To most of you this post will make little sense. I posted a thread last night. I'm not entirely sure what I posted and it's been removed for which I'm grateful. I don't think it would even be healthy for me to read what I wrote right now.

I talked with my husband last night and it seems I'm not firing on all pistons right now. I probably never am but last night left like I was in a nightmare I couldn't awaken from. I think I attacked and verbally abused people and I'm so, so very sorry for it. I can't even read through my posts right now because I fear it would do me more harm than good at the moment. I think I slung erroneous accusations out to several people here and for that I'm deeply regretful. It's not you, it's me. Most likely. I'm very confused right nowm but there are no excuses. I'm trying to do better with these things and thought I had a grip.

I thought I was manic but I slept over 8 hours last night. I think this is all PTSD related. I woke up energized and heart is just pumping like crazy and it feels like it's ready for war. I am in a war or sorts....it just happens to be in my mind.

In my past I was gang attacked on several occasions. Brutalized and tormented by groups of friends and strangers. A broken nose and slight disfigurement was the worst of the physical but you wouldn't notice my nose if you just met me, only if you knew me before. I am left with disfigurement of the mind which most people see if given time. This is the worst.....I'm shaking just thinking about how I've been ruined and destroyed in such a vital way. This doesn't excuse my behavior but perhaps it sheds some light. I get paranoid about being attacked.....it just happens and I don't know how to stop it. It's called ideas of reference.

I assure everyone I was not drunk last night.....wish I were because that would make more sense to me than what the reality appears to be.

I am so very sorry for what I may have said to you.....if I hurt you. I'm so very confused about this and hope I can be forgiven. Sorry to any mods who had to deal with my mess....just very, very sorry.

[Fuzzybear]

you've always been kind to me... I think you're a good person trying their best (nobody here is perfect )

I'm sorry you've been so horribly abused IRL, you deserved none of that

(The scars left from abuse, on the mind can be the worst, I agree, the physical brutality often heals )

[TishaBuv]

I'm glad you are feeling a little better. I wrote with you a little last night, recognizing you were not in your right mind. You weren't rude at all. No apology necessary. We're all dealing with trauma and illness.

[bioChE]

Thanks for posting this. It makes more sense than the other thread, and let's us know you're better than you were.

Good luck with what you're dealing with now, I hope it works out well for you.

Thank you Fuzzy....you have always been kind to me too. (((Hugs)))

Thank you for chatting with me Trisha...I do remember chatting with you last night but not specifics. Thank you for helping and I'm glad I wasn't hostile with you.

When I last chatted with you, you were kind. But did seem confused. PTSD stuff is really hard. If you ever want to pm me you can.

Hi Rose....I remember chatting with you and you bringing a sense of calm to me. Thank you for that. Yes, I do think the PTSD stuff is a serious challenge for me. Thank you for not holding last night against me and for the offer of future support. ((Hugs))

[~Christina]

(((( hugs ))))

I have no idea what that thread was nor does it matter.

I think this has happened to damn near everyone at some point or another, it happened to me recently.

Your apology was wonderfully written and even if it wasn't your taking responsibility and that can be tough for us Bipolar's lol

No worries and I hope that life settles down for you quickly.

Feel free to PM me anytime

No problem Elsa.

[Victoria'smom]

I was worried about what you were going through last night. I'm glad you're feeling better.

[LucyG]

I'm glad you're feeling better.

Don't worry about your post last night. Forums can be very stressful places as the most innocent comment can be taken wrong, and you end up flamed. I get it a lot, and have seen it happen to others.

Given your circumstances, I probably would've posted a similar thread, so don't feel bad. You were struggling and looking for help, and I know that everyone has their ways of coping.

And honestly, you didn't come across as "offensive" or anything close to it. You seemed flustered, if anything... and I think most people could tell. But that's not a bad thing. We're all here to help.

Thank you MM and to everyone who thanked, hugged or responded. This morning I was so scared I'd lost this place as a "safe" place to talk about my issues, help others and vent. The fear was so terrible I could barely get myself to log on. I'm glad I did.

I feel so bad for my husband but he was so great at calming me down that I could never show him the amount of gratitude I have inside. I'm so glad this happened late and my kids were spared the confusion and chaos. My youngest son doesn't even know I'm really mentally ill and I prefer to avoid that confusion for him now. i am scared and embarrassed but also very thankful for my family and my PC family. (((Group hug)))

[DechanDawa]

You are very lucky you have such a wonderful spouse! Also, you seem to have built a very solid reputation on PC as a kind and loving person. I have read and enjoyed your many wise and thoughtful posts. I think I may have read the post you are referring to. I felt something was off and trusted moderators would help. No worries. I have definitely gone off myself. The moderators are always kind and gently suggest I take a break from PC when it seems I am being too triggered. In my mind this is what makes Psych Central a "safe haven" and I hope it will be yours forever. Moderators are gentle and wise, and it seems it would take a lot for someone to be permanently banned. I think you have a lot of supporters, and I am one of them.

You guys are really making me cry here....like puddles of grateful tears. Thank you DD....I hope I add more good to the board than bad.

[hopeless2015]

You absolutely add more good and I'm glad your here!!

[raspberrytorte]

Happy you're feeling better, elsa! Don't worry about your post. It wasn't offensive. I could tell something was wrong.

I knew you weren't well because your posts were so different than usual, but you weren't rude, just very afraid. I was worried for you. And the great thing about the mods here is that they have MI too and can relate. You didn't offend or upset anyone, and you're always welcome here. I'm so glad you're feeling better. Big hugs from England

Tears of joy guys....tears of joy! You don't know how grateful and RELIVED I feel from your posts. Thank you for reminding me the mods have MI little cat. That makes it much easier when I look at it from that perspective (((hugs)))

I'm very sorry to anyone I may have worried or triggered. ((Hugs))

[bioChE]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I'm very sorry to anyone I may have worried or triggered. ((Hugs))

Elsa, you have apologized plenty. I saw the thread you're referring to, and personally I don't think there's a need for you to apologize.

This is a safe place, and ultimately we're all here to help and receive help from others. It's fine that you posted what you were thinking and feeling at the time. I'm glad you got help, and have the clarity you've shown in this thread today. Best of luck as you continue your plan - we're all beside you.

I'm often told I apologize too much....and then I end up apologizing for apologizing so it's really a mess. But you are right, I've effectively beaten that horse within an inch of its life and feel I've said my peace.

Thank you for the support and standing behind me as I delve deeper into the roots of my issues. I've learned so much about myself from this board, from all of you so thank you for being teachers and healers in my life.