[Victoria'smom]

I don't think I'm bipolar but I am a *****. Every sound, everyone is bothering me. All I want to do is get away but then I'll be bored and I'm destructive when I'm bored. How do I deal with this? I really don't want to be a ***** but it just naturally occurs. If I'm not busy I'm thinking of ways to destroy myself how do I prevent destruction of self?

[Moose72]

I get like that too. You may need your meds adjusted.

Hi Miguel's mom, Yes, this is me lately: "I don't think I'm bipolar but I am a *****. Every sound, everyone is bothering me. All I want to do is get away but then I'll be bored and I'm destructive when I'm bored. How do I deal with this? I really don't want to be a ***** but it just naturally occurs." BUT in my case,I have finally realized that I AM bipolar. And I've never seriously tried to off myself, although I have thought about it a lot (not lately, though). Here's how I figured out, once and for all, that I am bipolar and not just a ****** At 1:00 a.m. a couple of nights ago, I remembered that at age 16, we students in high school English class were required to memorize a soliloquy from a Shakespeare play, then recite it privately to the teacher at her desk. (This is how English was taught in the 1950s and it was great! I loved my teacher, and I still love English.) Anyway, I chose a very, very depressing soliloquy from Macbeth. I googled it that 1:00 a.m., and saw my extreme depressive mood -- when I was only 16!!! That convinced me. I'm working on getting med adjustments. I've been stable for periods of years, so I hope we hit on something this time that works for a long time.

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I don't think I'm bipolar but I am a *****. Every sound, everyone is bothering me. All I want to do is get away but then I'll be bored and I'm destructive when I'm bored. How do I deal with this? I really don't want to be a ***** but it just naturally occurs. If I'm not busy I'm thinking of ways to destroy myself how do I prevent destruction of self?

How do I prevent destruction of self???

Please call your doctor MM. This doesn't sound good. (((Hugs)))

[Victoria'smom]

I don't have a pdoc well pnurse until next week but I am taking notes for her. I see T Monday and pnurse Tuesday. My last T I took notes for wanted me IOP first time she saw them. I'm afraid they're going to hospitalize me because I'm destructively bored.

[otroo]

See I'm bipolar and a A hole so I am good to go. I know I am bipolar but it has only been the last few years that I realized I need to take poison to keep myself from being locked up.

[Victoria'smom]

How do you change being a ***** when it comes so naturally?

I'm not usually a biltch at all but I can be a super big one when manic and paranoid. If I'm being a biltch, it's a good sign something is off. Would your family agree this is normal behavior for you?

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I'm BP and since I'm newly sober, I've become a huge *****! And about being sensitive to sound, I get that way when I'm getting manic. [trigger] last time this happened, my cockatoo kept screeching throughout the house and I got so irritated I had thoughts of harming her. I was scared to be alone with my pets. I got into pdoc early and an increase in seroquel put me on my *** and brought me down, while sleeping for two days lol. And even when I am stable, I'm a asshole lol. When I'm stable I'm bored and my moods are flat. No smiling, or crying. I just have to settle with that I guess.

But MM, I've read your last few threads and I do think going back on meds will be good for you. It sounds like you're in denial which often happens with most BP people. Please get in to see your nurse and find a pdoc. I really hope you feel better. I know exactly what you're going through. Look, I don't do anything. I sit in front of the tv on my phone so if you ever need to PM to talk about anything please feel free to reach out.

[Victoria'smom]

I am going to go back on meds, just because I want to use my prn all the time and that's not like me. I don't feel I need them as I don't think I'm depressed anymore. I don't know what to say to get the help I need. If I even need help. I'm just so angry my heads no longer spinning though.

Based on some things you've said on PC recently have me thinking you are depressed plus more and need some help. I really do think you need the help ((((hugs))))

[fairydustgirl]

MM, I've seen you here for a really long time (2013), I know we go back and forth so many times about our diagnosis but I do recall about this time 3 years ago you were not doing so well. Taking your notes to your T should help them figure out how to help you. I've been in that boat so many times, questioning the diagnosis, as so many of us here have. Please take care of yourself
For what it's worth, I never have thought you were a 'b', naturally or not

[Wanderlust90]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I don't think I'm bipolar but I am a *****. Every sound, everyone is bothering me. All I want to do is get away but then I'll be bored and I'm destructive when I'm bored. How do I deal with this? I really don't want to be a ***** but it just naturally occurs. If I'm not busy I'm thinking of ways to destroy myself how do I prevent destruction of self?

Wow I feel like I wrote this once. Sorry your feeling this way.

It's common to question the diagnosis. Be sure to get some help. You deserve to feel better. (((Hugs)))

[Victoria'smom]

I told my T I'd be there Monday. I'm taking notes for her because I'm not going to remember two weeks worth of mood swings.

[Row Jimmy]

I wondered about the same thing for years. I just didn't understand bipolar so I couldn't make any connection until someone told me about it.

Find things to do that keep your interest. Exercise is good - that's "alone" time that's also good for all sorts of things. I also think mindfulness is critical. I'm at this crossroads right now. I'm trying not to obsess about BP but I need to keep reminding myself to be a nicer, less intense person without losing my "edge" so-to-speak. It's a tricky balance.

[Wander]

IP might be helpful if that's what your nurse and/or pdoc recommend. You shouldn't have to live feeling this way. A med change may help you calm down and be less of a ***** as you say you can be. When I am mixed I am awful to be around.

[JustJace2u]

I'm just a complete f**k up. I've ruined my life and the lives of those around me. Some days I just feel as if I'm better off dead.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I don't have a pdoc well pnurse until next week but I am taking notes for her. I see T Monday and pnurse Tuesday. My last T I took notes for wanted me IOP first time she saw them. I'm afraid they're going to hospitalize me because I'm destructively bored.

You went IP before and it wasn't a bad terrible place. You got a huge amount of help and felt good for the first time in a long while.

IP isn't like going to weekend spa. But it's dam helpful and life saving when needed.

Taking notes to see you're T is a great step in advocating for you're self.

IP is a great place to go when you're unwell and feeling destructive.

Why not go outside and take a walk, Sunshine might perk you up a bit.

Take care

[jpb4815]

MM I too wonder sometimes if I am just a class a A$$hole and not Bipolar, then an episode like what happened to me this summer comes along and I end up on the psych ward. And it is all made clear to me, I am both. I have to take my meds to stay well, and I have to work on my mindfulness and understanding of people in order to not be such an Ahole to people.

Christina has some great advice, getting outside does wonders for our bodies and souls even if it is not sunny out. That natural light performs miracles.

[Victoria'smom]

I'll try a walk today. I normally wouldn't because I get paranoid walking on my own but I woke up in a good mood. maybe I'll wait until DH gets home. I don't feel I need IP. If I did feel so I'd go myself. I've done it before with push from PC. I don't feel I'm unwell just a raging *****. Is meds the only way to stop being *****y? DH says I'm doing good at hiding it so that's good. If they make me go it's because they don't know me but I have no choice I wont go involuntary.

[Row Jimmy]

Originally Posted by JustJace2u

I'm just a complete f**k up. I've ruined my life and the lives of those around me. Some days I just feel as if I'm better off dead.

Not true, my friend. I spent 30 years pissing off everyone around me and screwing up a bunch of stuff. Careers. My health. My marriage. My obligations as a father. My relationship with my parents. But now I'm starting anew and people are happy I've turned the corner. The change is like a glorious light we never saw before.

Remember - we didn't know what was wrong. There was something wrong. Why did I drink to a point where I passed out in my driveway? Twice. Why did I threaten someone because I thought they stole my dope? Why did I act like that? I'm not an idiot. We're all good people who have unlimited capacity. I just needed someone who knew the deal to tell me what was up.

There is redemption.

[SvanThor]

Go to a doctor. They will know whether or not you're bipolar.

[JustJace2u]

Originally Posted by Row Jimmy

Not true, my friend. I spent 30 years pissing off everyone around me and screwing up a bunch of stuff. Careers. My health. My marriage. My obligations as a father. My relationship with my parents. But now I'm starting anew and people are happy I've turned the corner. The change is like a glorious light we never saw before.

Remember - we didn't know what was wrong. There was something wrong. Why did I drink to a point where I passed out in my driveway? Twice. Why did I threaten someone because I thought they stole my dope? Why did I act like that? I'm not an idiot. We're all good people who have unlimited capacity. I just needed someone who knew the deal to tell me what was up.

There is redemption.

Thanks for this. I just wish life wasn't so damn hard.

Originally Posted by SvanThor

Go to a doctor. They will know whether or not you're bipolar.

Not just "any doctor." A psychiatrist. I had a nice post here that accidentally got zapped. What it said was that my bro was dx'd by a regular doctor decades ago, with major depression, from a 20 question form!!! He finally is seeing a psychiatrist (pdoc) and the new pdoc says maybe he has never had major depression at all -- maybe it's anxiety disorder. That was my dad's problem,and dx anyway.

I, too, was misdiagnosed -- by an incompetent pdoc! Yes a psychiatrist only saw me in a depressive state for one, one hour interview.She dx'd me with depression. My great pdoc 20 years ago spend TWO HOUR INTERVIEW then dx'd me with bipolar disorder.

Please find a pdoc who is very familiar with bipolar disorder, and has a lot of bipolar patients. A lot of docs actually LOVE bipolars and love having us as their clients/patients.