Bipolar and Difficulties in Relationships

Does anyone else here struggle with finding healthy relationships as a result of Bipolar? I tend to gravitate towards people with a lot of their own issues (A LOT), and they are drawn to me, since we can relate. Then, I tend to invest in them too soon and make risky, impulsive decisions, like spending too much money on us doing things, making too many plans and commitments with the wrong people. I guess that's what happens in hypomania. When I finally "wake up" I feel trapped and overwhelmed, but too attached to just let the relationship slip away.

Plus, I end up feeling used or unworthy, but somehow I still hold on and make excuses for the person's lack of effort or inability to be emotionally available to me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I wish I could break this cycle! I hope this makes sense...I'm rambling. Any advice on taking care of yourself in relationships or if you can relate, I'd appreciate any feedback or thoughts. Thanks!

I too struggle with this, though in a different way than you I suppose. I don't fall in love easily, but when I do it's very much like hypomania (I suppose falling in love is pretty similar to hypomania for "normal" people too). However, afterwards I find it hard to commit and build on a stable, loving relationship. I'm inclined to doubt and criticize my partner (mostly internally, since I know it to be unfair).

I too am drawn to people with their own issues, without consciously seeking them out. All women I had serious relationships with had some formal diagnosis at some point, and quite a few of the not-serious as well. I know I would probably be happier with someone without issues, but I don't seem to be interested in them.

My advice would be to try and take things slowly. Don't promise too much, make clear that you want to take it slow, but at the same time make sure that you are serious in your intentions. Allow your feelings to come and go without attaching too much importance and actions to them. Allow for time and initiatives on your own. Practice mindfulness if it helps you.

Good luck!

I am right there with you. I feel like I could have written your post myself.

I'm working on this with t right now but at my last appointment I told her how I'm upset that I have no healthy relationships of any kind. Not even friends. And relationships with my family members are up and down.

I don't have any advice for you since I'm in the same predicament but I can commiserate!

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I totally have problems finding healthy friendships. I also ten to gravitate towards people with a lot of their own issues. Lots of times I end up in friendships with people who tend to be really self absorbed and pile their problems on me without offering any support to me for my problems in return. The friendships always start out great but they deteriorate quickly and I end up always being angry with them and wanting to avoid them because even if I wanted to confide in them they'd turn the conversation back to themselves within about 5 minutes of me trying to ask advice about my own issues. It's super frustrating.

I'm the barer of not-so-good news. The same way the normals attract each other, we attract other basketcases.
Nothing wrong with that. More fun.
A normal wouldn't last in a bipolar relationship.
Even if not bipolar, the other party has to have something out-of-the-ordinary to make it work.
90% of the bipolar marriages with normals fold.

I have found myself in the same situation..even with making friends. It may not even be apparent at first, and then a couple of months later I find out the new friend has some major issue, most common with my gf's has been childhood sexual abuse. I have been told I am very maternal so I guess I attract gf's who have that need for a mom figure. I have also been with '3' men who had schizoaffective disorder...and the first one wasn't diagnosed until after we broke up. my current bf has mood and anxiety issues. I often wondered 'what did my ex husband have?' he was the most normal of anyone I have known but was unable to deal with me.
I don't really have advice, just want you to know, you aren't alone.
(((HUGS)))

Thanks everyone! Just had to get that off my chest. Your responses were helpful, whether it be advice or just knowing I'm not alone.

Yes! This is exactly what happens to me too where I feel pushed aside or taken for granted. Or sometimes I'll end up doing a really big favor for the person, and even though I don't expect the same in return, sometimes they are just outright unreliable. They convince me they will be somewhere when I put aside time and even money to plan something for them, and they say they are looking forward to it (multiple times). Then, last minute, they cancel and mumble some reason that sounds like a poor excuse. Then it hurts, because I would have treated them with more respect than that. I decided I'm going to start putting my foot down.

Ditto on this one. Well, people don't understand this unless they have experienced it and vice versa. Many of my family members expect me to act as if I don't have anxiety and crippling mood swings or push me away. Do we want to share another persons mood swings? Not always advisable but we know better what the person needs in terms of calming influences. Having and being a good friend are often the answer. Thanks, friends!!!

I attract people with issues also. Something about me, makes them gravitate towards me.

Years ago, I was told that the first person I'm attracted to in a room, is probably the worst person for me. I'm attracted to disfunction because of my own early life disfunction. It's natural and comfortable for me. I think it takes a lot of work to break these patterns, but it can be done.

When I met my husband, he was not my type, but he was so sweet I decided to give it a chance. Best decision I've ever made. He's a pretty easy going and stable guy. He's really helped keep me stable and out of trouble for more than a decade. I guess what I'm saying is, if you keep meeting the same kinds of people, step out of your comfort zone a little and try talking to people you usually wouldn't.

(((Hugs)))

I'm curious to know... what are some of the criticisms partners have made of you? Has anyone suggested that you are the one who is emotionally unavailable, not making an effort, etc? I'm asking because these are things I hear from people who have had relationships with someone who has Bipolar... so it's interesting to see someone who is diagnosed with Bipolar make those same complaints about their partner.

When you "wake up", but still feel "attached", what do you think that attachment is exactly? What is your idea of being attached to someone? What's the longest close relationship you've had with someone (including friends)?

I'm sorry for all the questions (don't feel obliged to answer), just curious.

I can so relate and I blame a lot of it on my BPD and need for attention. I've always dated men who had MI, jail records, kids, baggage baggage baggage! Then I draw the relationship on longer because of my BPD and abandonment issues. I've even spent money on men to keep them interested. I'm ashamed.

Believe it or not, my current fiancé is the most normal guy I've ever dated and we have a healthy relationship. I'll admit that my BP and crazy episodes do start a few arguments but it's over in an hour. When he first met me he had no idea what he was getting into. But now that he knows, he loves and cares for me even harder.

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Wow, yes......thank you for your response. I've also dated men with jail records, MI, plus crazy ex-wives who they share children with, and I've also spent money on them (which did not end well after all of it). It's encouraging to hear that you found someone nice. I have yet to find that, but I'd like to think there's hope for me.


There have been times in past relationships where I have been emotionally unavailable, but those were the relationships where I ended up recognizing it and would break it off. However, in my last relationship, I really was putting a lot of effort into it and really opened up my heart to him. Then again, his inability to be emotionally unavailable shouldn't have been as much of a surprise to me since that person was newly separated from their marriage, and it did not end well at all for him. The relationship started out feeling really good, but in the end, he just wasn't ready. I guess I look back and see I took on the role of being the one to "help," but later, it was quite clear I couldn't sustain that since I need help myself.

The longest closest romantic relationship I had lasted eight years (with someone different than who I mentioned above). My partner ended up having a depressive episode, became very aggressive, said he fell out of love with me, then ended up in a psychiatric hospital for being suicidal. My BP on top of that, I'm sure made things a lot worst. After, he left the state and went down a very bad path. Prior to that, we had a happy relationship for most part, although my BP must have been very hard for him at times. We talk as friends here and there now after enough time has passed, but I don't want to get involved again. I have some true-blue friends since childhood. It's more the romantic type of relationships I struggle with. I'm genuinely not sure how to answer your last question as far as attachment goes....it's not a cut-and-dry answer, really. It's just the strong connection I get with someone; strong chemistry + seeing a future with them and not wanting to lose that.

My husband and I have been together for fourteen years. He's a SAINT. Truthfully. I'm a special person to live with. He really loves me. We're best friends. So, I feel we have a healthy relationship.

I did something horrible during this past episode, as in really ****ed everything up, and it almost ended things.

But instead we're separated temporarily, and he only wants me to come back once I've gotten stable.

I used to have a bad pattern of relationships. Basically I was so needy that I burned them out. The ones I had any time with were abusive. Finally I gave up and just asked a guy just to have some fun. That turned into my latest marriage. He has been with me for over five years now, through the worst of my bipolar times. He stuck with me when others would've given up, and I'm grateful for that.

Thank you for taking the time to share xRavenx

Thanks for bringing up the subject, I have thought about this a lot recently.

I've ruined several of the past romantic relationships because of my BP symptoms. I was not diagnosed back then. My husband has had depressive episodes, I'm always suspecting MI in him, though my pdoc thinks it's my fantasy. Anyway, I don't think our relationship is ideal. I don't think anyone normal could stand my outrages. We are there for each other forgiving terrible things just because we know any of us is ideal. He has been mean to me and vice versa.

What troubles me is my relationships with friends. I tend to please them, putting my own needs down. Keeping silent when I think differently. Having poor control of my borders. It gives a lot of stress at my life. At the other hand, my T kept telling me I need to build social net of help when I'm in need of help. Those persons are the only ones to help me out in desperate times. Though not emotionally, with everything else.