[hopeless2015]

I was doing so good and bam...depression hit me again today. I'm trying not to beat up on myself to bad but it's a struggle today. Right now I'm at home in bed and I'm just telling myself this is a blip in the road and I'll get back on track tomorrow. That's my plan anyway. Sigh...

[rwwff]

Everyone of you rapid cycling folks have my greatest sympathies. I'm feeling pretty level now, very mildly driven, but ok, and pretty much myself. But the ride this week as the depakote finally dragged my mind out of uncontrolled land to the here and now; hypernuts, then confused, then just incredibly angry, and that finally spent (finally...half a day or so..), to a world that is just the world.

I can't imagine getting stuck in a cycle like that, over and over, and definitely not if it included depression. My best wishes to you all.

That said, I definitely have to say, with a confident smile, next time I go in in a couple weeks, "Woot! I'm cured!" (it does kinda feel like it though)

[Unrigged64072835]

Did two loads of laundry and put the dishes in the dishwasher away. Wrote two poems. That's it, other than getting frustrated at a book because I can't find the lesson files. They're not where the book says they're at.

[Faltering]

I didn't get my period this month, and Tegretol might be the reason. It interacts with birth control pills. I've also started intermittent fasting and restricting recently though, and that can also affect hormone levels in women. I'm not ready to tell my pdoc about my eating disorder relapse, but I can't definitively say which factor led to my missed period. I'm afraid I'll have to stop taking the Tegretol and be back to square one. It's the only med that has really helped.

[LadyShadow]

Feeling the depressive side of the "pole" hard today. Sleeping more than I should. Feeling better asleep than awake. Just want to sleep and never get up :/

[Wander]

Had a near panic attack last night which was eased by Clonazepam. The anxiety has been getting worse. I am getting paranoid. Also took PRN Abilify (on top of my usual dose) as pdoc recommended when agitated or paranoid or manic, and it helped. Slept ok, about 7 hours. Went for a swim this morning, will play guitar and sing soon then off to work for the evening. Anxious about work as it can get really stressful. Mind is racing. It is uncomfortable and distracting. Hoping to calm down soon and doing all I can to achieve that.

[Moose72]

Hope work goes okay! And glad you're on top of your meds and that you have prns on hand to help!

[bizi]

thank goodness for klonipin!

took a 40 minute walk in the neighborhood with hubby tonight.
He is trying to stay low carb as well.
bizi

I am just glad it's friday

signals the end of another bad week

side note: I don't know why I actually say this, because in reality, it leads in to a bad weekend (and nothing ever changes, so it could actually be the same week)

I guess I say it for something to say

[hopeless2015]

Got myself up and off to work, it is helping distract from negative thoughts for a change. All the girls in the office are going for lunch and I'm going to join them this time. Trying really hard to push myself through the depression right now and I'm trying not to beat myself up anymore for staying home yesterday. It was just one day and today is a new day right!!

[Nammu]

Got my ambien finally! Yesterday I took two and slept from midnight to just past noon. Last night just took one and slept til 11am! Feeling much more rested and loved my weird wacky dreams....yay sleep!

[zijax]

Realizing the extent and length of my depression today when someone asked me about my website. I started on it back in the summer and gave up somehow. I'm an artist with no website. How stupid is that? I don't even know how to begin. I can't even leave the house today. I'm too down. I'm as cold and gray as the sky.

[Unrigged64072835]

Went to PT, and have appointments for dermatology and the dentist. Wrote two poems.

Anxiety was high again. Tired of having this feeling that I'm scurrying around in circles.

[Moose72]

Made it just once and a bit around the mall. Total of 3,800 steps in. I have never made it to 10k. My friend does 15 routinely. So much for exercise. I know one reason I hate showers: I have to see how fat I am.

[MobiusPsyche]

Slept most of the day today because I've been especially depressed since yesterday's session with T. Well, it's not T really, that just made it worse. Anhedonia stinks because there is literally nothing I can do to distract myself temporarily.

[Sad Mermaid]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Made it just once and a bit around the mall. Total of 3,800 steps in. I have never made it to 10k. My friend does 15 routinely. So much for exercise. I know one reason I hate showers: I have to see how fat I am.

I hate showers for the same reason - I have to see and soap my belly, but I am surprised that it is hard for you to make 10K. I make 12-14K on average, and it does not feel like work. Are you sure your device is accurate?

Let me give you an example: I rent plus size clothing from Gwynnie Bee and need to walk to the nearest mailbox to drop off the return bag. That means walking around the block, except that it is sort of a big block, but still - 20 minutes tops. That and incidental walking - to and from parking lots etc. - gets me to 10K. Now that I have written it, I am doubting my FitBit device at it's old (I take it, yours is new). Maybe I should check Google maps to confirm that the device reports the step count accurately?

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Got my ambien finally! Yesterday I took two and slept from midnight to just past noon. Last night just took one and slept til 11am! Feeling much more rested and loved my weird wacky dreams....yay sleep!

I am so relieved to hear this!!!!!!!!!!
bizi

[bizi]

trivia was fun tonight
vino makes it more fun!

still low carbing it and losing weight.
bizi

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Sad Mermaid

I hate showers for the same reason - I have to see and soap my belly, but I am surprised that it is hard for you to make 10K. I make 12-14K on average, and it does not feel like work. Are you sure your device is accurate?

Let me give you an example: I rent plus size clothing from Gwynnie Bee and need to walk to the nearest mailbox to drop off the return bag. That means walking around the block, except that it is sort of a big block, but still - 20 minutes tops. That and incidental walking - to and from parking lots etc. - gets me to 10K. Now that I have written it, I am doubting my FitBit device at it's old (I take it, yours is new). Maybe I should check Google maps to confirm that the device reports the step count accurately?

I want a Fitbit. I have a phone app and my friend doesn't think it's accurate either. He gets more steps than I do when we walk the mall and I have shorter legs.

I have a craving for KFC (at 9 45 A.M in the morning)

oh well. it is far too early to have 1, and I can't go their because of my agoraphobia anyway.

so I guess bring on the candy

I don't feel to bad about it though, because I did have fruit for breakfast (like an hour ago)

Just spent 1 hr trying to resolve one of my stolen credit cards... ugh

$973.78 worth of fraudulent charges charged to my account.

Thank god the card has been canceled and no one can charge anything to it anymore.

[xRavenx]

As usual, I find myself getting a little paranoid about certain people in my life. Maybe paranoid is a strong word, but what I keep doing is reading into every little thing. I'm afraid of falling back into that pattern where I have a lot of self-doubt, always thinking I say the wrong things or come off a certain way....even when all I do is try to be sweet to everyone. I still think they are thinking such things about me and that I am not worth their time.

Even though I wonder if I am being rational or not, I can't get it out of my head that I am annoying everyone, that people don't want to be bothered with me, and that there's something wrong with me. Sorry if I sound like a broken record. I was doing pretty good this week, observing how the higher dose of Seroquel is helping, but today hit me like a ton of bricks. Still trying to stay hopeful that these feelings will pass and that I can feel better about myself and confident about who I am.

[Sad Mermaid]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I want a Fitbit. I have a phone app and my friend doesn't think it's accurate either. He gets more steps than I do when we walk the mall and I have shorter legs.

that explains it.

My FitBit model (the oldest) is relatively inexpensive, but for walking (as opposed to biking-swimming), it does the job very well. It is called FitBit flex.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Sad Mermaid

that explains it.

My FitBit model (the oldest) is relatively inexpensive, but for walking (as opposed to biking-swimming), it does the job very well. It is called FitBit flex.

I didn't know there's more than one type!

[Moose72]

I took my son out today. Stopped in to the fish store. Been there bazillion times but not recently. Asked them what it would take to start a 30 gallon cube salt tank. Turns out that with coral fish tank etc it would be $300-500. My hypo spending side was so close to buying!! I then thought I could wait for my tax refund so we left. Now I just think of how many bills that is. Sigh