My life sucks

boogiesmash · Oct 15, 2016, 10:52 PM

Every weekend I sit at home alone with nothing to do. For the past year I have been broke barely able to make budget. I'm trying to claim bankruptcy but haven't been able to pay off the lawyer. In fact only have made one payment.
I'm alone and been single for longer than I could imagine. I'm fat lost my figure, lost my way. I used to be a beast in the gym, now I'm lucky if I make it once a week. I'm depressed. I don't want to get out of bed. Their is no point.
I don't want to live like this anymore. I try affirmations, I try to think of my positive qualities. I think those qualities died and I'm just existing. Their is so much I want to do, want to be in a relationship, finish my degree and get a better job, be financially sound. I'm hurting.
I don't know if this is what my pdoc warned me off. She said I will feel down, cause she is taking me off of cymbalta and onto pristiq. I'm just so lonely and it hurts so much. Every time I miss the gym or mma class it hurts and I feel guilty. Every time,r I buy out of budget I hurt. Missing this wedding today hurt, but to be honest I don't know if I'd be in so much pain as the wedding last year where I was all alone.
I set my alarm for 6 with the hope I go to the gym and have a good workout. I want to look good again. I set goals such as benching 300 lbs by February and squatting four hundred and getting into a size 36 waist. But I have done nothing to get there.
I read a book how to be a badass, one thing that stuck is be what you want to be. In other words be the change you want to be. If you want to have a body builder physique do what they do eat right, eat protein, socialize with others at the gym read books on lifting magazines. I think that's the way but I also want to have a life. So do stuff that people with lives do. Go out socialize, be friendly, be funny. I think I still have those traits but when it's time to come out it doesn't.
I tried affirmations and I do feel good sometimes. I want to show the world how great I am, but I don't think I even love myself. I hate what I became. I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to be fat, I don't want to have no life, I don't want to be broke, I don't want to be single, I don't want to be like my father, I don't want to be me anymore. I want to be the me I see myself as. Fit, personable, friendly, financially sound. I want to enjoy xmas this year and have a special someone to buy a gift for besides my family. I want to have a date for my best friends wedding. I don't want to be alone.
Sorry to ramble but I need to get this out.

Oct 15, 2016, 11:18 PM

I'm so sorry you are struggling so much. I can really sense your frustration and sadness. I think there is one good thing I can point out and that is you seem to have a plan to make things better. I know how hard it is to make changes when you are feeling so low, but try to start slow and build. Little by little and given time, you can reach all your goals which will most certainly add to your overall happiness level. Don't give up, don't give in. Like my 16 year old likes to say "never surrender"

Oct 15, 2016, 11:51 PM

You can do it! You're doing better than me when I'm depressed. I'm too depressed to post or even think of the things I want to accomplish. Remember, bipolar cycles. This will pass. You won't feel this way forever. You can accomplish anything you want. I believe in you!

MusicLover82 · Oct 15, 2016, 11:53 PM

I agree with Elsa, baby steps! Try changing one thing at a time. I like the author SARK, who talks about taking baby steps. For example, if you intend to go for a walk, first go in your closet and get out your walking shoes and put them somewhere where you will see them. Then, pick out some gym clothes or something comfortable to wear for walking and lay it out. Next, I would put on some really energizing music. If you still don't feel like going for a walk, call a friend and talk about it. Maybe your friend will want to go walk with you. That's just an example and some ideas.

I have a gym buddy, and I wouldn't go if it weren't for her. It really helps to know I have someone counting on me to show up in the mornings. Maybe you can try to find a gym buddy (on Facebook or something?).

As far as the depression goes, make sure your pdoc knows about it. You shouldn't have to suffer. HUGS!!!

wiretwister · Oct 16, 2016, 12:26 AM

I have been there ... two things saved me ... meds (I got lucky) ... and something to look foward too ...

I hang on to that dream as if my life dapends on it ... because it does ... many days are hard ... but I always have that carrott out there that I can see and chase ... it is my only reason ... my only desire ... my heart ... my very soul .... I found mine ... I do not know what yours might be ... but I do know it is out there ... I believe it ... sometimes that little sliver of dream is enough ... it's a start ... starting is the hardest part ... I pray and hope you can find yours ... I will not give up on you ... if I can you can ... Tigger . 첫 번째 단계는 어려운 것이다

boogiesmash · Oct 16, 2016, 09:26 AM

Does my life really suck or am I'm the one making it suck? I woke up early and rearranged my living room which has been a mess. It is still a mess but the placement of the furniture looks more logical. Threw away a bunch of. Garbage and went to the store again cause they were having a sale on Snapple that I want to hit two more times.
I just took a flexeril for my pinched nerve and probably take a nap. Afterwards if I get my teams football game watch that if not do what fit people do work out intensely, meal prep, cook the chicken I have marinating in balsamic vinegar, and cook a post workout meal of fish and veggies. I think these are goals that are obtainable. Maybe finish cleaning up the living room as well.

boogiesmash · Oct 16, 2016, 09:26 AM

Also revive my workout thread.

Fuzzybear · Oct 16, 2016, 09:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wiretwister

I have been there ... two things saved me ... meds (I got lucky) ... and something to look foward too ...

I hang on to that dream as if my life dapends on it ... because it does ... many days are hard ... but I always have that carrott out there that I can see and chase ... it is my only reason ... my only desire ... my heart ... my very soul .... I found mine ... I do not know what yours might be ... but I do know it is out there ... I believe it ... sometimes that little sliver of dream is enough ... it's a start ... starting is the hardest part ... I pray and hope you can find yours ... I will not give up on you ... if I can you can ... Tigger . 첫 번째 단계는 어려운 것이다

(((((((((( Tigger ))))))))))

st0psign · Oct 16, 2016, 10:44 AM

its okay.. I hate my life too

fishin fool · Oct 16, 2016, 10:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by boogiesmash

Does my life really suck or am I'm the one making it suck? I woke up early and rearranged my living room which has been a mess. It is still a mess but the placement of the furniture looks more logical. Threw away a bunch of. Garbage and went to the store again cause they were having a sale on Snapple that I want to hit two more times.
I just took a flexeril for my pinched nerve and probably take a nap. Afterwards if I get my teams football game watch that if not do what fit people do work out intensely, meal prep, cook the chicken I have marinating in balsamic vinegar, and cook a post workout meal of fish and veggies. I think these are goals that are obtainable. Maybe finish cleaning up the living room as well.

Never underestimate your surroundings and your living space.
That has a big influence on the way you feel.
I know the placement of your furniture means a great deal.
Also if you can stay motivated (I know not always easy) to keep your place
neat and clean you will always feel better when you are home.
I know that always helps me anyway.

boogiesmash · Oct 16, 2016, 03:54 PM

Bit better cleaned up some threw some garbage away and Giants won. Giants win always makes me happier.

Cocosurviving · Oct 16, 2016, 04:08 PM

I know it is a struggle to stay motivated to go to the gym or work out period. I use to go to the gym. Now I'm down to just walking my dog. I'm also trying to get back on track to meet my goals. Please know that you are not alone. I like MusicLovers82's idea I kinda do that. I do not have anyone to call and go with me (my daughter would usually be at work) but that's what I was doing when I would go to the gym.

Unrigged64072835 · Oct 16, 2016, 04:12 PM

Hoping you can turn this bummer of a period around.

boogiesmash · Oct 16, 2016, 04:15 PM

Off to the gym in a few. Turning out to be a not so bad dAy.

boogiesmash · Oct 16, 2016, 04:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cocosurviving

I know it is a struggle to stay motivated to go to the gym or work out period. I use to go to the gym. Now I'm down to just walking my dog. I'm also trying to get back on track to meet my goals. Please know that you are not alone. I like MusicLovers82's idea I kinda do that. I do not have anyone to call and go with me (my daughter would usually be at work) but that's what I was doing when I would go to the gym.

The gym used to be my second home. I think it was one of the traits that I loved about myself I would always find time to sneak a workout in. Even if I didn't sleep much and was tired my focus was clear and off to the gym I went. I want that mindset back.

Coffeee · Oct 16, 2016, 05:36 PM

I'm glad that you're feeling better...

Oct 16, 2016, 06:36 PM

I think I kind of understand. I used to be really fit. Worked out 5 days a week for at least an hour. I was like that until I was around 30. Then slowly started gaining weight. Fast forward to now and I'm really out of shape. Have a hurt back and walking more than 5 minutes hurts. It sucks. But I remember how I loved working out. You're getting there. I admire you for it. Try not to beat up on yourself on the days that you miss. Just start fresh the next day. So happy you're feeling better.

boogiesmash · Oct 17, 2016, 08:46 AM

Today sucked. At work they were talking about the wedding how everyone thier was with someone and how much fun they had. I got pretty sad ended up taking a sick day and get home and my cable is suspended due to 400 dollar bill that I can't pay off now.
So right now I hate life and how much this is sucking. I have 5 dollars to last me till the end of this week and after my negative bank account is restored I have 6 hundred something. I don't want to lose it all by paying my cable bill but then again I also have a car payment. I just want to take a few flexeril and not wake up. I can see why I'm single no girl would want a loser like me. I can't keep myself afloat. And as much as I try to budget something comes along the way and f$:;s it all up.
I don't want to ask my friend who I constantly borrow from. He has been a godsend. Now I'm thinking of my best friends wedding in February. I don't want to be sad I want to enjoy and celebrate his marriage but I don't want to be alone. The last wedding I went to everyone said how depressed I was. I was sitting at the bar by myself staring at my beer. I'm a fn dude I shouldn't be feeling this way. How did it get to this point. I don't want to wake up I just want this pain to leave me. They said their is no progress without struggle, well I've struggled long and hard and I'm still a loser I haven't progressed anywhere who the f has 5 bucks to last them a week. Wtf am I suppose to do in my house with no cable internet for maybe a month till I can figure it out. Sigh I just want this to end.

Coffeee · Oct 17, 2016, 11:22 AM

That is terrifically hard. I feel for you in your situation, I hope you can make it through the week!

Sometimes just focusing on one day at a time is helpful for me because things change and the situation might be different by the time your best friend's wedding rolls around!

Bipolarchic14 · Oct 17, 2016, 03:20 PM

Use this time to your advantage and hit the gym! Idk how you a re doing in general at work with functioning but is it possible to take a part time job for the holiday season to get caught up.