[1278]

That I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago, before I was diagnosed as bipolar. That person is dead, she's gone. No amount of medication is going to bring her back, whenever I was overly nice or happy it was because I was obviously hypomanic and it didn't last for very long because my baseline 'seems' to be moderately depressed. A good day for me is not having a suicidal thought the whole day, and the fact that I haven't been in hospital for 4 months is a miracle for me because I am really, really unstable, and I have been for 2 years. I honestly don't know what to say anymore, they obviously miss that person, I miss her too, but I can't go back to who I was before, I can't change the experiences I've had or the **** I've gone through.

[pirilin]

NEVER say never.
I was in the deepest depression of my lfe, as you must remember,
and nobody told me it will go away. I had to ask.
I can't believe how good I feel now, after ten months of pure hell.
You're young, intelligent, funny and not too ugly I presume.
It will go away. When? only God knows. But IT WILL GO AWAY.

I completely understand what you are saying. Episodes change us. I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. My baseline is mildly depressed as well.

Instead of being who we were, we need to focus on being who we are and getting help when we need it.

I'm so sorry you feel so horrible and unstable. I wish I had some advise and suggestions but all I've got is sympathy and understanding. I hope you feel better soon. (((Hugs)))

[Coconutzo]

I feel what you are saying so deeply. It's amazing how much illness can change you.
There is another side though.

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[Daonnachd]

Thank you for saying what I felt, but could not give voice to explicitly. 1278, I'm right beside you.

I am not the same person I was, but it's good to be reminded that "episodes change us". Coco is right, it _is_ amazing how much illness can change us.

[Anxiousvalkyrie]

So sorry you're going through this and feeling so badly. I can totally relate. I hope you know you're not alone.

My family treats me much differently now, like I'm some fragile doll that's going to break. I know they also wish I'd be the girl I was many years ago but I just don't feel like I ever will be. But I try to have hope. I'm early in my treatment as I just got diagnosed is past spring, so I have to hold on to a thread of hope that maybe I can be her again. I hope thst you can find some hope too.

[1278]

Thank you everyone, for the kind words, support and advice. One of the reasons I'm so grateful for this forum is that it reminds me I'm never alone in what I'm going through, but it also gives me hope that things can change for the future

[OctobersBlackRose]

I'm not the same person I was in 2011 before my first major episode either, and trying to.get my Mom to understand that is hard. So I totally feel what you're saying, we change, that's it, and whether or not we can change back really depends on the person and how the illness manifests itself in my opinion, if that makes sense. Sending you hugs.

[Wander]

Totally understand where you are coming from. This is my experience too and it can be heartbreaking. For me I am trying to find a place of self acceptance so I can be at peace with who I am now. I wish you peace too.