A slow implosion

Does anyone feel like they're in a cycle of slow implosion? Of course, we all have good days and bad, but as the bad days pile up, they slowly chip away at my resistance and I begin to lose hope. Perhaps a slight change in routine or a lack of discipline causes these relapses, but who is to know? Or maybe it's some form of nefarious depression that sneaks up on me.

Lately, I've been super-manic. My mind has been racing and I've told a number of people that I can't keep thinking thinking thinking all the time. I just want to quit it all - the job, paying the bills, going to the doctor, worrying about this and that. I can get up on the mountain, conquer my shortcomings, linger for a while, and gaze out at the horizon. It's living out the old advice I got early on. "Let it come to you. Stop forcing it". Well, if I let it come to me, it just runs me over!

All I seem to feel internally and anger and despair. I only feel contentment when I'm not working or not at home......I'm off doing what I want to do, always alone. Sure, it's selfish, but it is a supreme defense mechanism and the only way my engine slows down. I feel free and accomplished. I know that's not the way the world works but getting off "the wheel" is critical for me. The coping mechanisms don't seem to be working but then again, am I trying hard enough? And, as I "try harder", I just put more pressure on myself to try harder. Or do I focus too much on the bad? I almost feel like BP will eventually eat me up. I'm not suggesting I am quitting, but what I'm concerned about is that my "form" of BP is just going to get me in due time.

I have days where I feel exactly the same way.

Yeah I've had days where I've been going a mile a minute and then start that slow slide into depression. Usually I talk to my pdoc and get my meds adjusted. Also go to T because he validates my feelings and lets me talk about them.

I can very much relate. I too feel that my illness will win in the end. Try to hold onto hope....even if it's just a sliver. (((Hugs)))

Oh my.....I went to therapy from Aug 2012-July 2013 just to "try" to deal with the question of why me? Right when I "thought" I laid it to rest my racing thoughts center on that question.When I'm going through mixed my mind brings it all back. I start to wonder what will be the end result. I question if I have the strength to do this for the long haul. I feel like this is a life sentence. Then I start thinking about everything I lost to the condition. How tired I am of doc apps, meds and dealing with damn insurance companies..worrying about if I'd have the money to buy meds when I had no insurance. I completely understand what your saying.I'm about to start a support group again. You could look for one in your area. Also you could make plans for yourself to have some "me time". I was dealing with mania/mixed earlier....it was terrible. I had my aunt watch my young daughter. Then i went to my pdoc to get a PRN. Now I'm home in the peace and quiet alone. I can breathe again...I'm not angry and crying. I was mad as a junkyard dog

I know the feeling too well. I find it important for me to talk to someone who understands something of what I go through so there can be atleast someone to understand, I find if I do that I feel a little better, then I can sort of ride the rest of it out.

You just read my mind, my friend

Yes, I understand. Right now I'm going through a situational down time because of a lot of stressors, but these can trigger episodes. Right now I only feel slightly ok (but still full of anxiety and sadness) when alone, and can't stand the idea of being at work or with others at the moment. That said, I reach out to others and sharing how I'm feeling helps somewhat.

I wish you well. I hope you can manage to distract yourself from all of the thinking, it can be a vicious cycle, which I've been in, and it's not selfish to want to be alone and to be alone. You have to do what you have to do, whatever works for you is best. I'm so sorry you're going through this awful time.

I have family members on my side but they only "mean well". They don't necessarily understand and I've sort of gotten the impression lately that people I talk to don't want to hear it anymore. I have problems they can't fix. Thus, I feel like I'm the only person that can take care of business. The people in my life don't have the answers. They only see the result of my madness and don't question or understand the behavior. Perhaps they see BP as an excuse and I always feel like they're waiting for me to snap out of this "phase" and move on with my life. With the exception of my dad, most people in my life are worn out.......and I really can't talk to my dad because my mom will make it her business to butt in with her "advice" about how I need to manage my budget, raise my children, do my job, make decisions, etc. Of course, this just adds to the frequency to which I bang my head off the wall.

This, too, shall pass.