[UpDownMiddleGround]

No matter what I do, I always end up here. Or worse. I am so unhappy. I feel like there is no hope for getting any better, ever. I know that I have been here before, many times. I always think that I am going to stay feeling good but it just doesn't work that way. Why am I even trying anymore. I've thought about all of the money that I spend on counseling and pdoc visits. It's a lot. in a few months, I am not going to be able to afford that either. I'm overwhelmed at work. I feel like I cannot keep up or dig myself out of the hole that I am in. I talked to some other people and they feel the same way, so I know that it is not just me. I'm lonely. I don't think I will ever find anyone who will love me. My pdoc told me to go out and try to meet some people. The thought of that is overwhelming. I just cant do that. I don't understand my purpose. I don't understand why I am still here. What is the point? Why am I trying everyday. I will be glad when I don't have to go through this anymore. I'm tired.

[Wander]

So sorry you feel this way and that life is tough and sometimes meaningless for you. I don't have any advice but keep fighting. The depression will pass. Maybe then you will find the strength to meet more people. Hang in there. We at PC are here for you.

[UpDownMiddleGround]

I went to sleep and woke up feeling the same way. Unfortunately, I have a pretty big day at work. I just want to quit and go back to bed.

Sorry you're struggling so much.

Please don't give up on finding someone you loves you. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and there is always somebody for everybody. It might not be easy finding "the one" and it in fact may take some time, but it can and will happen. Just give things a chance.

But yes, I know that it is hard to be social and and meet new people. I'm struggling with that myself... so I get it. It is overwhelming at times, but I know it can be done. It gives me a glimmer of hope, and I hope it does for you too.

I hope your depression lifts soon and that you can make new friends (and go on some dates. )

[Unrigged64072835]

You'll get through this. It's a temporary thing. Talk to your pdoc and therapist.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm so sorry you're struggling so much. I was just there. It's so hard to remember that it will end. But it will. Can you get an increase in your AD temporarily? I was on the verge of doing that, but mine lifted slowly. I wasn't bathing, eating, nothing. I know how bad it can be. Hugs.

[Naynay99]

Hey. Sorry that life is sucking so much right now. I know that sliding back down into a depression is awful. Hang in there.

"I know that I have been here before, many times. I always think that I am going to stay feeling good but it just doesn't work that way. Why am I even trying anymore."
Hey- I can so relate to this. Because every time I feel good I think I have finally figured **** out and beat this. So when I got depressed again I felt like a huge failure. I can't even do crazy right! But lately I have come to start to accept mine is recurrent and probably WILL come back. But that doesn't mean trying is futile. Enjoy feeling good when it comes and work hard to keep that depression-free mood state. But if depression does shows up again, hang on and wait and keep fighting, because it won't last forever (even though it feels like it at the time).

Sending you some good thoughts. Be safe. Take care.

[UpDownMiddleGround]

Thanks everyone for your support. I wouldn't know what I could do to change up my meds. I don't have an AD because they make me manic. Yesterday I felt pretty mixed by the end of the day. Today I woke up not wanting to get out of bed again. Not wanting to try. Not wanting to be here. Do you ever feel like you are kind of comfortable in your depression? Like you don't really want to reach out to your T or pdoc because you want it all to play itself out to the end? I don't want to be judged for how I feel. I don't want anybody to panic. I don't want to pay anymore money to anyone. I'm just accepting however this goes.

Originally Posted by UpDownMiddleGround

Thanks everyone for your support. I wouldn't know what I could do to change up my meds. I don't have an AD because they make me manic. Yesterday I felt pretty mixed by the end of the day. Today I woke up not wanting to get out of bed again. Not wanting to try. Not wanting to be here. Do you ever feel like you are kind of comfortable in your depression? Like you don't really want to reach out to your T or pdoc because you want it all to play itself out to the end? I don't want to be judged for how I feel. I don't want anybody to panic. I don't want to pay anymore money to anyone. I'm just accepting however this goes.

I too have PTSD. I feel it's in remission. I do still have nightmares now and then tho, connected to the abuses I went through. I've found that once I dealt with the PTSD my bp stuff was easier. Are you able to deal with the PTSD stuff. Some of it I had to just deal with on my own, through acceptance and grounding skills. But I no longer get suicidal. I used to a lot tho. Are you in therapy?

[UpDownMiddleGround]

I'm feeling a little better this evening. It's probably just the adderal giving me a false sense of being ok. My son has really forced me to give him attention tonight by chatting about his day and wanting to play (he's 14). Hopefully things will continue to improve. I just don't get why this happens. I'm fine and then all of a sudden I've crashed again. It just gets old.

I am in therapy. I've been seeing my T for 4 years now. I've been trying to work my way out of it but I always seem to crash. She always gets me to identify the triggers but this time I can't really put my finger on anything in particular. I'm really tired of talking so I don't know how much longer I will go. I wish she and my pdoc could just go away. I like them both, I just don't like having to go to them.

When I started therapy, I started because of ptsd. Bipolar was uncovered in the middle of all of it. It's really hard to manage when the PTSD symptoms are not in control but heck, everything is hard to manage at that time.

SI seems to be my go to. I don't talk about it much anymore. When I talk about it to my closest friend, she calls my T and then I have to go in (money). Not looking for attention and it makes me uncomfortable. People don't really want to hear what you have to say. So I just mostly keep stuff to myself, journal, or come here where there are people who have experienced what I go through.

[Naynay99]

That's good u are feeling a little bit beter tonite.
I hope it lasts. Take care.

[xRavenx]

My goodness, almost everything in this post describes so well how I've felt for a while. It's been somewhat on and off, but I have been getting that feeling of giving up, not finding anyone who will love me the way I need it, feeling stuck, being overwhelmed at work and by all the money spent going to doctors and therapists. When you talk about comfort in depression, one thing I can relate to is that sometimes I'll feel this way when I'm not ready to take any steps towards working through it, so it's a way of self-soothing to stay in the same spot to comfort myself until I'm ready. Continuing therapy regularly can be so important. Even on days I don't feel like going.

(((hugs))) Sometimes just venting is important to just release all of what you are feeling. It's at least one way of coping as an outlet and for support, so please keep posting whenever you feel the need. Every little bit helps, even if it just alleviates some of the pain temporarily. Take it one step at a time and don't be so hard on yourself! I know it's easier said than done, so I don't in any way want to minimize the seriousness of your concerns. You're not alone.

Originally Posted by UpDownMiddleGround

I'm feeling a little better this evening. It's probably just the adderal giving me a false sense of being ok. My son has really forced me to give him attention tonight by chatting about his day and wanting to play (he's 14). Hopefully things will continue to improve. I just don't get why this happens. I'm fine and then all of a sudden I've crashed again. It just gets old.

I am in therapy. I've been seeing my T for 4 years now. I've been trying to work my way out of it but I always seem to crash. She always gets me to identify the triggers but this time I can't really put my finger on anything in particular. I'm really tired of talking so I don't know how much longer I will go. I wish she and my pdoc could just go away. I like them both, I just don't like having to go to them.

When I started therapy, I started because of ptsd. Bipolar was uncovered in the middle of all of it. It's really hard to manage when the PTSD symptoms are not in control but heck, everything is hard to manage at that time.

SI seems to be my go to. I don't talk about it much anymore. When I talk about it to my closest friend, she calls my T and then I have to go in (money). Not looking for attention and it makes me uncomfortable. People don't really want to hear what you have to say. So I just mostly keep stuff to myself, journal, or come here where there are people who have experienced what I go through.

Ok, you're doing all the right things. Feeling suicidal is tough. I used to feel it often. But once I was put on the right med cocktail and came to terms with the PTSD stuff I haven't felt that way since 2013 or so. I've fought hard in this life and I'm not gonna let my abusers win.

I'm glad you felt better last night. if you want you can pm me anytime.