[Victoria'smom]

I don't want to be on medication. I know I had a rough morning but I truly feel I ruined Christmas and that feels ******. I feel he'd rather me just shut up, take the meds and act fine then be me. He wants my euphoric manic side, the out going me back but that's not going to happen. I'm angry, sad, and hearing things some times. I have 10 days to convince him otherwise. I took a kolotipin Wednesday and after sleeping it off I cried until they got home because they were going to get in an accident. So yes I'm having some hard days but that doesn't mean I need meds. I can make it through this no one believes in me. I know pnurse is going to suggest meds, T wants me on meds, and now even DH. T thinks I'm setting myself up for the hospital. It's ridiculous that it's going to come down to meds or the hospital just because no one trusts me. How can I get out of this and convince them no meds? I'm willing to temporarily use meds but not life long. I so just want to give up and SI but that's proving them right.

[Misssy2]

I don't know your story...but you sound very upset.
How can you ruin Christmas when it isn't even here yet?

I'm like you. I don't like meds either...my boyfriend was just saying that i never give them a long enough chance. NO..I don't because they make me feel crappy.

[Skeezyks]

Sometimes I think I should be back on med's. My wife never says one way or the other. I don't see a T; & I only see my pdoc a couple of times a year at this point. So far, I continue to convince myself med's aren't necessary. They're expensive & they've never been that helpful anyway. And, since they'd be going into my body, I consider that it's my decision whether or not to take them... no one else's.

[Victoria'smom]

I spent my son's whole budget on 2 games when I could have got that and other things if I got it on black Friday. Now he only has 2 things to open and the other child has a ton to open.

[venusss]

Christmas is not about opening gifts. He has two nice games.

My mom likes to tell a story how I was young child and all family wanted to pamper me on Christmas. So there was "lots of stuff to open". But when it was all opened, I was overwhelmed... so I went and played with a BOX one of the gifts came in.

Not sure how old your son is.... my Christmas is more about... the atmophere. Lots of the gifts, especially if it's little pointless nothings, end up discarded before year is over. Give him memories.

Why don't you find interesting Christmas traditions from other cultures and have some fun with it? Play little future telling with pouring wax into water, make sailboats of wallnut shells... enjoy the magic.

[stefmcdee]

I know what you mean about not wanting to take meds. I have been off for about 6 months. I just talked with my doc about restarting though because I reached a point where I think I need to be back on them. I think in the past I reach a point where I am taking too much and it causes me problems. I'm going to talk to my doctor about keeping me on the lower side of treatable dosages. Then I should be ok. I will still have my swings but I feel like I am more aware of myself whenever I'm on a little something. Good luck to you in whatever you decide. I'm sure that Christmas will be great if they are games that he really loves! If he is older I don't think he will care about quantity over quality.

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I don't want to be on medication. I know I had a rough morning but I truly feel I ruined Christmas and that feels ******. I feel he'd rather me just shut up, take the meds and act fine then be me. He wants my euphoric manic side, the out going me back but that's not going to happen. I'm angry, sad, and hearing things some times. I have 10 days to convince him otherwise. I took a kolotipin Wednesday and after sleeping it off I cried until they got home because they were going to get in an accident. So yes I'm having some hard days but that doesn't mean I need meds. I can make it through this no one believes in me. I know pnurse is going to suggest meds, T wants me on meds, and now even DH. T thinks I'm setting myself up for the hospital. It's ridiculous that it's going to come down to meds or the hospital just because no one trusts me. How can I get out of this and convince them no meds? I'm willing to temporarily use meds but not life long. I so just want to give up and SI but that's proving them right.

I'm sorry you are in such a state. It's your body and your decision. It sure does seem you have lots of people very concerned and your sentence about wanting to self harm or SI is very serious. Sometimes the sicker we are, the less ability we have to see the whole picture. On the flip side, when well we can often be the best judge of our needs. I have no advise but just want you to be safe and happy. 2 presents is more than enough. My kids will probably get one each from my husband and I. Would I like to give them more? Of course, but they have plenty already and all their basic needs are met along with lots of love. Christmas is too commercialized and we are made to believe we must spend, spend, spend in order to have a quality Christmas. This just isn't true. 2 gifts is more than many will receive this year, including likely my own kids. In my area they have charities where people adopt families and buy them presents and food cards for a nice Christmas. I've adopted families in the past and it not only helps the family receiving, but gives pleasure to the giver as well. Maybe they have such charities in your area if you and your family cannot afford a good meal and few pressies. (((Hugs)))

[Victoria'smom]

I'm notorious for not seeing how sick I am. I hate worrying people but don't want to feel pressured to take meds. I feel like I'll do it for others when it should be something I choose to do for myself.

We can afford dinner and he has those two presents but the major problem is we celebrate with DH family So there's my son (14) and my nephew (8) both open gifts together but my nephews gifts are cheaper because there not games. Last time something like this happend he told my son it was because he wasn't a good kid and my son believed it. He's older now. I asked him if he wanted me to risk it return his gifts and go out black Friday but he said no. I still feel bad though. I don't feel we need charity but I'm mad I mishandled the money we do have. I

[~Christina]

Hey,

You have been down this road many times.

You admit you can't see how bad you are when in the middle of a shift, most of us all struggle with exact thing.

Knowing you for years ? Yes I do think you need meds to live the most productive life and stability for yourself and your family.

Gifts and mismanaged money ? Yes yes yes ! We Bipolar types often struggle with managing money and deciding how to get everything done and not drop too many balls in the process.

You often go on meds and then you find baseline ..... You get bored about ..... Sure baseline isn't fun like hypo/mania.. Of course it's going to feel boring , but ..... Here comes the part about being a wife, mother and just finding happiness in yourself. Of course it's not easy to find it and realize life isn't always a hellish mess of ups or downs. Baseline can be a fantastic place to be, beats crying and wanting to SI.

If the games are still unopened and Miguel doesn't know about them... Return them , he doesn't HAVE to get both. I think Christmas revolves to much around gifts and geeez they get more and more expensive. Want to know what one of the best Christmas's I had? I was 11 , my parents just didn't have money for presents, ( I didn't know it) my mother made my brother and I numerous stuff animals and she made our favorite breakfast and we had our normal Christmas fest. That green stuffed cat was literally the best gift I had ever been given !!!! As I got older and realized what happened and why I got that green cat , it amazed me that I did I fact love it more than the giant Barbie house I got the year before, as Venus mentioned ...start traditions, memories don't always cost lots of money!

I'll say it again , I know your probably sick of me saying this ... But.... I still believe that if your married, parent.... Whatever ... You do what you need to that will allow your family and you to enjoy life. If someone is single by all means they can do whatever there want.

If I decided to just let myself go twirling off into episodes and be selfish, yes that would be hella selfish of me, my husband doesn't deserve to put up with me all over the place just because I want to just do my own thing, he supports me fully and has driven me to the hospital many times when I need it. But if I intentionally didn't give a damn ? He would / could and should be upset. I love him and our grown kids, so I feel I need to do whatever possible to keep myself healthy. Yeah it gets boring sometimes, but hey neurotypicals do fine with " boring " which is not boring , it's just life , life is what you make it.

[Victoria'smom]

Sorry if I don't make sense my head is sweralling with thoughts. I'm worried that if I don't go back on meds they'll eventually hospitalize me. I don't think DH will leave me right now. I don't think I'm that bad or that meds help that much if not just make things worse. I'm bored in general now. My husband seems stressed I wont leave the house because he thinks meds will take away my fear of driving. Like meds will fix all my fears. Yes I have bad days but I'm comfy here for the most part. I know my husband isn't happy with me but he's not on meds either. I don't feel I'm healthy on meds. Everyone is telling me to give pnurse a chance. I guess I owe it to them to give her a year. They want me around, there lives are fine without me though I stand in their way by not letting them drive as much. I'm not being heard because I'm unwell.

I'm not going to return the gifts he promises to be happy with what he got. It was buy two get one free so I got him 2 games and DH 1 game. They're already wrapped and at SIL house returning them I'd have to drive an hour and a half to get them and last time I drove that I cried all the way home. I just have to deal with the mistakes that I have made. I think he'll enjoy his Christmas because his grandfather will be there.