[BeyondtheRainbow]

I put my 2nd cat in 9 weeks to sleep on Friday. Since then I've been staying at my mom's. She lives next door so it's not like I'm far from home. She helped me really thoroughly clean and put cat stuff away until I am ready to adopt kittens so it is a little less of a minefield. But I can't stand it over there. It is too quiet and I think I hear the cats but of course it's not them. Yesterday I was there long enough to put a load of clothes in the washer and I had a panic attack and had to take my first PRN klonopin in many months. Today I was over there by myself for 5 minutes and did better. But I'm not ready to try to sleep alone there or anything.

I'm not actually handling this so well. I cried a lot Friday at the vet's office but since I left the vet's I have only cried for a few minutes with the panic attack yesterday. I teared up in therapy and then made a joke and changed the subject. I need my therapist to make me stay on topic so next week we'll talk abou that. I think he thought if I didn't want to talk about it that was ok and he just was making things safe but I really just tried to avoid it because it hurts. I wasn't doing well when Anna had died and Noah seemed ok, much less now.

If I go home I might but I'm scared I'll also not fight the suicidal thoughts well. They are passive now but I'm staying in a safe place with someone I can wake up if I get into a dangerous spot, while I know I wouldn't call her from my house.It's complicated.

I just don't know how to handle this much loss, especially so close. And I only had 4 days from learning Noah might have cancer to "Noah is very ill and this isn't likely to be treatable and testing is just going to make him suffer more".

I don't know what to do. My meds aren't helping me. After Anna died we maxed out my AD, planning to go down this month. When I kept having trouble sleeping I got my gabapentin increased but it isn't consistent and some nights just makes me drunk which I hate. So I've not been taking the extra. I'm having a hard time connecting with my pdoc.

I am so overwhelmed.

[MobiusPsyche]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. That's really difficult and it's always a heartbreaking decision.

[wildflowerchild25]

You've got to be gentle with yourself. Two major losses in less than two months would be hard on anyon you can't expect to feel ok right now. Accept that you feel like ****. Anyone would.

TBH meds probably won't help right now. It's an actual trauma that won't be resolved by meds. In my opinion anyway. Just keep talking about it, writing about it, however you can get it out of you. Staying with your mom for a bit is a good idea. I moved back in with my mom when my husband died. She has been a big help.

It will get better. Grief takes a lot of time but it won't last forever. You're strong enough to handle it, even if you don't feel like it.

I'm sorry for your losses. We lost a 12-year old miniature dachshund last year at this time, and it really messed us up. His brother is presently on the way out. 2 considerations:

1. This pain may become more bearable with time.

2. Housing is rarely a permanent arrangement. If you find the pain unbearable, you can move to a different place.

[Nova567]

I am glad you made a healthy decision to stay with your mother so you can cope with this easier.
Animals are family, give yourself time to grieve and accept what had happened. I am sure they had the best life, and you brought them the same joy they brought you.
This quote always struck me the hardest - "The difference between friends and pets is that friends we allow into our company, pets we allow into our solitude." This makes it so much harder to say goodbye.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

You've got to be gentle with yourself. Two major losses in less than two months would be hard on anyon you can't expect to feel ok right now. Accept that you feel like ****. Anyone would.

TBH meds probably won't help right now. It's an actual trauma that won't be resolved by meds. In my opinion anyway. Just keep talking about it, writing about it, however you can get it out of you. Staying with your mom for a bit is a good idea. I moved back in with my mom when my husband died. She has been a big help.

It will get better. Grief takes a lot of time but it won't last forever. You're strong enough to handle it, even if you don't feel like it.

Thanks for this. I know that you are right. I just feel I am fumbling in the dark right now. I am going to try to spend some time at my house alone tomorrow. Just maybe an hour. And then I'll go from there. I just feel like I'm being a baby. I mean, I loved my cats but they were pets. You lost your husband; that is a much greater and more real loss. Yet I'm overwhelmed by just this. It terrifies me what will happen when I lose my mom.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Lefty the Salesman

I'm sorry for your losses. We lost a 12-year old miniature dachshund last year at this time, and it really messed us up. His brother is presently on the way out. 2 considerations:

1. This pain may become more bearable with time.

2. Housing is rarely a permanent arrangement. If you find the pain unbearable, you can move to a different place.

I'm sorry for your loss and your impending loss.

Housing actually is pretty pretty fixed for me; I rent from my mom a little house built for me. But I need to get past this enough to go home anyway. I can't live my life avoiding whatever hurts me. I wish I could though .

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Nova567

This quote always struck me the hardest - "The difference between friends and pets is that friends we allow into our company, pets we allow into our solitude." This makes it so much harder to say goodbye.

Thanks for sharing this. I like it and it is true.

[Grace210]

So sorry to hear about your kitty, I had to put mine down a week ago as well and it has been tough, I have a picture of her under my pillow, looking at is a little hard now cause it makes me cry, but knowing the picture is there under my makes me feel like she's still on my bed at night and watching over me, I also set 5 or so mins out at night to cry then I make sure I stop after the time limit and do breathing exercises and put on a podcast. Greif is hard and everyone deals with it differently but I find the days get easier if I have a bit of a plan to deal with it. Hope you feel better soon, it will get better <3

[Unrigged64072835]

So sorry for the loss of your cats. We invest so much in them that their loss is really hard. Continue to take gentle care of yourself.

I don't like the house I live in now. It was bought for someone else 10 years ago, someone who abused me and my daughter. Despite changing it around it's still hard because of the past memories. I can't sell it because it needs work that I can't afford right now. I just try and make peace with it.

[raspberrytorte]

Hugs, rainbow. When my cat died I remember crying a lot. He'd been my best friend all through my childhood and early adulthood. It will become easier. It just takes time. Cry as much as you need to.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Every time I get close to crying I have a panic attack instead. I'm going to try spending a little time alone at my house tomorrow and see what happens but I think I blew it with avoiding it in therapy for this week.

The weird thing is I stayed here for 10 months while my house was being built and was so glad to get out of here. And now it feels like a safe place that I don't want to leave. Of course when I stayed here before I had both my kitties....

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Grace210

So sorry to hear about your kitty, I had to put mine down a week ago as well and it has been tough, I have a picture of her under my pillow, looking at is a little hard now cause it makes me cry, but knowing the picture is there under my makes me feel like she's still on my bed at night and watching over me, I also set 5 or so mins out at night to cry then I make sure I stop after the time limit and do breathing exercises and put on a podcast. Greif is hard and everyone deals with it differently but I find the days get easier if I have a bit of a plan to deal with it. Hope you feel better soon, it will get better <3

I am so sorry for your loss. It's a horrible thing to go through.