In a bad place

I have been suffering from undiagnosed bipolar II disorder for my entire adult life. I am not on any mood stabilizers and only an antidepressant (Effexor). I am on a waiting list for a new psychiatrist. My last psychiatrist took me off my mood stabilizers several years ago saying it was impossible for me to be bipolar if I did not have a first degree relative diagnosed with the disorder. But I have been suffering greatly ever since.

I am a teacher, about to start the school year and I am destitute. I have been rapid cycling this summer (like all summers), in and out of hypomanic and depressive episodes. I have always had a problem with spending, racking up tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt that my parents have paid off. I cut up all my credit cards in April and have not used one since. I am now paying my parents back but I still do not have a handle on my finances. I spend too much on classroom supplies and now I do not have enough money for gas or food. My mother is angry with me because I am holed up in my apartment in a state of semi hibernation. But I am doing this because I cannot afford to go anywhere or do anything and I am trying to expend as little energy as possible so I do not have to eat as much. I need to save all the money I have to pay my rent on September 1st. I do not get paid until September 8th. Twelve days from now. I just somehow need to get through the next 12 days.

I blame myself entirely. I want so badly to be a responsible person but I keep messing up. I want so badly just to do things right and not have to rely on other people. I want to be on mood stabilizers. I was on Seroquel and I gained 55 pounds in 6 months so I went off of it this summer but it wasn't even helping with my hypomania/mania anyway as last school year I finished the year standing on chairs and singing my lessons in an opera voice.

I am meant to see the doctor on Tuesday - hopefully I have enough gas to get me there and back. I am going to beg her to put me on Lamictal as I see it is the only mood stabilizer that doesn't cause weight gain.

I am in a depressive state at the moment and my level of self-blame is very high.

I feel like I have the potential to be a good person but I just don't have the tools to do that right now.

I keep hoping for a miracle. I am owed money from my employer in back pay as teachers in my area having been working for over a year without a contract and we recently got a new one through binding arbitration and were meant to get a retroactive raise but our employer is refusing to give us our raise. That 500 dollars could really make a difference for me right now. I can't stop dwelling on that and it is making me really resentful and angry.

My friends want to spend time with me but I cannot afford to go visit them because I need to conserve my gas and pretty much cannot afford to spend 1 cent for the next 12 days.

I have been talking to my mother but she is really angry with me because she feels like I am not doing enough to get better.

I hate myself so much right now.

Hello, glad that you posted. Also glad you are going to see a dr Tues.

Sorry, but it is b.s. to take you off mediation you clearly need and have benefited from in the past. If you’ll forgive my putting my oar in:

From the NAMI site, Learn More – Mental Health Conditions – Bipolar: “…to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder, a person must have experienced mania or hypomania. Hypomania is a milder form of mania that doesn't include psychotic episodes. People with hypomania can often function normally in social situations or at work. Some people with bipolar disorder will have episodes of mania or hypomania many times; others may experience them only rarely. To determine what type of bipolar disorder people have, doctors test how impaired they are during their most severe episode of mania or hypomania.”

Specific points: “People with hypomania can often function normally in social situations or at work. Some people with bipolar disorder will have episodes of mania or hypomania many times; others may experience them only rarely.” As in my family, some may just hide it very well; unless it is outwardly manifested or openly discussed, you may never know this information.

Under Causes (from the same article; emphasis mine):

“The chances of developing bipolar disorder are increased if a child’s parents or siblings have the disorder. But the role of genetics is not absolute. A child from a family with a history of bipolar disorder may never develop the disorder. And studies of identical twins have found that even if one twin develops the disorder the other may not.”

Bipolar Disorder. (n.d.). Retrieved August 27, 2016, from NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness | Bipolar disorder

Know it’s easy for me to say, but would you consider letting your friends know what’s going on w/you right now? They may want to help you over a rough patch, even with a little bit of gas money, a meal, or just a sympathetic ear.

May I suggest even possibly going by a food bank for some help now? I struggle with reaching out, letting others know If I am in need, and felt so conflicted about food stamps/food banks, etc. The help is there, and when I was flat broke it was necessary to keep me going, mentally and physically.

You sound like you are really, truly fighting for your health, to make things better for yourself. Than you are a teacher, spending your money on supplies, says so much about you, that even within this illness you are wanting to improve the world, lives around you. You ARE a good person, even without the contributions – you ARE working hard to get and stay well.

Bipolar is a b**** - you are doing the best you can, right now, to deal with it and minimize the damages to your life and relationships. I’m glad that you posted here, I wish I had something more constructive or helpful…. But perhaps this is my error, and you just need to be heard. I’m sorry if I’ve overstepped – please know you have my admiration and support.

Welcome to PC!

I'm sorry to hear that you are in a rough patch. I agree with what Boivar83 said about asking for support and checking out food banks.

I'm so sorry to hear you're not quite stable. Rapid cycling all summer would put me in IP. As a matter of fact, I think if you want prompt care NOW, you can always go to IP (around here it's usually only 5 days). Then they'll set you up with a pdoc upon release. That is if your problem feels unbearable.

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You sound like a fine person. Teachers are very special. Teachers going the extra mile are truly outstanding.

Great suggestions offered above.

Any chance some of the school supplies might be returned for a refund of money spent on them?

I hope all goes well at the upcoming pdoc appt. If s/he prescribes and you cannot afford the medication, maybe ask her/him for samples of meds?


WC

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. It's good you are going to talk to your pdoc, because it definitely sounds like you need a lot more relief from your symptoms. Although only the pdoc can decide which meds would be best to prescribe, Lamictal has helped me a great deal, and I actually lost a few lbs. Do you have a therapist? It sounds like you can use more support and from others without judgment. It can help a lot with recovering from the devastating effects of BP that you have gone through and learn how to avoid self-blame. ((Hugs)) It's one day at a time.