...is this what bipolar looks like...?

I'm putting myself out there in sharing this, but i've had a life of some really good times, but also more instability and turmoil than the average person that i know. a history of abuse, drugs and alcohol abuse, numerous jobs and relationships, frequent moving, financial problems, good performace but poor attendance at work, that's been my life. On one hand i'm liked by most people and i've accomplish some fulfilling accomplishments, but there's that side of me that's just toitering on a tightrope. Can anyone relate to my life? is this what bipolar I and II looks like to you? or is it just me?

Some days that is what I feel like....I suffer from more depression than I do manic states. I am a very driven person..I have a very low self esteem..therefore I spend my time trying to prove that I am worth what I don't think I am. My childhood...there are moments I remember that were happy..but I remember a lot of bad (lets just leave it at that). I have the history of drug and alcohol abuse to some extent and financial problems...However my work performance and attendance has always been good. Most of the time I keep wondering where in the world this person that everyone talks about as being well liked and accomplished is....i look in the mirror and never see her.

...thanks...mydarlin...

dorsey

Hey Dorsey!
If bi-polar HAD a LOOK (?) my foto would be right beside it in the dictionary!!! hahahaha.................lol...........................I didn't know it had a look? It's a feeling though, and not a very pleasant one at that. I can relate to all the issues you have, been there, done that!! I never could hold down a job for very long before I'd have an episode, none of which I understood as I hadn't been properly diagnosed. I was just diagnosed a year ago Dec. So that makes it 30 some odd years that drs. fooled around with all the wrong meds. that never seemed to do any good.
I call my good days normal(for me), and my bad ones, bi-polar days. The last one I had I went and got most of my HAIR cut off!!!! ALMOST BOOT CAMPER!!! That's what you do when you're in a phase. It could last from 1 to several days before you realize what you've done. I use to have clippers of my own, but my husband threw them out when he found my head half shaven one time. That's bi-polar!!!
Work and I never seemed to get along. I had two or three jobs I just couldn't handle under stress. MEAN BOSSES.
They were always WOMEN, too. The worst people you can work for, in my opinion. Hmm, oh well hope this helps a little????

drummergrl,

...my face would be right next to yours....thanks.
can you believe that i work in intensive care? i haven't been to work in a week. it seems that i can handle the work, but you're right! when people get mean or controlling it stresses me out and i can't take it..
ok...i'll try to live with this. it's just so hard to keep from judging myself so harshly...bad bipolar! why didn't i see it coming..? i'm going to a 12 step group tonight, i need help. if i feel any judgement, i can't go back.
...and i think that i'm a strong person. God help the people who aren't so strong.
dorsey

I hope you didn't experience any judgement...just remember they are people who are struggling also and is not a reflection about the program yourself...stay strong..ok?

Hey Dorse!!!
I liked your picture, but I'm probably older than you, so my mug has been on there longer!!! lol.............hahahaha.......
talk about some screwed up feelings eh? Sometimes I wonder how I made it thru the "wonder" years? I hid alot in those days. Never talked about what was going on inside my head........I'm not sure I knew???? Anyway, you are not alone in this world now. We are all connected thru our disorders............like Cancer survivors. I still meet with our
radiation group. WE all had our treatments together. Went in the limo together everyday cept weekends for six and a half weeks. Boy, if you don't get to know someone by then, there's no hope for you!!!
I call them good/bad days for a lack of another. I could use bi-polar day though. I usually do now. That explains just about everything. You work in an emergency room? What are you, an RN??? DOCTOR???.............what? Volunteer? They don't get paid, that's probably not it. Hmm, tell me. My cancer dr. told me I'd be surprised at how many drs. are bi-polar. They're in all walks of life. The cream of the crop educators, scientists, musicians, lawyers
you name it....no one's exempt from this.
Just keep up with your meds and come back if you need me to kick you in the butt again......figuritively speaking, of course!!! lol................hahahaha just kidding. I use to do that all the time, play kick the can, only the can was usually me!!!!
I still have days where I'm quite harsh on myself. I just think it comes with the territory now..........so hard to be "normal"...
what is NORMAL????

...thanks drummergrl,

....you're so sweet...i think that i'm in the same age group as you..i'm 52 next month, but it's nice here that everyone's the same. I picked up a white chip at a NA meeting tonight. i did so well on the anniversary day of my son's death, then starting doing self-destructive things the next day. i think that i'm heading over to the subtance abuse forum to see if anyone has problems like this during manic episodes. Boy! i belong in so many forums! well, i'm going back to work tomorrow. I'm a nurse in NICU (neonatal intensive care) i love the babies, they are the only reason i can still work in nursing.
God bless you,
dorsey

Great for you .... that means so much that you are working on your substance abuse and going to your meetings. I am proud of you.

Hi Dorse!!!
Yep, I'm older by five years almost. I'm 56 til November.
I dont' think age is so important anymore, unless you're a child trying to date older men!!! That's where I draw the line.
Anyway, don't beat yourself to a pulp yet. Let me do it!!!!!
I don't have substance abuse problems anymore. I use to.
In the 80's I started drinking at home during the day and I got real good at it. My father in law called the police on me one day, and they came and took me to the hospital so I could be looked at. I was so embarrassed!!! Afterward, I didn't call for help anymore. When I got sick with Liver disease I quit drinking for six months so my liver would heal up. The gall bladder was involved too. I had to diet and not drink at all. That cured me.
It was very painful and I ran a 103 temp. so I knew something was up.
neonatel? Oh, that must be awfully sad at times, isn't it? I would hate to be holding a baby that dies in your arms.
Good for people like you who can do that w/o becoming too involved.