A few years ago I wrote my memoir of my childhood. They were mostly vignettes, about 1 page each. One is called "Hatred," and it's about how a little 4 year old friend when I was 4, told me about God. She said, "You have to love God. More than your parents. And you can't hate ANYBODY." I remember feeling like I hated a lot. I knew what hatred was. I didn't know what love was. That was in 1946, and I was well aware of the World War going on in Europe, and the things the Nazis were doing. I had seen a photograph that a neighbor's brother had brought back from the war of a wound the Nazi doctors had made on a woman's leg in one of their "experiments." I knew I hated the Nazis. I hated my dad when he beat me. Early experiences are now believed to change one's brain. Sometimes now I still find hatred taking over my mind. I hate hypocrisy, people who ruin the environment for profit, lies, crooked politicians. Anyone else feel this way? I still have a hard time knowing how to love. When I've loved in the past, I was betrayed so many times.

[Christopher1990]

thats heavy. i feel the hatred thing definitely. I cant really stand watching the news. i dont understand whats going on

[JustJace2u]

I'm constantly feeling hatred towards people, especially those whose lives seem so perfect in every which way.

[Ripose]

I hate society as a whole, war-mongers, people who hide advances in science, etc. My list would be a mile long, so basically I hate everyone. I still do like the occasional person and I always hold out hope that there are still a few good people left in the world. But the good people don't run the world do they?

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I so get it. Among my MI's I struggle with a rage problem and I'm always talking down about life in general. You can say I'm a huge Debbie downer. Hell, I'm mad right now and having very negative feelings towards my family. Long story but I feel hate right now and I feel it often. There is no gray period for me. Everything is black and white and I either love, or hate. I know this is probably something I should work on with my T.

[vjdragonfly]

That is awful that you knew hatred at such a young age. Hatred is such a heavy thing to carry around. I try not to hate people, although there is one person right now that falls into my hatred catagory. I do hate actions though like fakeness, it just really gets under my skin.

Dear all, and a comment esp for wolfeyes and one for christopher1990. Thanks to all of you who are participating in this thread. The only good hing about this all is that now I don't feel alone in this condition. I wonder if our mutual susceptibility to hatred feelings is "just part of being human," or "just part of bipolar," or something else. I'm pretty sure that this recent bout of hatred feelings has come on when I changed meds. Wolfeyes, you wrote, "it is just going to upset me thinking about it" YES!!! You got it. Once I get started thinking about it, it takes over my whole day. Christopher1990 you wrote, "I cant really stand watching the news. I don't understand whats going on." Me, neither! People ask me, "Are you going to watch the presidential debates?" I say he*l no! I'd throw up.

Hi everyone, s'me again....I've been doing some online research on this hate in the mind issue. I found a website called IntentionalWorkPlace. There's an article there about emotional literacy and more. Here are some quotes you might find very interesting. The whole artilce called "Emotional Mindfulness -- What Can Anger, Sadness, Hate & Despair Teach Us?" is worth a look. As I read this, I think back on the about 3 years of intensive, in depth Art Therapy I had. It was so incredibly great -- it was process therapy, and I experienced so called negative emotions and worked out of PTSD. Some of it was based on Jungian therapy and dreams. Here's a paragraph from the IntentionalWorkplace article on what emotion is: "Emotions are not meant to stay “stuck.” The English word emotion is derived from the French word ‘emouvoir.’ The French is based on the Latin word emovere , where e- means “out” and “movere” means move. Not stay inside. But to move – out. " That's what Art Therapy did for me. (Not just any therapist is a genuine Art Therapist. My 2 Art Therapists had masters degrees in Art Therapy.

There are five Tools at the IntentionalWorkplace URL. The author explains that these are not easy to do, but very worthwhile. I'm going to give them considerable thought. Here are 2 of the 5.

• Identify Your Addictive Emotions – Yes, our own emotions can be habit-forming. For some people anger is a repellent – to others it’s a stimulant. Emotions like anger and resentment can act like “cover” emotions to hide the scarier and less socially acceptable feelings (depending on our cultural influences) like sadness, hurt, grief and fear. Some people only “do” happy. They develop a philosophy and language to keep things “light.” While that’s fine, it often acts as a form of repression and keeps others from comfortably expressing what they truly feel.
• Pay Closer Attention to What Triggers You – Triggers or “hot buttons” are like maps to our thoughts and beliefs. They are offer invaluable insights into how needs are being met or unmet. Chances are your emotional triggers carry a lot of old emotional baggage. The more you know about what triggers you – the greater the opportunity to use your conscious awareness to deactivate those reflexive emotional reactions.

[Tucson]

I get consumed by hatred of people that slighted me in some way. I have this fear of being taken advantage of that turns into hatred. Nasty stuff.

Tucson

Hi Tucson,that sounds very unpleasant. I was raised to feel huffy and insulted if someone slighted me. In fact, my mother would find slights all over the place, and cause me to quit my friendships. Now, this does not bother me at all -- what does enrage me is rudeness. Mostly "unseen" cyber or telephone rudeness. But I've also gotten upset at in-person rudeness. I think what got me over the bad feelings about being slighted was something enlightening I got one time in a women's therapy group. The therapist said, "If somebody says you are.....[too tall; too short; too fat; too thin; your voice is too soft/loud or whatever] this is NOT TRUE OF YOU. The ONLY thing it means is that the person making the accusation has a PREFERENCE for someone who is a way that you are not. Other people like your own qualities a lot! " I'm really going to study the article I just referenced in my previous post.

I got to wondering why the article clips I sent were from a workplace website. Then I started finding lots and lots more training books for the workplace, touting learning emotional intelligence to improve -- and shine -- in your workplace performance. Thunder and bells went off in my head: "This is just teaching SOME people in the workplace how to manipulate." So I followed a different research track and found this article in The Atlantic online. Its title and subtitle: "The Dark Side of Emotional Intelligence --In some jobs, being in touch with emotions is essential. In others, it seems to be a detriment. And like any skill, being able to read people can be used for good or evil." <snip>


A quote from the article: "New evidence shows that when people hone their emotional skills, they become better at manipulating others. When you’re good at controlling your own emotions, you can disguise your true feelings. When you know what others are feeling, you can tug at their heartstrings and motivate them to act against their own best interests.Social scientists have begun to document this dark side of emotional intelligence. In emerging research led by University of Cambridge professor Jochen Menges, when a leader gave an inspiring speech filled with emotion, the audience was less likely to scrutinize the message and remembered less of the content. Ironically, audience members were so moved by the speech that they claimed to recall more of it."


The article gives examples of two influential 20th Century leaders who had emotional intelligence -- one was "real" and the other studied it carefully to manipulate: The first exmple was Martin Luther King, Jr. "
Some of the greatest moments in human history were fueled by emotional intelligence. When Martin Luther King, Jr. presented his dream, he chose language that would stir the hearts of his audience. <snip> Delivering this electrifying message required emotional intelligence—the ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions. Dr. King demonstrated remarkable skill in managing his own emotions and in sparking emotions that moved his audience to action."

The second massive figure cited for using emotional intelligence is described: "Recognizing the power of emotions, another one of the most influential leaders of the 20th century spent years studying the emotional effects of his body language. Practicing his hand gestures and analyzing images of his movements allowed him to become 'an absolutely spellbinding public speaker,' says the historian Roger Moorhouse—'it was something he worked very hard on.' His name was Adolf Hitler."

Years ago someone told me (I have not been able to substantiate/document this online) that in Canadian prison education, psychology courses are not allowed to be taught. Makes sense to me -- I hope it's true.

[Stuck1nhead]

Hey, were alike. I have always hated criminals that commit unmoral crimes. I had such a hatred for them that I went to school and studied criminal justice for four years. Then I realized that the biggest criminals are the ones that are in charge; so now I hate them.

I've been trying to accept the order of things, but cannot. I've been trying to learn that whether you love or hate life is going to screw you either way. So I might as well love, at least I'll have some happiness.

Good philosophy, Stuck1nhead. I'm trying to oust these feelings out of my mind. I think the new meds are not working, because I remember that before meds started about o20 years ago, I was angry all the time. Then for 20 years, I wasn't. Now I am again since the new meds. I'm trying to get into see my new pdoc. He's actually the pdoc I had before the organization moved him to a different clinic without informing me that's where he went. I would have followed him then. It's taking a while to get things back in order for me at the clinics.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Is it possible you're having a mixed episode?? When I'm mixed I get very angry and agitated easily.

Hi RxQueen875, Hmm. I guess it's possible I'm having a mixed episode. Actually, not today, at least not at this moment. But if that's what it is, (1) How do I know? (2) What do I do about it? So many of people's responses to this thread really move me. Stuck1nHead's conclusions, after spending 4 years studying criminal justice and then discovering that it's the people at the top who are the real criminals, is what I see, too. In the city where I live, we have police chiefs and sheriffs, and area small town mayors, city and county councilors -- etc -- who get investigated for fraud, sexual harassment, corruption -- Some of them lose their jobs; some are demoted but keep their employment; some are re-elected despite having good opponents. There's a big race on right now between a corrupt official and a good opponent. He has several hundred thousand in his war chest; she has $6,000. At the state level we're trying to tax the giant out of state corporations, since most of them pay Zero state taxes. One of them at least has polluted our area, and STILL does not pay state taxes! These bandits' ads are trying to convince the voters that small businesses will be damaged (not true) and that the rest of us will end up paying for the tax (not true in other states, so not true here, either.) And all this is local!!!! Can't even contemplate the Federal level! So what do we think about? "All politics is corrupt" and just ACCEPT that? I think part of my hate-mind is that these things "SHOULD NOT" be happening. That's my Cognitive Dissonance, see. They should not be, but they are. My basic belief -- should not -- conflicts with the fact that they ARE happening, and I CAN'T ACCEPT whatever the reality is because of the extreme pain of cognitive dissonance. Does that make sense? That's why I keep trying to figure out what reality is, that I must JUST ACCEPT. Having read some US History, and also other history, I'm now thinking that maybe it's getting worse for me because at my age and interest level in justice, I've learned too much reality for my own good.

Originally Posted by flowerbells

I think part of my hate-mind is that these things "SHOULD NOT" be happening. That's my Cognitive Dissonance, see. They should not be, but they are. My basic belief -- should not -- conflicts with the fact that they ARE happening, and I CAN'T ACCEPT whatever the reality is because of the extreme pain of cognitive dissonance. Does that make sense? That's why I keep trying to figure out what reality is, that I must JUST ACCEPT.... I've learned too much reality for my own good.

Amen.
This is a very interesting thread, flowerbells. Sorry that my mind is not up to an orderly response. So here goes a rambling one.

I've got a ton of cognitive dissonance too. It's so complicated. I don't want to believe people are as horrible as they are. But they are. Overall, I hate people. I don't really "hate" them, but I don't understand them and don't like them. I don't trust them. I've totally seen this 'used for evil' thing you mentioned. It makes me even less trustful and more closed (which is already a major problem for me). Oddly enough, apparently I come off as trusting, even gullible(!) But I'm not. I see WAY more than they realize. I just keep it to myself. I can appear to "fall" for bs, when it's simply a matter of not wanting to deal with exposing it. One time my psych asked if I trust anyone. Answer? No. No one. Not really. Like you say, I've learned too much reality for my own good.

But moving from cognitive dissonance back to hate. Real hate. I do. And it can be ferociously so. The list actually wouldn't be very long at all. Not of personal in-your-face kind of hate that would make me think thoughts one would not admit to if one wanted to avoid an involuntary. Or being arrested.

But there's still plenty of further-removed hate. The epically horribles for instance. The close-minded and intolerant. Perpetrators of psychopathy like torture etc.

Then another catagory are the personal ones that are very strong, but they don't consume me because I've let them go. Prime example would be my mother. I can't stand her, but I cut her out years ago and moved (over time) from hate to indifference. What allowed me to do this was realizing she didn't even deserve space in my brain, let alone the energy required to hate.

She left enough of a mess as it is.

(I do try to apply that method to many of the aggravators in day to day life. Mixed levels of success there. )

Really not a hater overall though. Takes too much energy that I already don't have. More of an "Ugh. People. Jerks exhaust me." And they're pretty much out to get me, but BF says that is paranoid. I see it more like being a goldfish in a tank of pirhanas.

Dear Innerzone, I really like your post. I appreciate your thanking me for making this thread, too! I totally do. I don't trust anybody either. Except maybe ONE. That's my boyfriend. Lest you think I'm being my formerly naive self about men - trusting them, passionately loving them, while they are treating me like dirt --- my new (4-5 years) b/f is a gem. He proves over and over that he cares about me, and would never pressure me into anything or hurt me in any way. We have never, not ever, yelled at each other. He is a quiet, kind man, and it's such an amazing thing that we have each other. We have a lot in common, things we like and things we do together, and thanks to some miracle, we do not live together. Who knows how much explosiveness there would be if we did! You maybe have read elsewhere here that I've cut my sister out of my life. Mostly I feel indifference toward her, but I am still angry at her.

And speaking of hatred so bad it could lead to involuntary or prison, I used to want to kill one of my husbands. Then I had a dream, see. It went like this. I shoot my husband in the chest. Two police officers come and each takes on arm, and they are leading me off to jail. They are very gentle and kind to me. It's like they understand that I'm in some sort of problem, and pain. Now I am in the prison. I want to wash my hair, so I as the matron where the hair dryers are. It's chilly in there, too. The matron says in a patronizing way -- sounds sorta evil like in a movie -- "There are no hair dryers in PRI....SON..." Then I woke up! Decided not to kill my husband!!!!! LOL I actually don't think I would have done it anyway, although he accused me of wanting to kill him AND he put me in mortal danger more than once AND plotted with to take me out in the forest and leave me there with a bunch of sleeping pills. He wanted to inherit my house, I think.

And by the way -- forgive me if I'm mistaken -- do I denote a bit of bipolar whimsy in your post? That's how a lot of my poetry is -- it's about unpleasant or tragic situations, but it's pretty funny anyway.

I'm learning a song from a singer songwriter I really like. His stuff is tragi-comic, too, if that's the specific word for what he does. The one I'm learning is called "I Love You So Much I Hate Myself."

Here's how one of my poems starts out. The title is "It's": Iti defines bipolar. It's a read-aloud poem -- Say the word "It's" very prominently each time at the beginning of a line.

It’s
It's the body
It's the mind
It's the environment
It's chemicals.
Depends on which era you're in.
It's inherited
It's your upbringing
It's trauma
It's your genitals
Maybe it's caused by sin.
Give her a pill
She's really ill.
Look she's screaming again
Nothing we do
can ever please you
It's starting all over again!

-more- -- is there a bipolar writing, art, poetry etc forum?

Hi again, Innerzone. I found more in your email I want to respond to, too. You wrote " : (I do try to apply that method to many of the aggravators in day to day life. Mixed levels of success there. ) "

I know what you mean there -- Except lately when I've been "down under angry and depressed" and "really irritable" due to the med change, I come across as a cheerful person. A lot of poeple see me as a role model. I believe I deserve to be viewed that way for several reasons. One is that despite the corruption and pain in the world, I keep on keepin' on. A small example I'm doing right now -- we have a beautiful large park in our city. So large that there are parts of it that can't be walked from Point A to Point B, so to speak. I take public transit. I can get there just fine, but coming back, I can't do. There are no bus shelters, no seats, and the ground at the bus stops slants. I have complained before, starting about 2 years ago. The answers I got was there wasn't much they could do, or were ready to fund, now. And they couldn't seem to figure out which political entity was responsible anyway. Well, about 3 weeks ago, there was an article in the local paper that the parks department was writing a new Master Plan for THAT VERY PARK! So I got the phone number for the parks director, and left him a message about the transit problem in that park. He found a women from some part of the parks that called me back. She took me very seriously (or so it seemed -- you know how THAT goes -- they are trained to make you believe something will happen, when what they really want is for you to give up after weeks or months or years of trying. But anyway, I have high hopes now that I may be able to get home from the park. The plan, she said, is that the improvements will be in place by spring 2017!

I really am an upbeat, cheerful person, I think, BUT deep down, I am a cynic. I see too much, know too much.

You wrote: "Really not a hater overall though. Takes too much energy that I already don't have. More of an "Ugh. People. Jerks exhaust me." And they're pretty much out to get me, but BF says that is paranoid." Sounds like you have a good BF, too. Anyway, today I'm exhausted from feeling hateful for many hours yesterday. I'm sorry you feel like a goldfish in a sea of Paranas. I don't feel like that, but I used to when I was trying to be in The Great American Workplace. But anyway I love goldfish. I hope you can be in a backyard pond like I used to have. It had so many goldfish they were breeding. It was deep enough that they swam down to the bottom when the surface froze over, and lived all winter just fine. The shared the pond with water lilies, water hyacinths, dragon flies, and water striders. It was my pride and joy. I got the idea from my great aunt's pond when I was a child. Hers even had frogs chirping at night! May you live there!

So glad to hear you have such a wonderful BF, flowerbells! That is most excellent.
I love my BF (7 years) and we've got tons in common too, but I must confess to learning about cognitive dissonance in this time. (She said obliquely.)

Nice work! There have been BP poetry etc. threads before, but it's been a little while since I've seen them. You could start one! Or maybe do a search and see any predecessors.

BF's the poetry one. His poems are very dense with traditional structures. Dylan Thomas is his poetic hero. Big time. Though I'm near-clueless with the technical aspects of poetic form, I LOVE words and language. It's among the chart-toppers on the list of things in common. We'll be, say, watching a dvd and suddenly squeal at the thrill of a well-crafted turn of phrase, lol. No need to tread lightly about possibly detecting whimsy. It's quite the compliment. It's just what falls out of my head. Better to laugh than to cry when you can, right?

Re: language. All hail Stephen Fry! (Hahahaha, I just wrote that without even remembering the BP(!)) What a way with words!
And just yesterday, I got watching youtube of Travel Man with Richard Ayoade (whom I ADORE!!!). I haven't come up with a good way to describe his phrasings, but they are delightful (a word I don't often use, so interpret it at maximum power level.) No BP connection there, just linguistic fun.

Travel indeed. What was the topic again?

Too funny. I scrolled to look at again and was briefly confused. Aha! A second post!

Yes, when I am highly irritable, it all goes out the window.
I take transit too! I'm not always a happy camper, but it sure helps against road rage! And there's air conditioning. Oh yeah.

Good work on the park situation. Do you know the show Parks and Rec? If so, I hope you get their Leslie Knope!

The pond you had sounds nice.

I don't know if I'd be considered upbeat and cheerful. Probably not. Depends very much on context and how well someone knows me. Relaxed, I'm very silly. And cynic, yes, that's the word. It's strange though. Towards other people's lives, I tend to be an optimist, though I run towards pessimism in my own. But I sometimes joke that, despite appearances, I must be the biggest optimist in the world. Because I hold out hope for change that stands against all odds and reason. Good thing I'm not a gambler.

Originally Posted by Innerzone

So glad to hear you have such a wonderful BF, flowerbells! That is most excellent.
I love my BF (7 years) and we've got tons in common too, but I must confess to learning about cognitive dissonance in this time. (She said obliquely.)

Nice work! There have been BP poetry etc. threads before, but it's been a little while since I've seen them. You could start one! Or maybe do a search and see any predecessors.

BF's the poetry one. His poems are very dense with traditional structures. Dylan Thomas is his poetic hero. Big time. Though I'm near-clueless with the technical aspects of poetic form, I LOVE words and language. It's among the chart-toppers on the list of things in common. We'll be, say, watching a dvd and suddenly squeal at the thrill of a well-crafted turn of phrase, lol. No need to tread lightly about possibly detecting whimsy. It's quite the compliment. It's just what falls out of my head. Better to laugh than to cry when you can, right?

Re: language. All hail Stephen Fry! (Hahahaha, I just wrote that without even remembering the BP(!)) What a way with words!
And just yesterday, I got watching youtube of Travel Man with Richard Ayoade (whom I ADORE!!!). I haven't come up with a good way to describe his phrasings, but they are delightful (a word I don't often use, so interpret it at maximum power level.) No BP connection there, just linguistic fun.

Travel indeed. What was the topic again?

Too funny. I scrolled to look at again and was briefly confused. Aha! A second post!

Yes, when I am highly irritable, it all goes out the window.
I take transit too! I'm not always a happy camper, but it sure helps against road rage! And there's air conditioning. Oh yeah.

Good work on the park situation. Do you know the show Parks and Rec? If so, I hope you get their Leslie Knope!

The pond you had sounds nice.

I don't know if I'd be considered upbeat and cheerful. Probably not. Depends very much on context and how well someone knows me. Relaxed, I'm very silly. And cynic, yes, that's the word. It's strange though. Towards other people's lives, I tend to be an optimist, though I run towards pessimism in my own. But I sometimes joke that, despite appearances, I must be the biggest optimist in the world. Because I hold out hope for change that stands against all odds and reason. Good thing I'm not a gambler.

How do I send you a PM?

Originally Posted by flowerbells

How do I send you a PM?

Click on my username, and PMing will be among the options on the dropdown menu.
(Just a heads up that I'll likely be offline soon. I do this all on phone and my eyes are telling me to cool it and do something else so they can rest.)