the government and also work at a courthouse! It's a very intense job most of the time. Hard to prioritize when everybody wants their stuff NOW. I know I have to break this pattern. I suffer so much more than the people who want their work done. But I also love the feeling when someone tells me I've done a great job and it's clear I worked very hard. Those whirlwinds of work are definitely exhilarating, especially when I'm hypo and everything feels intense