[Wander]

It is week five at university and I'm drowning. I've been working hard to keep up with the work, dropped one of my two units and tried to look after my health. Still, my brain is broken. I can comprehend the work but cannot find words to express myself in essays, assignments etc. my creativity is dead too.

I have an assignment due next week and cannot even write one sentence. It seems hopeless. The cut off to withdraw from the unit before I have to pay for it is next week. Right now I don't feel I can manage any uni this semester. It feels like failure to drop out but what can I do.

To deal with the depression crisis I'm in I asked for an emergency appointment with my pdoc. Thankfully I got one tomorrow. Problem is that is when I should be at uni finding more about my assignment. I was hoping to go to uni tomorrow and see if it helped my brain get around the assignment. Now I can only go to one of four hours of it. It seems over now. I must drop out.

Dropping out makes me more depressed and hopeless. I can't do anything. I can barely function. I am drowning. What hope do I have of a decent job if my brain doesn't work? Or a relationship? Thoughts of death plague me. I don't even know why I wrote this. Just needed to tell someone I guess.

((((((hugs)))))

something along those lines did happen to me, several times

due to several suicide attempts ( a few in quick succession), most of my school days were actually spent in the hospital.

the problem i had is that when i was released, the school wouldn't take me back because they had moved on with the work and were worried i wouldn't catch up

in total i think i lost about 3 years of schooling due to hospital visits and other crap

Wander, don't give up hope. I can tell you need a break. Do it. You need to.

Don't worry about way out in the future like how will a career happen. Not being harsh but therapists call that "forecasting." It will only stress you out. We can't forecast the future. So no need there.

I do think you'll gain insight on what careers may be suitable for you during this "journey." For example, you may learn a lower stress environment is needed. But don't worry about that today.

Relationships? I'm in a great one. He happens to be bipolar as well, but I have met many happy couples where one had bipolar and one didn't. So rest assured it is possible.

Please take that time off. I didn't take that time off. I ended up in the hospital for six months. Not trying to scare you. Trying to say you know you need a break. Take it. It is the best thing you can do. xo

It happened to me too, in my final year with six months left. I know the feeling of your brain just not shifting to the right gear.

[Wander]

I had first semester off due to a lengthy mixed state. The last few years I have had to keep dropping my workload due to BP and PTSD. It took me three years to finish my first year at uni. This is an ongoing problem. I used to be really same and creative but these illnesses have crushed me. Now I'm dropping out of this semester it makes this year a waste.

Yes, I need to focus on healing, rest and try and find stability. It breaks my heart that this is my life. I feel so alone outside you guys and a few family members. My life is empty, pointless. I have lost so much. I grieve deeply. However I will keep fighting.

Originally Posted by Wander

I had first semester off due to a lengthy mixed state. The last few years I have had to keep dropping my workload due to BP and PTSD. It took me three years to finish my first year at uni. This is an ongoing problem. I used to be really same and creative but these illnesses have crushed me. Now I'm dropping out of this semester it makes this year a waste.

Yes, I need to focus on healing, rest and try and find stability. It breaks my heart that this is my life. I feel so alone outside you guys and a few family members. My life is empty, pointless. I have lost so much. I grieve deeply. However I will keep fighting.

I know you've had a really hard go of it. I understand your pain. It is a loss, isn't it?

I hate that I had to give up my career after I worked so hard for it. And I borrowed 100k to do it. Ten years later, I was done. Horrible.

It sucks because we are intelligent. But bipolar disorder just really affects things. I'm sorry you're going through this. Im sorry for all of us here, really.

But don't give up hope, Wander. You can still have happiness in your life. I know this much is true.

[Unrigged64072835]

Drop the classes and work on becoming stable. Then maybe you can take just one or two classes instead of a full workload. It'll take longer, yes, but at least you won't be stressing yourself out.

[Wander]

I'm trying to fight but I think I have lost hope. Lost my husband, my career and now my attempt at rebuilding my life. All lost. I am crying now. Down I fall.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

Drop the classes and work on becoming stable. Then maybe you can take just one or two classes instead of a full workload. It'll take longer, yes, but at least you won't be stressing yourself out.

I was only doing a25% workload and couldn't even handle that. I'm totally broken.

[avlady]

i had to miss my last semester from an accident i was in. after that i was never the same. i also lost my mind i think. keep working on getting back on track and get yourself a good t and doc. being stable and together beats a school degree. i even had my financial aid forgiven.good luck

Thinking of you xo

[Wild Coyote]

Wander, my heart goes out to you.

I feel your deep grief/frustration/sadness as I read your entries here.
*Tears* along with you. Your pain is palpable.

You've had many challenges and you've worked hard to overcome.

It seems like taking a break is the only reasonable option right now, from what you are sharing.

It may feel like the end, yet you have many, many more chapters to write.

(((((( WANDER ))))))

Much understanding, support and love from all of us to you!


WC

[hopeless2015]

Hugs Wander!!!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk

I love the saying "slow and steady wins the race"

School is not about finishing as fast as you can. It's about learning. So if you're not learning anything this semester, then there's no point in taking classes. Are you learning anything? That's what you have to ask yourself.

Go at the pace which you find most comfortable. If that means you have to drop all your classes for this semester, then so be it. Finish school strong. Come out with more knowledge than you came in with.

Most schools in the US seem to push students to finish in 4 years, but plenty of students finish in 5 or 6. Those students tend to be very knowledgeable and intelligent. They know their strengths and weaknesses; they're able to understand risk vs. reward. That is, they know finishing in 4 years might be risky for them (grades wise), so they take it slow and finish whenever they finish (which gives them a greater reward in terms of knowledge).

There were a couple of times where I wished I dropped my classes for a whole semester, and I kinda regret not doing that. (I never dropped out a semester because I was too gung-ho about finishing school as fast as I could.) So don't be afraid or embarrassed to do what you have to do. Good luck!

[Ellie_jo]

I admire your ability to see that you need to take care of yourself. Sometimes things get really hard for reasons our of our control and there is nothing wrong with pausing to deal with it. I also had to take time off school because of my mental state so I think I can sympathize with the frustration and anxiety that it can cause. Please continue to pay attention to what you need and take care! We are all here to support you

[Wander]

Just saw my pdoc. He didn't want to put me on an anti-depressant as they have cause me to have mixed/manic episodes in the past. He offered Tegretol but I was worried about the weight gain and I am already on Lithium. I begged my doctor for relief so he gave in and prescribed me Cymbalta. I have started it today and will see how I go. If I react it tends to be within days so I can stop it if things get worse. I am just hoping for my mood to lift and mind to clear. I see him again on Tuesday and he said if I am no better or worse he wants me IP to try more assertive med changes while being able to monitor me.

So here I go. Hoping for Cymbalta to work but worried it will make me mixed. Guess I will just have to wait and see.

I hope you get some relief soon. I know it's not that easy.

I'm able to tolerate ADs. Maybe Cymbalta will do the trick. Sending good vibes your way.

[Wander]

Day two of Cymbalta. Minor side effects like most AD's but I am getting irritable which is a worry. Mood still very low. Will give it a couple more days.

Still trying to do my assignment to see if I can pull through this semester (one unit) but struggling to find words. Will keep trying until pull out date which is the 31st. If I pull out after that I have to pay for the unit which is $800.

[JustJace2u]

Hell, it took me 20 years just to get a 2 year degree. I'm still working toward my 4 year degree but keep getting held back because of failure. I finally had to take the summer is fr and mentally prepare for what's to come this semester, which starts Monday. I work 50+ hours a week and take 2 classes each semester. This will be the first semester I will have special accommodations for, so I'm hoping that will help me.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by JustJace2u

Hell, it took me 20 years just to get a 2 year degree. I'm still working toward my 4 year degree but keep getting held back because of failure. I finally had to take the summer is fr and mentally prepare for what's to come this semester, which starts Monday. I work 50+ hours a week and take 2 classes each semester. This will be the first semester I will have special accommodations for, so I'm hoping that will help me.

Thanks for you reply. I only work 16 hours and am struggling with one unit but I am in the midst of an episode. Well done for persevering in your studies. That is a great accomplishment. 50 hour work plus study! That will keep you busy. What are you studying? I wish you all the best.

[Wander]

Day three of Cymbalta. I feel nauseas, achy, tired and very, very irritable BUT I managed to get some work done on my assignment. Not much but it gives me a little hope. Maybe my brain is working better as previously I couldn't write a word. I have done 700 words today. Assignment due 1st September but I can get an extension. Still, my mood is low and I'm agitated. Will give the med a few more days and hope I calm down. If not I am going to have to stop it as I don't want to be in a mixed state.