Realizing I may need more help and support than I previously thought

So, tomorrow morning, I start full-time work as an activity director for the chronically mentally ill. This is something I have to do in order to get my 300 internship hours for the last class in getting my degree for clinical mental health. I started the program in January 2013. In April 2014, I had a bout of psychosis resulting in hospitalization. I was in the emergency room twice for sedation and went to a psych hospital for a night.

My husband has been talking about starting a family. I have always imagined having multiple children in my life, as I am an only child and I've felt that has been pretty hard on me. I'm 27 and my husband is 31, so we feel like we don't have much more time to put off the inevitable. I have managed to make the plan of stopping my birth control in April when I see my APN for my yearly. I feel this will give me time to prepare mentally and physically for having and taking care of a baby, and to finish my degree and get some good insurance going that can't be yanked out from under me at any old time the government decides.

I'm starting to feel a bit anxious and overwhelmed by life though. My husband and I have just moved back in with his mother, and the living conditions are much better than where we were before. Also the pressure has been less with running a household with another person and sharing our bills. We are all able to have more with less money.

I've been off emotionally for a while now, starting in May, I would say. I made the decision to take 9 hours of classes this summer so I could finish school this December instead of waiting until next summer. It was just something about how the scheduling worked out. I think it might've also been a hypomanic decision because during June, I worked during the day and had classes in the evening Monday-Thursday. I was barely home for a few waking hours and then one of those weekends, I did a conference at the school also. I managed to pull of the classes though.

At the beginning of July I went with my mom to visit family for a vacation in the city we both were born. There I felt almost euphoric. I don't remember being that happy in a long time. I love my family on my mom's side, but I only get to see them about once every 5 years. When I'm there, I dream of moving back more than usual. But I wouldn't do so without my husband and his friend who has been like a brother to both of us. And neither of them have any desire to move to where I used to live.

So when I came home, I was pretty disappointed with how everyday life is where I live now. I had lots of crying spells because I know that no matter my decision, its going to result in missing some people that I love deeply. My husband gets upset when I get like that, missing my hometown and hating on where I live now. We got in some arguments because of this, which messed our moods of even more. After a few weeks, I decided to see my APN for a med change.

She bumped my Zoloft up from 50mg to 100, and she wanted me to start counseling again. I thought this was a good idea, since I felt I have had some issues I needed to work out since the last time I was in counseling in 2014. I decided to try private practice this time, since I felt that the counselor I had before was so overworked and didn't do my treatment plan for both series of sessions I saw her and she couldn't remember what homework she had assigned me and some things about what I had shared with her.

Well, the Zoloft has really helped with the sadness. I feel pretty balanced compared to how I felt in May-June and then in July. The only problem is the side effects now. I'm having trouble with being sleepy during the day, and I stay on either the couch or the bed most of the time. I tried practicing waking up between 8-9 this past week because I know I'll have to be up at 7 next week. I'd either snooze until 10:30-11, or if I woke up when I was supposed to, I'd nap again sometime before 1. I just couldn't make myself stay up. And then I've been having really vivid dreams that are all pretty emotionally straining. Like last night I dreamed I was involved in a shooting at a store I was shopping at where multiple people died and the shooter shot herself outside the store.

Private practice counseling has been sort of disappointing as well. I've had two sessions so far that have lasted about 20-30 minutes and it sounds like she's going to discharge me next session. We just haven't been able to dig into the issues that I needed to talk about. I feel like since I'm in school and about to work, many people automatically assume that I'm "stable" and don't really need any help. Maybe my assumption is wrong, and maybe it is my own fault for not being able to communicate my needs effectively. She had me read a book called Boundaries, and that has been helpful so far.

I'm also having issues around whether I am bipolar or not. My mom keeps telling me I'm not and that the doctors and counselors don't know me. She thinks it is my medicine that keeps me from living effectively because of the tiredness and laziness it causes. She had similar problems when she was on an antidepressant, so she just stopped taking it. This was about 15 years ago. Now, to me, she seems hypomanic and very ADHD. It is hard for her to stay on one topic in conversation and I feel she talks 90% of the time and me 10%. So it's hard for me to spend time with her. I feel guilty and like a bad daughter, but every time I do spend time with her, I feel worse and confused, like if I'm not bipolar, why am I taking these medicines. It gets to my head. My best friend who is also bipolar and my husband tell me I need to keep taking my medicines. And most of the time I agree. It's just that I have yet to get an official diagnosis, so I can't feel fully committed to fighting bipolar. I've gotten one from my first counselor near the beginnings of my second sessions with her. But then on the last session of that series, she said "I don't know what you are, I'm not a good diagnostician." And my APN said I might have some bipolar 2 symptoms, but she seemed kind of iffy the way she said it. And my second counselor said "If it walks and talks like a duck, it probably is a duck." The pdoc at the psych hospital I stayed at said "I hope this isn't the beginnings of bipolar" right before he discharged me the following morning I was admitted. So I really don't know where I stand. I don't know if I even belong here.

I'm just getting a bit anxious and overwhelmed by the week ahead, and I realized that I need some support from other places than where I am not, because that's not feeling enough for me. My mother-in-law's place is now super full of stuff too, since we're working on combining two households. We're having a yard sale in October, but it's another big project I feel overwhelmed by, and the lack of space in here is keeping me from doing the exercise regiment that was working for me before I went on vacation.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking with all this. Maybe I just really needed to vent. I don't know where to go from here. I feel like medical help and mental health help aren't going to meet my needs, so I'm ready to give up on that front. Maybe you guys can help me, and I'm also thinking about getting help with home organization from a site called FlyLady Premium. I'm hoping to start logging in for the weekly bipolar chats here. Maybe these things with help me weather the obstacles I've been facing.

Sorry this is so long, and I thank you very much for reading.

Thank you for giving us some back ground. I have not looked up your meds so am not sure what they are that you have listed on your signature line.
It does sound like your mother may be bipolar....
there is a book called shadow syndromes that you may like. ramsey writes it I believe. It talks about mental health issues as a spectrum.
You are under a great amount of stress. Please be careful with yourself.
exercise, make that a priority. Eat well and sleep. I hope the baby issue is on hold for a while.
bizi

Thank you for your support and kind words, bizi. And thanks to everyone else for the hugs. My medicines are also known as Zoloft and Seroquel.
I appreciate the book recommendation. I will add that to my list to start right after I finish Boundaries. I am at the new work place now, just waiting for something to happen. I was dropped off a bit early, I think. When I get home tonight, I'll get dinner ready and eat, then clean up and walk the neighborhood, and after that, I will take a shower and get ready to sleep for tomorrow. Seems pretty bland for a day and for how the rest of the week will go, but I suppose that is a good thing. I hope the baby thing takes a while too. I kind of feel like I got a lot going on now, but on the other hand, if I am pregnant, I get the feeling that health professionals might be a little more attentive to my status. We'll just have to see how it goes.

You are not too old to have children really up to 35 is fine.
I would really wait until you have some more stability under your belt.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Yeah, that sounds like sage advice. We're only children on both sides of the family, so the only chance three people have of having grandchildren rests with me. And my husband having kids like he wants. I'm just going to take it one day and week at a time. The rest of the work day went okay. I was training on the computer, so that was a good solitary activity that wasn't too stressful. The only thing was people popping into the shared office I was in, but I had to start meeting coworkers at some point. Dinner and cleanup went fine, but we got started a little late because the Terminex guy was here for my mother-in-law because we have spores under the house that need to be cleaned out. He tried to get over $700 from us tonight and left at about 6. Idk why he was out that late and I didn't know anyone was going to be here when I got home. After dinner I started to unwind for a bit by playing World of Warcraft with my husband, our friend/my adopted big brother, and our two other friends. But then my mom came by unannounced to bring a book and some pants that I already told her I didn't want/if she was going to force them on me, to wait until after the yard sale because my closet is full now. So I had to get off and listen to her until my husband got her to leave by saying it was time for our walk. Well that worked and the walk got started 30 mins late, but we did it. I remembered my medicine also 30 mins late while my mom was here, but 7:30 isn't horrible when I gotta be up at 7. Now I got on here to let out the energy and emotions of my raw nerves while I let my legs rest from the walk. I need to get in the shower next and hopefully I can fall asleep by 11sh so I get my eight hours in tonight. Hoping PTO accrues quickly. I think I get 2 hours per pay period, so I should have a whole day come mid November. I can hardly wait for that. This weekend is my dad's birthday and the Razorback game, but other than that, I plan on sleeping! I'm responsible for dinner tomorrow night and I'm pretty sure I'm going to do meatloaf!

scary dreams!
that is not much seroquel, when do you take it?
bizi

That sounds like a very busy day. Glad you got your walk in.

I take it before bed, but last night I decided to go back to taking it 12 hours before I needed to be awake because I have been having trouble staying awake the past two weeks and I was afraid of possibly falling asleep on the job
Also, my Zoloft got bumped up to 100mg around the end of July and I've noticed the extra sleepiness started around the same time. And yes, the dreams.
I've been less emotional and no paranoia like I had a time or two between coming back from my vacation and upping my dose. I'd say I've been 'happy' with just lazing around like I did last week, aside from feeling guilty that I should be doing something more productive or feeling frustrated that I either slept through some of the time I had to play WoW last week or just chose not to because I didn't want to sit up at the desktop and wanted to curl up on the bed instead. I'm not sure if the change is helping at all with the anxiety and depression aspect of it. I'm also afraid to change anything else because who knows how much worse things could get. And things now are not ideal, but bearable if I have to do it. I almost feel like I should wait for emergencies to change anything again so soon after last time.

I quit smoking marijuana just over 9 weeks ago. I thought it was supposed to make me feel better, not worse. They say marijuana causes anxiety, but now I don't have it to help me relax and feel calm. I still feel anxious. I could really go for a bowl or a bong rip right now with friends that help me feel safe, but I'm trying to better myself and my family line instead. I hope it will be worth it. We never know who is lying and who is telling the truth these days.

And Damn it all. I'm sitting in the dark on my bed and I just wanted to play my Cross Stitch app for a few minutes as I fall asleep, but my tablet's WiFi is messed up now. It worked fine this morning, but not it is not connecting because it wants the password again or something. It wouldn't be hard to fix I think, but then I would have to go back in the other room where the light and the tv and my husband and our big dog are. And this was my time to desensitize and unwind! I swear someone or something out there does not want me to relax before tomorrow lol. I'm still sticking with it! I'm going to have to be fired before I give up after being shoved this far along. Take that life!

people can take up to 300mg of seroquel to sleep at night.
so you have a lot of leg room.
bizi

I take it before bed, but last night I decided to go back to taking it 12 hours before I needed to be awake because I have been having trouble staying awake the past two weeks and I was afraid of possibly falling asleep on the job
Also, my Zoloft got bumped up to 100mg around the end of July and I've noticed the extra sleepiness started around the same time. And yes, the dreams.
I've been less emotional and no paranoia like I had a time or two between coming back from my vacation and upping my dose. I'd say I've been 'happy' with just lazing around like I did last week, aside from feeling guilty that I should be doing something more productive or feeling frustrated that I either slept through some of the time I had to play WoW last week or just chose not to because I didn't want to sit up at the desktop and wanted to curl up on the bed instead. I'm not sure if the change is helping at all with the anxiety and depression aspect of it. I'm also afraid to change anything else because who knows how much worse things could get. And things now are not ideal, but bearable if I have to do it. I almost feel like I should wait for emergencies to change anything again so soon after last time.

I quit smoking marijuana just over 9 weeks ago. I thought it was supposed to make me feel better, not worse. They say marijuana causes anxiety, but now I don't have it to help me relax and feel calm. I still feel anxious. I could really go for a bowl or a bong rip right now with friends that help me feel safe, but I'm trying to better myself and my family line instead. I hope it will be worth it. We never know who is lying and who is telling the truth these days.

And Damn it all. I'm sitting in the dark on my bed and I just wanted to play my Cross Stitch app for a few minutes as I fall asleep, but my tablet's WiFi is messed up now. It worked fine this morning, but not it is not connecting because it wants the password again or something. It wouldn't be hard to fix I think, but then I would have to go back in the other room where the light and the tv and my husband and our big dog are. And this was my time to desensitize and unwind! I swear someone or something out there does not want me to relax before tomorrow lol. I'm still sticking with it! I'm going to have to be fired before I give up after being shoved this far along. Take that life!

It's morning and I'm not anxious at least. But I'm feeling like a zombie, slow, slurred speech, shuffling around and fingers not quite doing what they're supposed to. I figured out how to describe it finally, it's like my brain stem and spinal column are halfway sedated or anesthetized...except I can feel it like dead weight sort of. And my brain feels dry and unlubricated. I went without coffee or any caffeine today because yesterday I had some to try to fix the zombieness, and I guess it did to an extent, but by evening I was so revved up that I did not want to have to deal with that again tonight. Husband says I can have wine with my shower again tonight. I'm just chilling out in the car right now because she said I could get there between 8:30 and 9. And I brought my earbuds for the computer training, so hopefully I can just tune everything else around me out, but somehow hopefully stay awake until I can leave for lunch. I think I'm just going to drink lots of water like someone else on here suggested so I have to see every hour.

I made it to lunch without falling asleep. My spine still feels numb. I wish it would wake up and start holding my body and head upright without me having to specifically concentrate it. I got a Healthy Choice in the microwave, but if I have time after I eat, I think I'm going to curl up on the floor at my husband's work in the back office which is where I came to have lunch.

Well, I really screwed up last night. Yesterday afternoon was a bit better than the morning. I didn't feel like a drugged zombie, just an extremely tired person. So my husband and I decided I would try taking my meds as soon as I got home from work. Well I went to pick him up after I got off at 5, but his boss ended up holding him late. I stayed there until 6 when he told me he didn't know when he'd be done. So I went to run the errand we were going to do and took the milk and frozen food I bought home. It was 6:30 when I got home and I was really hungry by then, so I took my medicine and ate pizza rolls that I have been craving for over a week and some pretzels. Then he called me at 7 and said he was done, so I went back to get him. We got back probably around 7:30. When he got back he was acting a bit crazy from working 11 hours and he doesn't always eat like he's supposed to. So he and his mom got into an argument continued on from earlier and yesterday. He tried to get me in on it by saying when she's like that, can I cut in and stand up for him. I was too tired to deal with anything by then, so I said I'm going to the bed to 'read'. I went and didn't even finish a chapter, which is like 5 pages in this book. I'm pretty sure this all happened by 8. I was passed out good. So no shower or exercise. But the good news is this morning, I feel just an average amount of tired, like the amount of tired I was when I had to wake up early to go to high school. I feel confident about making it through to lunch, and I might even attempt to be social with people at work if I see them.

It doesn't sound like you really "screwed up". You didn't freak out screaming and crying, right? You just went to bed early. That's not so bad. At least that's what I gathered, I could be wrong. But try not to be too hard on yourself. You're still human, even if you're dealing with an illness. Everyone has to go to bed early sometimes.