[CloserToTheMid]

I posted recently about struggles I was having with a crush. It touched a nerve, and I can see that there is a little of stigma on this issue. So, I'd like to tell the short version of my story.

The first time I cheated was before bipolar was a significant issue. I was very dissatisfied in my marriage. We rarely had (have) sex (couple times a year). We had all kinds of relationship problems. REAL problems, not the crippling delusions that followed. But as mania/depression began to ramp up, something broke in me. I no longer wanted to cheat, but bipolar is a nasty b!tch. I was working on my marriage. We went to counseling. We started having sex more frequently. But I became increasingly more sexual and more impulsive and deluded until I was cheating online, then when my mania exploded I slept with 6 different women in just a few weeks. I believed I was on a mission from God to help these women feel desirable. Literally, a direct mission given to me by God.

Before it happened I visited another church than my own. I couldn't talk to the pastor of my own church, because I was incredibly attracted to her. It was a mega church. Big and dark. Nobody knew me. Afterwards, the minister invited us to meet with his associate pastors for prayer. I found my way to one and pleaded with him. I needed him to pray for me to remain faithful.

We prayed hard. I thought maybe it would be okay. I do believe in God, and I do believe in miracles. But a spiraled out of control very quickly after that and I cheated with a bunch of random women in the course of the next couple of weeks.

This is mania. This is not a moral failing. I know it's hard to understand that, especially if you've been hurt by it. I did not expect my wife to forgive me. In fact, I bowed out when she found out. I walked away and things got even worse. I eventually contracted a bad case of pneumonia. I wasn't sleeping. I was doing nothing but drinking, smoking, and carrying on with strange women. I quit going to work.

My lungs were filling with fluid, but it did not change my behavior for many days. Then one night, it was like a fever broke. I called my wife. She had never wanted me to leave. Her friend, a psychologist, told her that I was probably bipolar and needed treatment immediately. She took me first to the hospital to get treatment for pneumonia. It had been more dire than I realized. She took me home and nursed me in our bed. Oddly enough, she made mad love to me in spite of her great pain. She had thought that she had lost me.

Then came the doctors. Each of them, diagnosis of Bipolar I. Counseling. Medicine. And the beginnings of healing. Our marriage is better now than it has ever been in 22 years.

Mania is not a condition that can be controlled with moral will-power. It needs medical treatment. Right now, I'm in a state of enough mania for this to happen again. That's why I reached out. But I came up with a plan. I cancelled all of my plans tomorrow to see my doctor and to stay away from people as much as possible. He's been treating me for 6 years and this is the first time that he hasn't been able to knock me down. I'm going to have to accept doses that have been very uncomfortable for me. I'm desperate enough, for example, to risk another panic attack because of a high dose of a medicine.

I DO NOT WANT TO CHEAT. But that isn't enough to prevent it. I am open with my wife about my symptoms. She appreciates so much that I can be honest about it.

Break the stigma, friends. An illness is an illness no matter how you feel about the symptoms. I feel that I deserve no less compassion. I need help, not judgement.

[Wild Coyote]

(((((( Daniel ))))))

Peace, Love, Comfort, Joy

To Our Healing,
WC

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by CloserToTheMid

An illness is an illness no matter how you feel about the symptoms. I feel that I deserve no less compassion. I need help, not judgement.

Understood and agreed, and the cry for help and the willingness to accept it help prove the symptoms are not merely results of moral failure.

[CloserToTheMid]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

(((((( Daniel ))))))

Peace, Love, Comfort, Joy

To Our Healing,
WC

there isn't an icon for tears of gratitude

I'm on a break as you know but I just wanted to offer my support and thanks to you for this post. My hypersexuality mixed with lack of insight, impaired judgement and specific delusions caused me a lot of problems in the past before I was diagnosed. And a few small one since being diagnosed but I just didn't understand certain parts of the illness at the time. I've never cheated but this has been luck in a lot of ways. Bring manic in the wrong place at the wrong time could prove disastrous. I'm very lucky I never cheated but I had some close calls I wish I could talk about on here but know I cannot based on some replies made in the past which demonstrated that many with bipolar simply don't have the same lack of insight, delusions and judgment issues I have when manic. They simply cannot understand and I need support, not judgement. I'm very lucky to be married to a man I can be very honest about all of this with. It's so helpful and he understands which is more than I could ask for. I'm glad your wife allows you to be honest too and I wish you all the best. I must avoid certain situations when manic and hypersexual too, so I get that and want to congratulate you for learning about how your illness works for you and designing specific methods to help in your specific situation. Best of luck and support to you and your wife.

[CloserToTheMid]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I'm on a break as you know but I just wanted to offer my support and thanks to you for this post. My hypersexuality mixed with lack of insight, impaired judgement and specific delusions caused me a lot of problems in the past before I was diagnosed. And a few small one since being diagnosed but I just didn't understand certain parts of the illness at the time. I've never cheated but this has been luck in a lot of ways. Bring manic in the wrong place at the wrong time could prove disastrous. I'm very lucky I never cheated but I had some close calls I wish I could talk about on here but know I cannot based on some replies made in the past which demonstrated that many with bipolar simply don't have the same lack of insight, delusions and judgment issues I have when manic. They simply cannot understand and I need support, not judgement. I'm very lucky to be married to a man I can be very honest about all of this with. It's so helpful and he understands which is more than I could ask for. I'm glad your wife allows you to be honest too and I wish you all the best. I must avoid certain situations when manic and hypersexual too, so I get that and want to congratulate you for learning about how your illness works for you and designing specific methods to help in your specific situation. Best of luck and support to you and your wife.

I hope you know that you are not a bad person or bad wife for struggling with this. Thanks for your compassion. I hope others who need it will find what you've written

[Wild Coyote]

Hypersexuality can be very difficult to deal with.

Bipolar illness, hypersexuality (and marriage) is a huge topic to try to cover.
You have done a great job of tackling the issues at hand.

I am very guarded, most of the time, so I don't get caught up in something and break trust with my husband. We are both BP-II. We have both had moments of getting too close to cheating while still committed to one another. Seems impossible to get into something with someone else while still committed, but it can all happen so quickly and can catch us off guard.
We both choose to be careful and guard against situations which may feed into infidelity.

That said, it's easy to understand how infidelity can occur.
In cases when bipolar illness has truly played a part, judgment does not help anyone. Understanding the illness and the many complexities involved can help to heal wounds and can help with future prevention (possibly).

I feel very fortunate. I have had good fortune on my side when I've been, otherwise, in deep trouble.

Self-forgiveness is important, too.


WC

[CloserToTheMid]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Hypersexuality can be very difficult to deal with.

Bipolar illness, hypersexuality (and marriage) is a huge topic to try to cover.
You have done a great job of tackling the issues at hand.

I am very guarded, most of the time, so I don't get caught up in something and break trust with my husband. We are both BP-II. We have both had moments of getting too close to cheating while still committed to one another. Seems impossible to get into something with someone else while still committed, but it can all happen so quickly and can catch us off guard.
We both choose to be careful and guard against situations which may feed into infidelity.

That said, it's easy to understand how infidelity can occur.
In cases when bipolar illness has truly played a part, judgment does not help anyone. Understanding the illness and the many complexities involved can help to heal wounds and can help with future prevention (possibly).

I feel very fortunate. I have had good fortune on my side when I've been, otherwise, in deep trouble.

Self-forgiveness is important, too.


WC

Self forgiveness is hard. My wife was the victim. she is working on forgiving me and I a making a living amends. What's hard to explain ....REALLY hard to explain is that people with MI are victims of their own illness sometimes. When I came to. I was horrified at what had happened....traumatized. That couldn't have been me. And because it's hard to understand, I feel a weird sort of discomfort in forgiving myself. Like, I made my bed, now I have to lie in it.

Originally Posted by CloserToTheMid

Self forgiveness is hard. My wife was the victim. she is working on forgiving me and I a making a living amends. What's hard to explain ....REALLY hard to explain is that people with MI are victims of their own illness sometimes. When I came to. I was horrified at what had happened....traumatized. That couldn't have been me. And because it's hard to understand, I feel a weird sort of discomfort in forgiving myself. Like, I made my bed, now I have to lie in it.

I can definately understand this mentality. Not everyone is capable of understanding. I was cheated on a few times so I'm very aware of the pain on both ends. But like I said, lack of insight, judgement,certain delusions mixed with the wrong place at the wrong time is worrisome. But knowing what is happening and having insight, with the help of your wife should really help you out. I hope you receive all the support you need and then some extra to tide you over.

[fairydustgirl]

Daniel, hypersexuality, impulsivity, poor judgement...those are the symptoms that got my diagnosis of bipolar 1 (4 moodswings, 2 manic, 2 depressed in one year too!) I was so impulsive and the sex drive so strong I even bought a ticket to another country to see the man I'd been talking to who was 20 years younger than myself but I was caught before I could go.
I completely understand, and you're right, no one who has never been in the throes of a manic hypersexual episode can realize how strong it is and how it can completely take over your mind. My personal thought is because sex is so hardwired into our brains and bodies that it is even harder to overcome primal urge than say an urge to buy 3 cars in one day.
For me, a major manic episode requires massive mood stabilizer and antipsychotic med doses, the good news is once I have been stable for a while I am able to go back to maintenance meds. I would suggest if you are feeling the mania and the urges, go see your dr and do what it takes to bring yourself back down. you owe it to yourself so you won't do something that makes you feel horrible when you do come back down and to your wife as well. please take care

[CloserToTheMid]

Originally Posted by fairydustgirl

Daniel, hypersexuality, impulsivity, poor judgement...those are the symptoms that got my diagnosis of bipolar 1 (4 moodswings, 2 manic, 2 depressed in one year too!) I was so impulsive and the sex drive so strong I even bought a ticket to another country to see the man I'd been talking to who was 20 years younger than myself but I was caught before I could go.
I completely understand, and you're right, no one who has never been in the throes of a manic hypersexual episode can realize how strong it is and how it can completely take over your mind. My personal thought is because sex is so hardwired into our brains and bodies that it is even harder to overcome primal urge than say an urge to buy 3 cars in one day.
For me, a major manic episode requires massive mood stabilizer and antipsychotic med doses, the good news is once I have been stable for a while I am able to go back to maintenance meds. I would suggest if you are feeling the mania and the urges, go see your dr and do what it takes to bring yourself back down. you owe it to yourself so you won't do something that makes you feel horrible when you do come back down and to your wife as well. please take care

My doc has been very conservative with me and focused on healthy lifestyle, but I'm prepared to be more heavily drugged thus time. I just know what's gonna happen if this escalates, and losing my job and my marriage might be part of it.

[bioChE]

Originally Posted by CloserToTheMid

My doc has been very conservative with me and focused on healthy lifestyle, but I'm prepared to be more heavily drugged thus time. I just know what's gonna happen if this escalates, and losing my job and my marriage might be part of it.

Not might. Eventually it will happen.

[CloserToTheMid]

Originally Posted by bioChE

Not might. Eventually it will happen.

Nope. Nope. Nope. I will not let it happen . If I surrender this to God every morning along with alcohol it will not happen. That's what I'll do.

I went through rehab at 18 and again at 19. I didn't have alcohol and drug problems in the traditional sense but I did find the treatment very effective for the mental issues I was dealing with. I'm no longer a fan of AA personally but it does help many people with many different problems.

One of the most helpful aspects is the community and how people rarely turn up their nose at the issues you are facing. If they haven't been through it exactly, they've been through something which helps them relate and keeps them from judging which is very helpful.

When you struggle with this, do you have anyone you can talk with openly and honestly about what is going on in your head. Some thoughts fester and develop a life of their own but talking them out can really help sometimes. Staying away from alcohol is another wise thing. You mix mania with alcohol and I'm surprised an instant explosion doesn't occur.

I have faith in you Daniel. Your wife has faith in you or she wouldn't stick around. If sounds like you have God and church and that can help many people too. Use every tool in your tool belt.

Good luck to you and your family.

[CloserToTheMid]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I went through rehab at 18 and again at 19. I didn't have alcohol and drug problems in the traditional sense but I did find the treatment very effective for the mental issues I was dealing with. I'm no longer a fan of AA personally but it does help many people with many different problems.

One of the most helpful aspects is the community and how people rarely turn up their nose at the issues you are facing. If they haven't been through it exactly, they've been through something which helps them relate and keeps them from judging which is very helpful.

When you struggle with this, do you have anyone you can talk with openly and honestly about what is going on in your head. Some thoughts fester and develop a life of their own but talking them out can really help sometimes. Staying away from alcohol is another wise thing. You mix mania with alcohol and I'm surprised an instant explosion doesn't occur.

I have faith in you Daniel. Your wife has faith in you or she wouldn't stick around. If sounds like you have God and church and that can help many people too. Use every tool in your tool belt.

Good luck to you and your family.

Bless you and thank you. God is faithful. AA has been 95% positive for me. I've had to stop going to mixed gender meetings. I go to men''s meeting primarily. Surrender is the only state in which I survive any of this

I talk to my sponsor but he doesn't understand bipolar. AA folks tend to think all mental illness stem from alcohol problems. I don't talk about at meetings anymore

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by CloserToTheMid

... Surrender is the only state in which I survive any of this

I talk to my sponsor but he doesn't understand bipolar. AA folks tend to think all mental illness stem from alcohol problems. I don't talk about at meetings anymore

I have faced those same misunderstandings and mis-perceptions over these past 30+ years. Drinking was only a symptom of my problem, not my actual problem, and the same can be said for bottles as mere symbols...and it could also be said the obsession-for-the-effect part of my alcoholism was definitely connected to or was at least a symptom of my mental illness even though alcoholism, in and of itself, is not typically considered a mental illness. But however all of that might ultimately sort out, the facts about the original A.A. still remain the same:

"My friend promised when [the Steps had been taken] I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator; that I would have the elements of a way of living which answered all my problems..."

"For years we have been working with alcoholics committed to institutions. Since this book was first published, A.A. has released thousands of alcoholics from asylums and hospitals of every kind. The majority have never returned. The power of God goes deep!"

--"Alcoholics Anonymous", pages 13, 114

[TheBiPolarSoldier]

I've had to delete my Facebook, instagram and Snapchat accounts due to hypersexuality.o have a gf who I love more than anything but when the hypo kicks in I just can't help myself although I've never actually been unfaithful in any of my relationships.

I've done things I most definitely am not proud of. Thankfully my actions occured when I had no relationship. I am in a relationship now and when hypomanic I am hypersexual. A downside of my hypomania and constant thoughts of sex is that I worry about my partner having his own sexual appetite and whether it is causing him to 'wander' outside the relationship.

[Coconutzo]

Thank you for this post. Your openness about a scary subject is amazing. I appreciate this as a person who has been in a similar situation. Always honest in relationships and faithful with deep moral convictions,I have fallen prey to the nastiness of mania. It was before diagnosis and the concept of help. In a decade long relationship, I suddenly turned and started sleeping with literally PILES of women. I didnt ask permission or address concerns. I did it and felt justified. I felt like a perfect, giving, enlightened human. Suddenly I felt like some sort of a crusader for sex positive/open/bisexual relationships. I should say that I've never been remotely interested in women and thanks to this period have now slept with considerably more women than men. The point is, I crushed a beautiful thing with wild abandon because some unknown force compelled me. Now I know better. Now I'm equipped with skills and resources should I start to fall apart,but when it happened I had no idea that something was wrong. A good friend suggested that I had a sudden personality/character shift that was alarming. I was honestly convinced that she was just not as open minded and free as me. It's sad actually and I pray I never walk that road again. I'm embarrassed thinking about it, but the truth is I was sick and I just didn't know it.

Thank you for bringing up this subject. It’s more than this, which you wrote: "This is mania. This is not a moral failing. I know it's hard to understand that, especially if you've been hurt by it. "


This post will not be popular with some people here, but here it is. Let's hear from some more victims, please.


There is stigma against people with any symptoms of mental illness. That is why it's so hard to find public services and family to try to help us. I have bipolar myself, and believe the public stigma is to be expected, because so many people are severely hurt by symptoms (some symptoms? Many? All?), whether they be financial, sexual, emotional, physical, nuisance behavior, or whatever. The big question in my mind is, how do people find out ways to protect themselves/ourselves. (including vulnerable people with mental illness, who can easily be exploited -- as well as children of either gender) A good idea is to find another hypersexual person to be with. I married one, who I think was uni-polar manic. I was hypersexual from the time I was a child, so I know what it's like to be consumed by sexual desire. My husband and I had a lot of problems, but our sex life was incredibly great -- for eleven years. He had been in a mental hospital by law for several months before I knew him, but in those days I had no idea of what this meant. He'd been rx/d lithium, but no longer took any meds.

When I used to go to a mental health drop in center (which has now been closed down by "the system" for no reason), I was exploited by a man there. I was near suicide for six months after that devastating experience. We women later found out that there were exploitative men from the floor of the building where professional mental health workers tried to help people with alcohol abuse. Many of these men came into the drop in center with one reason: to have sex with the women there. I also know one woman who was a sexual predator on vulnerable mentally ill men there. The clinic did not address the problem the victims, and how to not be vulnerable. The counselors knew all about it! The clinic also had an unprofessional policy. My counselor and psychiatrist were working with both myself, and the man who was sleeping with so many of us women. They must have known about his irresponsible behavior, but never warned me about him, or how to protect myself in general.

There was one guy who preyed on young boys, and he was mandated by law to come for mental health treatment. I knew his adult lover pretty well, and the lover told me this guy was watching child porn on a frequent basis (which he was prohibited by law from doing), and said he would continue his child sexual abuse when he got out.

These things are absolutely inexcusable! The harm done is immeasurable. The question is not forgiveness. It is how to avoid and protect ourselves from any form of abuse, whether the person is manic, or sociopathic, or just plain evil. I will never, ever forgive the guy who put me through the anguish he did to me and so many other women.

[CloserToTheMid]

Originally Posted by flowerbells

Thank you for bringing up this subject. It’s more than this, which you wrote: "This is mania. This is not a moral failing. I know it's hard to understand that, especially if you've been hurt by it. "


This post will not be popular with some people here, but here it is. Let's hear from some more victims, please.


There is stigma against people with any symptoms of mental illness. That is why it's so hard to find public services and family to try to help us. I have bipolar myself, and believe the public stigma is to be expected, because so many people are severely hurt by symptoms (some symptoms? Many? All?), whether they be financial, sexual, emotional, physical, nuisance behavior, or whatever. The big question in my mind is, how do people find out ways to protect themselves/ourselves. (including vulnerable people with mental illness, who can easily be exploited -- as well as children of either gender) A good idea is to find another hypersexual person to be with. I married one, who I think was uni-polar manic. I was hypersexual from the time I was a child, so I know what it's like to be consumed by sexual desire. My husband and I had a lot of problems, but our sex life was incredibly great -- for eleven years. He had been in a mental hospital by law for several months before I knew him, but in those days I had no idea of what this meant. He'd been rx/d lithium, but no longer took any meds.

When I used to go to a mental health drop in center (which has now been closed down by "the system" for no reason), I was exploited by a man there. I was near suicide for six months after that devastating experience. We women later found out that there were exploitative men from the floor of the building where professional mental health workers tried to help people with alcohol abuse. Many of these men came into the drop in center with one reason: to have sex with the women there. I also know one woman who was a sexual predator on vulnerable mentally ill men there. The clinic did not address the problem the victims, and how to not be vulnerable. The counselors knew all about it! The clinic also had an unprofessional policy. My counselor and psychiatrist were working with both myself, and the man who was sleeping with so many of us women. They must have known about his irresponsible behavior, but never warned me about him, or how to protect myself in general.

There was one guy who preyed on young boys, and he was mandated by law to come for mental health treatment. I knew his adult lover pretty well, and the lover told me this guy was watching child porn on a frequent basis (which he was prohibited by law from doing), and said he would continue his child sexual abuse when he got out.

These things are absolutely inexcusable! The harm done is immeasurable. The question is not forgiveness. It is how to avoid and protect ourselves from any form of abuse, whether the person is manic, or sociopathic, or just plain evil. I will never, ever forgive the guy who put me through the anguish he did to me and so many other women.

Wow. Thank you for sharing this. Victims spoke up on another thread called Crushes. That's why I wrote this. My wife bears deep scars. First, from me and then from our kids both of whom were hospitalized for suicide attempts related to bipolar, anxiety, and depression. My wife was diagnosed with PTSD this year. And it all starts with me. I believe I made my family sick with my mania, depression, and alcoholism. My daughter, unbeknownst to me until recently, found a dirty text from a woman on my phone when she was in 8th grade. That's when her mental health issues began. She is Bipolar I with very serious depression. My son bore scars of me leaving. His desperation was quiet. We never saw it until on his third attempt decided to reach out to me. And now I bear a scar.

Bipolar is not a victimless condition no matter how out of our control it can be at times. For me, it is all about what I do now. I will live out my amends until I die by being the kind of father and spouse my family deserves, which includes stringent adherence to my treatment. I want to share my story because there are dozens of men and women in this community who have been either a victim of it or perpetrator of it.

I'm I guilty? Yes. Could I have prevented it? I don't see how. Can I make sure it never happens again? I have to believe that I can.

[Moose72]

If you want look up "acoa" and see if your kids don't fall into that. I have an alcoholic dad and I know I do.

[LadyShadow]

Thank you for sharing this. I have reached a point in my life where I don't believe in monogamy anymore. I don't know whether it's bipolar or not, I just realize I can't be with just "one" person.

I think what is going to happen to me is my best friend (who is male and my ex) will be my companion in my twilight years and that's the best I could hope for.

I know in my heart I cannot give myself to one person and one person only because I am not wired that way especially sexually. I have asked God to forgive me and all my misgivings and I believe He did forgive me, and granted me some miracles in His own way.

But you bring up a great point in dealing with relationships when you are bipolar. Much hugs to you and your recovery. You have come a long way.

Dear Closer to the Mid, It is all, all so very sad, isn't it. Sad for everyone. I'm finally able to respond to some of the threads I've subscribed to - just found a list of them all. I'm not receiving the instant emails I'm supposed to be getting on the topics/threads I subscribed to. My heart goes out to you, Dear Closer, and to your family, friends, you, and everyone in your lives.

Originally Posted by CloserToTheMid

Wow. Thank you for sharing this. Victims spoke up on another thread called Crushes. That's why I wrote this. My wife bears deep scars. First, from me and then from our kids both of whom were hospitalized for suicide attempts related to bipolar, anxiety, and depression. My wife was diagnosed with PTSD this year. And it all starts with me. I believe I made my family sick with my mania, depression, and alcoholism. My daughter, unbeknownst to me until recently, found a dirty text from a woman on my phone when she was in 8th grade. That's when her mental health issues began. She is Bipolar I with very serious depression. My son bore scars of me leaving. His desperation was quiet. We never saw it until on his third attempt decided to reach out to me. And now I bear a scar.

Bipolar is not a victimless condition no matter how out of our control it can be at times. For me, it is all about what I do now. I will live out my amends until I die by being the kind of father and spouse my family deserves, which includes stringent adherence to my treatment. I want to share my story because there are dozens of men and women in this community who have been either a victim of it or perpetrator of it.

I'm I guilty? Yes. Could I have prevented it? I don't see how. Can I make sure it never happens again? I have to believe that I can.

[Nate7907]

I am in a happy relationship right now. I would never cheat. I love her to death and she has seen the worst of me.