[1278]

So after I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I'm either (hypo)manic, mixed or severely depressed. I can't seem to find balance. Its like walking on a tightrope and I'm trying not to fall off but I'm failing. The thing is I can't remember what 'normal' is, but then again I never was, I've always suffered from clinical depression and then diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I sincerely envy people who have never suffered from mental illness, I find myself bitter and angry but it's worse now because of my constant episodes. How do you know when you are stable? I can't seem to understand what my 'normal' is.

[Wander]

Think I am stable right now (after horror episode so a bit fragile) so I will give it a go. For me being stable is being able to feel a wide rage of emotions in a healthy way. For example I may tear up significantly sharing moving lyrics with a friend. Or, I feel a sense of well-being that doesn't fly into euphoria. When I am in an episode my emotions are deeply impacted, as is my mood.

I guess what makes up my normal periods is 'me'. My normal is not going to be yours. I rapid cycle so I understand what it is like to feel like you're going into and out of episodes so often it can drown out the stable bit in between. Actually, I used to be a lot more unstable and my episodes seemed to just run off each other. But over the last two years I have made progress and the 'mess' is being cleaned up leaving me with less episodes and more stable time in between. Now this is still at least five (e.g.hypo-mixed) with each episode lasting a total of about 6 weeks. So, yeh that is over half my year unwell and a bit more recovering.

But then I still get to be stable more than a few years ago. Having this time stable has helped immensely in getting to know myself, my 'stable', 'normal' self. Maybe you are not getting enough stable time yet to know. Hang in there. This could be a bad run and your stable days are around the corner. Do you have any ideas as to why you might be unwell so often? e.g. another illness like PTSD.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Just try for happy moments. Life is full of pain.
We enjoy ourselves sometimes. Petting a kitten.
Watching a sunset.

[Faltering]

It's hard to find that balance with bipolar disorder, although periods of normal mood states do occur naturally. I think stability is where you can describe your typical mood as "good" or "fine," yet at times you still experience slight mood shifts in response to environmental triggers. The moods are mild, not extreme like we so often experience. You also wouldn't get carried away in either direction. For me, I know my mood is on the milder side when coping strategies help to alleviate it. More elevated mood changes are difficult to control without medication and tend to stick around longer.

[Trippin2.0]

When my emotions and moods are not impacting my life. That's stability for me...

[JustJace2u]

After a severe bout of depression that landed me in the hospital last week I finally feel somewhat stable. I'm still dealing with some raw emotions and feelings, but like others have said, doing so in a more productive and healthy manner. I tend to practice deep breathing when my emotions kick in.

[1278]

Originally Posted by Wander

Think I am stable right now (after horror episode so a bit fragile) so I will give it a go. For me being stable is being able to feel a wide rage of emotions in a healthy way. For example I may tear up significantly sharing moving lyrics with a friend. Or, I feel a sense of well-being that doesn't fly into euphoria. When I am in an episode my emotions are deeply impacted, as is my mood.

I guess what makes up my normal periods is 'me'. My normal is not going to be yours. I rapid cycle so I understand what it is like to feel like you're going into and out of episodes so often it can drown out the stable bit in between. Actually, I used to be a lot more unstable and my episodes seemed to just run off each other. But over the last two years I have made progress and the 'mess' is being cleaned up leaving me with less episodes and more stable time in between. Now this is still at least five (e.g.hypo-mixed) with each episode lasting a total of about 6 weeks. So, yeh that is over half my year unwell and a bit more recovering.

But then I still get to be stable more than a few years ago. Having this time stable has helped immensely in getting to know myself, my 'stable', 'normal' self. Maybe you are not getting enough stable time yet to know. Hang in there. This could be a bad run and your stable days are around the corner. Do you have any ideas as to why you might be unwell so often? e.g. another illness like PTSD.

I haven't been diagnosed with PTSD but I do suffer from severe anxiety, the problem is it keeps getting worse. I'm taking xanax and it's doing nothing when before just 0.25mg could knock me out for the whole day.

[Unrigged64072835]

I've been somewhat stable for about six months now. I still have highs and lows, but they're not as overpowering. It's strange that I don't have that go-go-go energy, but I'm glad I'm not camped out on the couch either.

[LadyShadow]

I have just emerged from a week of "Bipolar Hell" That for me is what you just described. When I come out of it I usually know. To me the stability is just a laid back feeling in which I can actually take a breath and just "be" It's when I can stop in the middle of all the madness and just relax for once.

Originally Posted by 1278

I haven't been diagnosed with PTSD but I do suffer from severe anxiety, the problem is it keeps getting worse. I'm taking xanax and it's doing nothing when before just 0.25mg could knock me out for the whole day.

"Normal" is a tricky one. I'm rapid cycling, so I find it very, very difficult to figure out what's "normal" and what's not. Like you, I tend to always be in an episode!

Sorry to hear that Xanax isn't doing anything for you.

Have you tried propranolol or buspirone before? If not, try talking to your pdoc about one of those two. Some people have a lot of relief from both meds. Or, you could try a Xanax dose increase or a different benzo? Though, because benzos don't do much for you, another benzo might not help... but I'm no doctor.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

When my emotions and moods are not impacting my life. That's stability for me...

This is how I see it too. Then time just goes by and I don't even think about being sick and nobody treats me like I'm sick. Good times.

[Nene873]

My "normal" is like being able to see life with a wide angle lens and feel a wide range of emotions. I'm also less impulsive but, ironically, my "normal" causes more discussions at therapy because of that wide angle view - and those wide ranges of emotion, I have more incoming information to experience compared to when I'm depressed or manic. When I'm manic or depressed, I really don't care about what's going on around me, I'm focused on what's happening in the mania or depression and the real world continues on as it is while I'm in my own space. But, "normal" presents what's happening all around me and I see it, experience it, think about it and have to process it.

I was unstable for a number of years with rapid fire cycles one after another before I had any stability and when I finally had a prolonged period of stability, it required just as much therapy to make the adjustment as the cycles did because of the difference in the kind of experience I was then having. I had to handle real time, as they came life situations without depression or mania distracting me from them. I had to learn how to handle stress and decisions without the cloudiness and confusion of mania and depression.

I'm sure what I've said is confusing because I've read it and it sounds confusing but the best way I can describe it is that my "normal" is again, like being able to see everything with a wide angle lens and feel a wide range of emotions and I have a lot better impulse control.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by 1278

I haven't been diagnosed with PTSD but I do suffer from severe anxiety, the problem is it keeps getting worse. I'm taking xanax and it's doing nothing when before just 0.25mg could knock me out for the whole day.

The anxiety, as a separate disorder, would definitely be messing with the way your bipolar manifests. This could be why it appears to you that you have no break, no 'normal' me to be found. Are you being treated by a T for the anxiety? There are many tools that can be used to at least bring it down a notch or two. Getting the anxiety under control may be the key here, at least for now. Severe anxiety is hell, esp when the meds are not helping. Have you ever tried a Beta-Blocker? They lower the blood-pressure and heart-rate and can be more helpful than benzo's. These are just a few ideas. Talk to your treatment team. It is possible to find stability. A complex situation may require a complex solution and time but hang in there. Things can get better.

[1278]

Originally Posted by Nene873

My "normal" is like being able to see life with a wide angle lens and feel a wide range of emotions. I'm also less impulsive but, ironically, my "normal" causes more discussions at therapy because of that wide angle view - and those wide ranges of emotion, I have more incoming information to experience compared to when I'm depressed or manic. When I'm manic or depressed, I really don't care about what's going on around me, I'm focused on what's happening in the mania or depression and the real world continues on as it is while I'm in my own space. But, "normal" presents what's happening all around me and I see it, experience it, think about it and have to process it.

I was unstable for a number of years with rapid fire cycles one after another before I had any stability and when I finally had a prolonged period of stability, it required just as much therapy to make the adjustment as the cycles did because of the difference in the kind of experience I was then having. I had to handle real time, as they came life situations without depression or mania distracting me from them. I had to learn how to handle stress and decisions without the cloudiness and confusion of mania and depression.

I'm sure what I've said is confusing because I've read it and it sounds confusing but the best way I can describe it is that my "normal" is again, like being able to see everything with a wide angle lens and feel a wide range of emotions and I have a lot better impulse control.

I do see where you are coming from, when I'm manic /depressed I just focus on those emotions rather than the big picture and trying to engage in the world around me as well.

[1278]

Originally Posted by Wander

The anxiety, as a separate disorder, would definitely be messing with the way your bipolar manifests. This could be why it appears to you that you have no break, no 'normal' me to be found. Are you being treated by a T for the anxiety? There are many tools that can be used to at least bring it down a notch or two. Getting the anxiety under control may be the key here, at least for now. Severe anxiety is hell, esp when the meds are not helping. Have you ever tried a Beta-Blocker? They lower the blood-pressure and heart-rate and can be more helpful than benzo's. These are just a few ideas. Talk to your treatment team. It is possible to find stability. A complex situation may require a complex solution and time but hang in there. Things can get better.

Thank you for the suggestions, I was thinking of taking a beta-blocker but now I've made up mind and will speak to my pdoc. At the moment I don't have a T, the one at my local hospital, (I live in a rural area) already knows me in a personal capacity so I can't see her. I'm on the waiting list for a T that's a bit closer to home (my previous one was 2 hours away) as I don't drive.

[Gabyunbound]

I think some people's 'normal' isn't necessarily feeling 'good.' It could be mild depression, for example... Or one's normal could be high energy and not needing a whole lot of sleep. For some, it will basically be 'content.' it just depends on what kind of person you are and the gamut is endless. Bipolar is always about extremes.

I know for me it's constant, unrelenting anxiety (which disappears when hypo) and relatively low energy (which disappears when hypo). Depression is never my baseline, I'm not depressed unless in an episode. My constant companion these days is anxiety and the rest are episodes, luckily few and far between at this point in my life; I finally found the right combination of meds for me.

[fairydustgirl]

for me, I wasn't treated for my anxiety issues at first so it was really hard to find that 'sweet spot' so to speak, it was 4 years before I was given klonopin...what I notice is that anxiety is like putting gasoline on the episode fire and it expands exponentially. so what might have been a mild episode that I could deal with becomes a huge thing that has put me in the hospital once and come very close two other times. I was having episodes twice a year lasting about 3-4 months until I could get back to a 'normal'...functional is a better word...state. my understanding of new studies of bipolar is that even between major episodes we are still suffering some symptoms, mostly cognitive. although I have read that each subsequent episode of depression causes some damage to our brains. a huge reason to prevent the manias, esp for those of us who crash after the manic time.

[Nammu]

To me stability is being able to feel and express feeling apropos to the situation.

Personally I think benzos make everything worse

My anxiety is here high
Then I take a benzo
Anxiety drops down low
The pill wears off
Anxiety goes up higher that it was
Take a pill
Anxiety goes down but not as much as it first did
Pill wears off
Anxiety goes up higher than before
Take pill
Anxiety drops but even less than the last pill
Pill wears off"..............ect

Eventually the pill drops anxiety to a higher level than I started with and I'm anxious all the time. I found a doc who agreed with me and switched me to propranolol. My emotional liability is much more stable now and in my control not at the mercy of a pill.

[fairydustgirl]

Originally Posted by Nammu

To me stability is being able to feel and express feeling apropos to the situation.

Personally I think benzos make everything worse

My anxiety is here high
Then I take a benzo
Anxiety drops down low
The pill wears off
Anxiety goes up higher that it was
Take a pill
Anxiety goes down but not as much as it first did
Pill wears off
Anxiety goes up higher than before
Take pill
Anxiety drops but even less than the last pill
Pill wears off"..............ect

Eventually the pill drops anxiety to a higher level than I started with and I'm anxious all the time. I found a doc who agreed with me and switched me to propranolol. My emotional liability is much more stable now and in my control not at the mercy of a pill.

I understand, a friend of mine is physically dependent on xanax, he gets seizures if he misses more than a couple of doses, has to take it 3 times a day. and if he is late he definitely dips moodwise, he is schizoaffective bp type.

I think the antidepressant helps some, the way I described it to my dr was that stability is a line and I always felt just under that line, once I was treated for the anxiety specifically it helped take me over that line. but I don't take kl unless it's a big thing...I have had my prescription last so long that I had to get a new rx in order to get another bottle because I never refilled the original one and the refill date expired.

[venusss]

For me it's not about typically defined stability, but about being able to handle my moods and emotions and states.

[st0psign]

I think my "normal" is a slightly depressed mood, that's where I am most often when I'm doing okay in life. if I feel good at all there are problems and I'm irritable at minimum. the longest I was doing okay since I was a teenager was when I was about 22, I felt "normal" and was doing well in school and with relationships (no romantic ones at the time) for about 14 months. other than that my life is usually a living hell, and I want out of it. but there is no way out.