[Crook32]

Every fiber of my being wants to end it but I can't because of my kids. The pain had just gotten to be too much. At work a friend said I have been like a zombie ever since getting out of the hospital. My T wants me to call my pdoc but what is the point? All he will do is mess with my meds and we have been doing that for four years. I have been in the hospital 5 times in the last 20 months. Did 2 rounds of ECT. I just give up. I am done with it all.

Originally Posted by Crook32

Every fiber of my being wants to end it but I can't because of my kids. The pain had just gotten to be too much. At work a friend said I have been like a zombie ever since getting out of the hospital. My T wants me to call my pdoc but what is the point? All he will do is mess with my meds and we have been doing that for four years. I have been in the hospital 5 times in the last 20 months. Did 2 rounds of ECT. I just give up. I am done with it all.

I understand....I've given up a number of times but fortunately things do tend to swing the other way in time. Are you safe right now? (((Hugs)))

[Wander]

Hang in there. there is hope. I have been IP 30 times in 6.5 years. Many times it felt hopless to keep trying to fight this illness and that I would never be well. It has been slow progress, gosh I am IP right now, but my admissions are becoming less often and stable periods last longer. (2 months is a major victory for me) My meds have been messed with way more than I can count and i have tried dozens and most were failures. yet, now I finally have a great doctor and after several med changes we are making progress.

If you give up now you may miss out on the best part of your life, the part where you find yourself enjoying life, even despite some set backs and hospitalisations here and there. Do you trust and get on well with your pdoc? how long have you been with them?

[DelusionsDaily]

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. It's hard when it feels like it's never-ending. I really hope things get better.

[Crook32]

I am safe because my wife and T have my pills. I am just so tired of it all. We have been messing with my meds for almost 4 years. They work for a little bit and then stop. Like Klonopin it worked for 1 week and then stopped.

I have been with my pdoc for 9 years. I like him but I sent him a text this morning telling him I am done with all the med changes.

[Wild Coyote]

I am glad you can share openly.
It can be helpful to have family -- a loving spouse and children -- as these relationships can often help us to hang on a bit longer and also often spur us on to keep trying.

I have found I sometimes need a rest from med changes, including during some periods of depression. It's tough to feel severely depressed and to go through added disappointments of med/treatment "failures." Such disappointments can add to the depression.

As mentioned above, I, too, eventually get to a place where I have enough resilience to "try again."

I have also been on both sides -- both feeling very suicidal throughout much of my life, as well as being a survivor of my father's suicide (when I was 12 y.o.). I have felt the pain of having a parent decide to give up and have seen the devastation this causes for family members. While having lived through this does not stop me from feeling like giving up, it does, often, cause me to try again.

I hope you'll keep trying, whenever you are ready to risk another trial of treatment options.

Keep on reaching out.

Much Love to You and To Your Family,

WC

[DelusionsDaily]

I tried meds for 6 1/2 years it was very similar experience. I went off in July and with the exception of recent events things have gone really pretty well. I'm not promoting no meds just has worked better for me. Going off actually decreased my suicidal ideation significantly and to boot there aren't tons of meds laying around when it does come. (I tended to be very impulsive with overdosing)

I understand your frustration but personally I don't know that this is the best time to make a decision to stop med adjustments. Does pdoc realize the state your in right now? And that it is so bad your T and wife are holding your meds? Granted better they have them than the alternative at this point.

Have you heard back from pdoc? Will you hear back from him?

[Nammu]

(((((((Crook))))))))

(((Crook)))

[Crook32]

Pdoc called back and would like me to go back to the hospital. I told him no so then he suggested Ketamine treatments or TMS. I have already done ECT twice so that isn't happening again.

[Wild Coyote]

How do you feel about ketamine or TMS?

I was looking for both of these treatments -- hoping to try one or the other, earlier this year. Neither treatment is available to me within 300 miles. (I have not accessed either treatment. Am getting by with a drastic med change, for now.) I would try either if needed, in the future.


WC

[DelusionsDaily]

Originally Posted by Crook32

Pdoc called back and would like me to go back to the hospital. I told him no so then he suggested Ketamine treatments or TMS. I have already done ECT twice so that isn't happening again.

Just stay safe whatever you decide. I know it's hard but atleast he's working WITH you.

[LadyShadow]

I know it's hard. I was stable for almost 9 years and went right back in the hospital. Sometimes the mind is hard to predict, and when we saturate them with drugs it can be really, really hard.

Whatever you decide please keep posting here, and let us know how you are.

Gentle (((hugs)))

[Nammu]

I've heard good things about ketamine treatments. They are supposed to work very fast. I applied for a study but I was too depressed to follow though and had no one around to help.

[Unrigged64072835]

Hope you find some relief soon.

[Crook32]

I found where my wife was hiding my pills. I haven't told her yet.

[along4theride]

It's good you are reaching out for support. ((((crook)))))

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Crook32

I found where my wife was hiding my pills. I haven't told her yet.

Maybe you need to tell her to stay safe. Are you planning on taking them?

[Crook32]

I hope I don't take them. But it was a very emotional morning explaining to our sons that some people might not see us as a family anymore or that their moms are married anymore. There were a lot of tears this morning.

[Crook32]

Almost called a crisis line last night because I didn't want to bother my T. But the last time I reached out for help like that I ended up with the cops at my door. So I ended up not calling. However I am thinking about doing it today. I emailed my T but I am never sure if I will get a response or not.

[DelusionsDaily]

I've never called a crisis line, definitely not for being suicidal. I only deal with that with T. Call your T and leave a message...email isn't really best form of communication for crisis.

[Crook32]

Called the crisis line at lunch today. I was having a really hard time trying to work. Plus all the side effects I am having made everything worse. Ended up chatting for about 40 minutes. She said she is going to call me tomorrow afternoon to check on me. I was a little freaked out that they had caller id. I had a fear of cops showing up at my door again.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Crook32

Called the crisis line at lunch today. I was having a really hard time trying to work. Plus all the side effects I am having made everything worse. Ended up chatting for about 40 minutes. She said she is going to call me tomorrow afternoon to check on me. I was a little freaked out that they had caller id. I had a fear of cops showing up at my door again.

So glad you called. Did it help? They would only call the cops if you were an imminent danger to yourself or others. I really hope you feel better soon.

[Crook32]

Yeah I guess it helped some to have someone to talk to. I called my pdoc today and he changed on dose of a med. I see him tomorrow so I hope he makes more changes to relieve these side effects. I just feel like I can't function. I went to bed at 7:45 tonight and just got woken up by my kids. Hope to get back to sleep soon.