Bipolar manic episode

Hi!

My boyfriend's psychologist thinks he might have had a Bipolar Manic Episode. I'm having a hard time figuring out how to be there for him. I'll give you a little detail about our relationship in hope that you'll be able to point me in the right direction.

I'm 31 years old and he is two years older. We started dating about a year ago. Things were going well in the beginning. He used to joke that he needs to put a small rock in his shoe so something would bother him. We come from a different background and I knew it was going to be a problem for my family. Going into it, I didn't expect much. I've dated many guys for a two-three month period and we would go our separate ways. I've also been in two long term relationships that didn't end in marriage. First was him not wanting to marry me and the second was me not wanting to marry him. After dating my boyfriend for six months, I told him that I loved him. He said he loved me too and was happy I finally said it so he doesn't have to hold back. I haven't told my parents anything about him because I knew they will be against it. I told him I wanted to make sure this is it, before I say anything to my parents.

He spends a lot of time with his family and wanted me to do the same. I didn't feel the need to be spending time with his family. I attended his dad's birthday party and his parents' anniversary dinner. They have a lot of family events and I didn't feel like going to those. He felt that I was avoiding his family even when I really had other things going on. I work in public accounting, so from January to April 15th I hardly have time to sleep. The free time that I do have, I spend with my own friends and family.

Fast forward to August, we went on a nice vacation to Mexico with my sister and her boyfriend (his good friend). We had a great time there. He joked about proposing to me. When we go back, his niece's birthday was in August and I missed it because of an unforeseen event in my family. (My cousin ended up going to an emergency room while travelling and I had to go to the airport to get her the following day - day of the birthday party) I didn't think much of it, as an emergency situation took priority over a party.

Around this time I introduced him to my mom and she wanted nothing to do with him. She insisted we break up. She withdrew from everyday life and closed herself into the bedroom for three weeks. Giving me silent treatment, starting fights... I stood my ground. (I live at home for financial reasons - I help my parents with their bills as they earn minimum wage only. I'm capable of living on my own and supporting myself) Finally, we both decide that it's for the best if I tell her that we broke up, to give us time to figure out what to do. Me moving out is a priority.

His nephew's birthday party was in September and I didn't go to that party because the Prime Minister was in town and the group I volunteer with was meeting with him. Again, to me that was higher priority and I didn't think he was going to get upset. Well, he got upset! We were actually at the mall shopping for anniversary gifts - 1 year - and he stormed out of my car when I told him I won't be going. I was surprised by his reaction. He brought up me missing his niece's birthday and how upset he was over it, that he couldn't forgive me. During the argument I couldn't remember why I missed her party. I figured it our later and messaged him and he apologized for being wrong. Regardless if he was right or wrong, it's that he was upset and used it against me in this argument. We didn't talk for a few days, including the anniversary. Ended up not giving gifts to each other - Nothing! About a week later we went out to dinner and he wanted to take a break if I didn't do the things on his list. He had a list of things he wanted me to take care off and we would see each other only 2x per week to work on that list. The next day he apologized and said that he shouldn't have acted the way he did. We didn't talk for a few more days and met again. This time talked for 4-5 hours. Once he got home, he sent me a text that he is done and apologized for not saying it in person. So I drove to his place, asked him if he loved me and told him how much I loved him and said that we'll figure it out if we love each other. We decided that we'll work on me moving out and go from there.

I started my search for a place- Do I buy or do I rent? Area? Budget... In his mind I should be doing the search much faster. While in my mind, I don't want to make any sudden decisions and regret them later. I wanted to buy, he wanted me to rent... We decided I'll rent.

I don't know where the two of us stand. He has pulled back. He is no longer the loving, caring boyfriend that I knew. He has said some mean things and I've seen a side that I've not seen before. I'm working on the moving out part, but I'm not sure that we'll make it. His repose is that he'll be loving and caring once I move out and stand up to my parents. I'm questioning if he is worth the trouble that's about to happen. If he really loves me, would he really be withholding love from me?

Come November and he's deep into reading about these situations....next he is reading about starting up a business and so on... He is not sleeping much. It's affecting his daily life. He's late for work, appointments... I told him that he needs to do the reading in his free time and not let it affect his everyday life. He tells me that he's had a spiritual awakening. I don't even know what that is. So, I go home and read about it. Next he is telling me about voices he's hearing... about how we are meant to be together, that we'll change the world... A train passes and it has a meaning to him; a helicopter circles around the neighborhood and it upsets him; he wants to talk away from electronics... His behavior is worse and worse. Finally he calls me, his parents and best friend for a meeting and asks us what we think about the changes he is going thru. We all agree that he needs to see a professional. He agrees to it, but it took about a week to get him there.

I tried to act normal around him and invited him to dinner with my friends. He parked in front of my friend's house and decided to drive away. I called him to see why and he said that there was suspicions activity and started yelling at me - how he is going to break up with me, that I need to be honest with him, to tell him the truth. I managed to get off the phone and I called his parents. There were days when he was very nice to me and days when he was very upset with me. At one point I was afraid of him. I had never seen him talk to me using that tone, that anger. His best friend stopped by to check on him, and I felt saved. During this time he wants everyone to be honest and good. He doesn't want to accept any gifts and we should not accept them from anyone. I got a business gift that he wouldn't let me bring inside. I had to leave it in the car.

He started spending nights at his parents and that seemed to help him. He saw his regular doctor and the doctor thinks he is just fine. He said that the doctor said "We all go thru those episodes at some point." He saw a psychologist once and she thinks he might have had a bipolar manic episode. He'll see her again, but the appointment is two weeks apart due to the holiday.

During this phase he has told me countless times that he'll propose to me soon. When I met with his parents to discuss the change in his behavior, his mom was curious about our relationship and when we'll be getting married. His dad's focus was on getting him better and to talk about marriage at a later time. His mom was surprised when I said that he started talking about marriage way too early and that I wasn't ready to talk about it after six months of dating. She got married to his dad after only two months of dating and she couldn't understand why I thought it was too early for us to be talking about it. His parents are also of different backgrounds and his dad understand my situation very well. When his mom told her parents about his dad, she told her mom that she loves him more than them and she doesn't understand why I don't do the same. Also, when things were good his parents kept asking him when we are getting married and his mom was saying what kind of wedding they would like for him. That upset me originally, but I didn't say much at the time.

He is blaming me for his situation. His parents and his best friend are also blaming me. When I saw him yesterday, he said he felt better and that we need to resolve our relationship situation. After everything I went thru with him, I expected him to thank me for being by his side. Instead, he was upset that we weren't intimate lately, that we were only like friends and upset that I didn't find a place. I asked him why he thinks we haven't been intimate lately and his answer was because he had an issue with his head. As far as finding a place, I used all my time and energy to be with him and help him get better. So when my answer was that I was nurturing him, he said that maybe it's time I start nurturing myself.

I don't understand that if he is better, why would he be attacking me like that. Maybe I'm wrong. But from my perspective, we both just went thru something very difficult. I feel that I showed love, care and support by being by his side at a difficult time.

Maybe I'm a terrible girlfriend and it's my fault that he went thru this. I haven't accepted that responsibility yet. Do I think it was stressful? Yes. Do I think that there is more to his episode? Yes. But I don't know. I'm not a doctor and I have never had anyone I know go thru something similar.

I don't know whether to stay or to leave. If he is still not better, I would stay. But if this is the real him, I don't want to be in this relationship. I loved the man he was before. I'm asking for your input based on your experiences and expertise.

Thank you!!!!

Hi STLgirl. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you are having challenges with your boyfriend. It is not easy dealing with mania if that is what he has.

Here are some articles that might be of interest

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-bip...-your-partner/

Being Married to a Person with Depression or Bipolar: 6 Survival Tips | World of Psychology

What Happens to Love in a Bipolar Relationship | Bipolar Beat

8 Ways to Help Your Bipolar Loved One Cope | World of Psychology

Hello STLgirl: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

From everything you've written here is sounds like he was indeed manic. The mania made him see you and others as threats. He was very scared and it was very real for him. My heart breaks for him because I know this pain all too well and suffer from nearly identical thinking patterns when I'm in an episode.

With that said and out of the way....you have done NOTHING wrong. You were a good girlfriend and supported him when others would have ran away in terror. He should be thanking you but it sounds like his perceptions still aren't right. And some people cannot apologize. I know many people who simply cannot do it. Some people cannot even see when they are wrong unfortunately.

I go through manic/delusional episodes very similar to yours. My husband is a trained mental health professional and his mother has bipolar....so he is very understanding of my illness. But my illness does hurt him. Last time I was delusional, my husband cried for days repeating "I just want my wife back". It was so very hard on him. Not everyone can be there for someone who is truly mentally ill and I don't blame them. You need to do what is right for you. If you decide to end this relationship, it would be understandable and courageous. You need to take care of and protect yourself. But if you think you have what it takes to stand by this person and love and support them for a committed lifetime, then I admire your courage, strength, ability for unconditional love. You have my support no matter what you decide. (((Hugs)))

I also want to let you know that some people with BP still have reamaining symptoms once they are technically stable. Going through the horrible delusions your boyfriend went through will likely continue to effect him. It's very traumatic stuff and it creates symptoms even while not technically in an episode. Whether or not your boyfriend and you stay together, I hope everyone who cares about him will encourage him to get the help he deserves. With treatment you MIGHT get your old boyfriend back. With this illness there are no promises though. Unfortunately (((hugs)))

Thank you so much! I've an appointment scheduled with his psychologist today. Hopefully she will be able to help me deal with the current situation and going forward.

Thank you! Those are very helpful.

Keep us posted. This could be a valuable story for someone.

I'm a St Louis girl myself!

It sounds like your mom has some mental health issues as well. Giving someone the silent treatment for three weeks and going out of her way to start fights doesn't sound healthy, regardless of the relationship you have with your boyfriend.

I would find a new place if that is something you truly want for yourself, not to simply please him.

It sounds like your boyfriend experienced a legitimate manic episode. The things that I have said and done during my manic episode were not a reflection of who I really was, and it wasn't my normal personality. That being said, it took me a good two years to process what happened and develop stronger coping strategies.

It sounds like you have done everything you could to support your boyfriend during a trying time. I was dating someone who had a bipolar episode but he blamed it on his alcoholism. He tried to get help but ultimately couldn't follow through on what the doctor wanted. We ended up breaking up because he wasn't taking care of himself, and I had to put my daughter's well being first. Four months later, he died from an overdose.

You're in a tough spot because your boyfriend may not be in a place where he can recognize the amount of support you've extended him. But if he doesn't practice a commitment to getting better and taking his therapy seriously, then he may remain in that place where he isn't giving you what you need.

Continue posting and I wish you the best with your boyfriend's recovery.

Thank you all so much!

I had a session with the psychologist yesterday and told her my life story. I've scheduled another appointment for Monday. I'm hoping that it will help her in treating him if I go as well.

I got this text from him yesterday:
"Honey as you know I've been on an emotional roller coaster last few weeks and I have to make some changes in order to keep my sanity!
I love you very much!!
1. We won't see each other until you decide to be official with me(FB and all)
2. If you decide not to make it public that's ok, just return my 🔑
3. If your parents are against this and you still want to be with me than keep the key and move in..
I love you and this is non-negotiable!"

I responded with:
"Hi honey! I'm sorry for the stress our relationship or lack of has put you thru. I want you to know that I love you and that I am committed to doing my part in order for you to get back to normal.
I didn't answer your text earlier because I wanted to have my session with Mary first. I saw her tonight and I have another appointment on Monday.
Our relationship decision is not just my decision. If you want us to be together I'll need you to continue seeing Mary or someone else until you get to the bottom of what happened and why. We can speculate but none of us are medical professionals.
I love you and I want what's best for our future."

I answered this way because I don't think he is fully recovered yet.
I can't say I'll move in with him at this time. This is a big decision and I don't want to make it under pressure or out of guilt.
I can't go and fight a battle with my parents when I can't handle the stress at this time. He's not well enough to support me thru that battle. I'll be all alone if I chose that path!
And I didn't want to give the key back as I didn't want to leave him at a vulnerable time. I really wanted him to continue going to the psychologist a he has had only one session.

He responded to my text with:
"Hi!
I am getting better!
I will see Mary or anyone else for that matter, but if you are truly committed to our future than start speaking up for yourself!
Declare your independence.. don't hide our love, do the things you fear.. say the things you mean and for ****s sake stop seeing people as Muslims, Christian's or whatever else.. we are ALL THE SAME!!!!!
I'll tell you what happened to me..
this was a warning to me for not being true to myself and my beliefs..
From now on all I'll look at is action, words are meaningless!
Btw I'm seeing Anna in the 7th..
Action or this relationship is dead...
Have a nice day!"

I'm not talking to him anymore as he is mean to me. I wish him the best, but I need to look after myself too. I've never divided people based on their religion, ethnicity, race, or sexual orientation. I still remember one night when I was out with my friends and I was filled with joy when I realized how diverse our table was.
I've always told him that I love him as he is and do not want him to change. I do stand up for right and wrong and I think there are people that do good and bad things. I speak my mind!

If my sessions with the physiologist can help his treatment I'll keep going for as long as needed.

STLGirl,

Ok, so you're parents don't approve? Does that have to do with someone being Christian and someone being Muslim? Is that a factor in not going public with your relationship? Or at least, is that the way he sees it?

Yes - my parents do not approve and therefore I haven't told them. Religion does play a very important role for my parents. He comes from a mixed family and therefore doesn't practice anything. He read about many different religions and finds them all to be fundamentally the same. I haven't asked him to be a specific religion as I like who he is as a person. My parents have an issue with it, but I don't.

That is the reason we are not officially on Facebook. I have my parents on Facebook and since I haven't told them about him, I can't make our relationship public. Honestly, I don't even care to have it on Facebook. I don't think that the 1K+ people need to know who I'm dating and the status of our relationship. But yes, the main reason is my parents.

I saw him on Friday. He contacted me and I stopped by his parents' house. For the first time in a long time I felt like I was talking to my boyfriend. We just clicked! It was great! The following day wasn't bad, Sunday was horrible.

Sunday was my birthday and he forgot about it. It's OK that he did. I understand that he has been thru a lot. Once he realized that he did, he wanted to see me. I saw him that night and he had a gift for me. We had dinner and my sister joined us too. During our conversation he got upset and got up from our table, leaned over and got into my face while yelling at me. We left the restaurant and I drove him home. During the drive he calmed down and wanted to have small talk. By the time we reached his house, he wanted to kiss me goodnight.

It has been a very difficult month! I'm trying very hard to get him to see a psychologist again. He doesn't think that he needs to. He thinks that he is recovering just fine.

I think he needs two things: meds and time.

Here is an update:
He broke up with me tonight. He said he thought about it and that I would need to completely change in order to be with him. That he loves me but this relationship is no longer him and he needs to be true to himself. He wrote me a breakup letter in which he said he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me but that nobody is perfect. He continued to say that I have internal and external issues to work on and that I should take time to work on those.

I told him that I respect his decision and when he was done telling me how he will be there for me if I ever need him, I simply said "thank you! Shall we?"... we got up from the table, he gave me a hug outside and we went our separate ways.

How did I feel while he was breaking up with me? It took a lot of strength to say the few words I did. I was fighting back tears. It also made me very upset when he said that I would need to change in order to be with him.

I cried once I was in my car. I went thru our pictures when I got home and I miss who we used to be. Part of me thinks that this is for the best and the other part misses him.

It is concerning that he is giving you an ultimatum. He's obviously not stable yet. Listen to your gut. Don't let him force you into a commitment if you are not sure about.