Why?

Flutterby11 · Feb 19, 2017, 09:40 PM

Why does everything hurt so bad? Why am i so scared? Why is no one listening? i cant take this anymore i am exhausted maybe this is what the evil person wants so that they can strike when i am down i dont know if i can make it the 2 days to my T appointment. i want to scream i cant take this i am still very paranoid but the thoughts are becoming more and more real to me i feel like this is the end like i have tried everything but everyone wants me gone so maybe i should be maybe it is just time. i am so tired of fighting and it hurts so so badly it aches i cant do this.

Feb 19, 2017, 09:43 PM

Flutterby11 · Feb 19, 2017, 09:52 PM

I dont know what to do anymore i think this is it. i have exhausted all of my options.

BeyondtheRainbow · Feb 19, 2017, 10:13 PM

You haven't exhausted all options. You have that therapy appointment coming up and maybe that will help. Maybe your therapist can reach your pdoc or pull strings to get you IP.

It can and will get better. It may mean making a trip to that hospital several hours away. But honestly, as much that is a pain, I do that every time I'm IP and every time I see my pdoc; there's nobody good closer so I travel. It's not fun but it's what I have to do.

I know it seems totally out of control right now. But it can improve. A year ago I didn't know if I was going to make it to the next hour (sometimes minute) but eventually (after many months) everything came together and I got on a med that has me relatively stable. I didn't believe that was possible but it happened.

It can for you too.

Wander · Feb 19, 2017, 10:40 PM

Hang in there. You have not exhausted all options, as Rainbow said you still have a T appointment and you still have the option of calling 911 if you are in immediate danger of harming yourself. I am so sorry you have been rejected when you have reached out for help. That must hurt a lot and make you feel like giving up. Please don't give up though. Keep fighting. This is not a permanent state. It will pass.

Flutterby11 · Feb 19, 2017, 10:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

You haven't exhausted all options. You have that therapy appointment coming up and maybe that will help. Maybe your therapist can reach your pdoc or pull strings to get you IP.

It can and will get better. It may mean making a trip to that hospital several hours away. But honestly, as much that is a pain, I do that every time I'm IP and every time I see my pdoc; there's nobody good closer so I travel. It's not fun but it's what I have to do.

I know it seems totally out of control right now. But it can improve. A year ago I didn't know if I was going to make it to the next hour (sometimes minute) but eventually (after many months) everything came together and I got on a med that has me relatively stable. I didn't believe that was possible but it happened.

It can for you too.

i dont know i am so tired i just want to curl up into a ball and cry i dont think i can feel hope anymore.

Flutterby11 · Feb 19, 2017, 10:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wander

Hang in there. You have not exhausted all options, as Rainbow said you still have a T appointment and you still have the option of calling 911 if you are in immediate danger of harming yourself. I am so sorry you have been rejected when you have reached out for help. That must hurt a lot and make you feel like giving up. Please don't give up though. Keep fighting. This is not a permanent state. It will pass.

I dont know if i can take another rejection again

BeyondtheRainbow · Feb 19, 2017, 10:45 PM

It's ok to cry or scream if you need to. And I've often spent depression (heck the last 2 months) curled up in bed staring at the wall. Ideally you need treatment but there's nothing that makes that not ok while you wait. I know people have given you lots of coping strategies; try them. Try to rest and tomorrow is another chance to try to fight the system. I know how hard that is when you feel bad but you can do it. Just one little step at a time. Even write out steps; I've done that before so I can check them off and so I don't forget a step.

We're here for you.

Wander · Feb 19, 2017, 10:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flutterby11

I dont know if i can take another rejection again

Make sure you tell your T this at the beginning of the session so they are aware they need to do all they can to not reject, or be seen to reject you. Be totally open with your T about all the hallucinations, delusions and suicidal thoughts and plans. Basically, let them know how serious your situation is. Hopefully they will hear you and be able to help. You urgently need medical attention in my opinion, which means hospitalisation. Stating plan and intent should certainly get you a bed. It is disgusting that you have to fight so hard to get help but it is not your fault or a reflection on you. The system is broken. You are very strong for hanging on so long. Please keep fighting.

Flutterby11 · Feb 19, 2017, 11:06 PM

i am trying all the coping skills i have got they just dont seem to be working. i am so so tired. maybe i will try and sleep for a bit. i will be honest about everything with my T if i make it there it is just so very difficult.

Flutterby11 · Feb 20, 2017, 05:20 AM

I am getting really really paranoid again i keep thinking the person watching me has put cameras in my house and is impersonating people it is starting to feel even more real.

Wander · Feb 20, 2017, 05:43 AM

To be honestly blunt, you are psychotic at the moment. Your brain is not able to function correctly so is lying to you. I have been psychotic before so I understand how real it seems and how hard it is to see reality. These fears, paranoid ideas and hallucinations won't pass until you receive treatment (most likely, sometimes they pass by themselves). Until you see your therapist (and it is CRUCIAL that you get to that appointment) try to listen to us who are telling you these fears are unfounded. You are safe, except from yourself. No one is watching you with cameras or impersonating people.

Please try to find that part of you that can still think rationally and listen to us here who are trying to help you through this horrible episode. You are paranoid, yes, but it is not real. The truth is you are very unwell and need urgent medical attention. Please continue to do all you can to get that help. You should not have to live in this terror and anguish. We at PC can't fix what is going on in your brain, we can only direct you to those who can help you. No one is out to harm you. I am glad you are still posting. Do whatever helps you stay safe from you harming yourself. Get to that appointment. It may save your life.

Flutterby11 · Feb 20, 2017, 06:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wander

To be honestly blunt, you are psychotic at the moment. Your brain is not able to function correctly so is lying to you. I have been psychotic before so I understand how real it seems and how hard it is to see reality. These fears, paranoid ideas and hallucinations won't pass until you receive treatment (most likely, sometimes they pass by themselves). Until you see your therapist (and it is CRUCIAL that you get to that appointment) try to listen to us who are telling you these fears are unfounded. You are safe, except from yourself. No one is watching you with cameras or impersonating people.

Please try to find that part of you that can still think rationally and listen to us here who are trying to help you through this horrible episode. You are paranoid, yes, but it is not real. The truth is you are very unwell and need urgent medical attention. Please continue to do all you can to get that help. You should not have to live in this terror and anguish. We at PC can't fix what is going on in your brain, we can only direct you to those who can help you. No one is out to harm you. I am glad you are still posting. Do whatever helps you stay safe from you harming yourself. Get to that appointment. It may save your life.

i do keep trying to think that it is silly and that it is not possible for the person to be everywhere all at once but my brain keeps telling me otherwise and i am getting more and more scared. i am trying really hard to make it to the appointment i really am. posting is helping me to vent a little i just need to make it another day and a bit i am trying.

Feb 20, 2017, 08:09 AM

You've seemed increasingly agitated and now appear to be dealing with psychosis. Time to call you pdoc and consider the hospital?

Flutterby11 · Feb 20, 2017, 10:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lolagrace

You've seemed increasingly agitated and now appear to be dealing with psychosis. Time to call you pdoc and consider the hospital?

My mental health worker says pdoc can't see me any sooner. I have called the hospital 3 times and been there once they sent me home and told me there were no beds.

Nene873 · Feb 20, 2017, 12:35 PM

I know my therapist has a legal obligation to report it to the authorities (the police) if I make a claim that I am a danger to myself, that I intend to harm myself or feel that I cannot control feelings to harm myself and that they will come get me whether I like it or not and place me in the hospital. An ambulance once came to her office accompanied by police officers and picked me up from there.

I don't understand how it cannot be considered malpractice for your mental health care givers to know the crisis situation that you're in and continue to leave you in a situation where at this point, you are clearly a danger to yourself and need outside intervention as soon as possible.

I have been following all of your several posts here on PC and I'm happy that you have a place to express yourself and be heard and that you feel it helps you in some way but as others have told you, the support group here can only provide you with limited support and encourage you to seek professional help from a hospital or your psychiatrist. Don't quit now. You've shown great strength by making it this far. Please continue don't give up and do whatever it takes to get into the hospital. Go to the ER and stay there. They cannot turn you away if you clearly state your intentions. You're life is worth it. Go there today. I also know that you said before that it's not the best hospital, but keeping you safe is the most important thing right now. And if not that hospital, go to any ER. Just go today. You've been doing this on your own for too long. Let someone help you. Don't lose hope, things will get better.

Flutterby11 · Feb 20, 2017, 04:45 PM

I have been trying I contacted 2 helplines yesterday and they just said to call back if things got worse. I don't know what to do.

BeyondtheRainbow · Feb 20, 2017, 05:01 PM

Call the hotlines back. Things are worse. Keep calling (and start demanding) someone help you.

Flutterby11 · Feb 20, 2017, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Call the hotlines back. Things are worse. Keep calling (and start demanding) someone help you.

i am not good at being assertive

BeyondtheRainbow · Feb 20, 2017, 09:59 PM

It's hard but you are in a position where you either have to learn how or you need to find someone who can be assertive for you. Honestly though calling the hotlines again and telling them you are desperate, having psychotics symptoms and (this is a REALLY good phrase) you have suicidal thoughts (plans?) and are afraid you will act impulsively if you are left alone. That doesn't even take being particularly assertive on the call line.

I have a feeling you are still pretty young and new to this (yes?no?) and this stuff does get easier with time. But there is nothing wrong with standing up for what you need. It took me a long, long time to learn that but it's a really important skill when you have something like bipolar.

The other thing that helps me is "I statements". "I am experiencing_____. I am afraid. I think I am at risk for suicide." (if they say call again, then you say "I really think I need help now. I am in danger". And then you keep repeating "I feel or I think" with facts to back up your statements until they listen.

Do you have friends or family who can help? Even having them call 911 and say they are worried you are dangerously suicidal and suffering from psychotic symptoms might get you help you aren't getting now.

But the biggest thing is to get to that therapy appointment tomorrow. And then be very, very honest. Print out what you've written here. I went through 3 years of therapy in college and couldn't talk to my therapist so I wrote things down, he read them and only then could I talk about it. There's nothing wrong with doing it that way.

bizi · Feb 21, 2017, 12:33 AM

I hope you seek help again.
bizi

Flutterby11 · Feb 21, 2017, 05:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

It's hard but you are in a position where you either have to learn how or you need to find someone who can be assertive for you. Honestly though calling the hotlines again and telling them you are desperate, having psychotics symptoms and (this is a REALLY good phrase) you have suicidal thoughts (plans?) and are afraid you will act impulsively if you are left alone. That doesn't even take being particularly assertive on the call line.

I have a feeling you are still pretty young and new to this (yes?no?) and this stuff does get easier with time. But there is nothing wrong with standing up for what you need. It took me a long, long time to learn that but it's a really important skill when you have something like bipolar.

The other thing that helps me is "I statements". "I am experiencing_____. I am afraid. I think I am at risk for suicide." (if they say call again, then you say "I really think I need help now. I am in danger". And then you keep repeating "I feel or I think" with facts to back up your statements until they listen.

Do you have friends or family who can help? Even having them call 911 and say they are worried you are dangerously suicidal and suffering from psychotic symptoms might get you help you aren't getting now.

But the biggest thing is to get to that therapy appointment tomorrow. And then be very, very honest. Print out what you've written here. I went through 3 years of therapy in college and couldn't talk to my therapist so I wrote things down, he read them and only then could I talk about it. There's nothing wrong with doing it that way.

i dont have friends or family who could help with this. I will write a letter with everything on it to my T and give it to them.