[EmilyTheStrange]

Just having a cr@p day
I feel like i just don't know what I'm doing with anything, like i cant change all the things i hate about my life, overwhelmed.
I got angry with my husband this morning (legitimately, not an overreaction) but his reaction always ends up with me feeling totally rubbish, like most of my problems are my 'fault' - not like I'm at fault, but that i clearly can't see that lots of it is because of me. Then i don't know if I'm being gaslighted, because it always ends with him seeming to have little to no responsibility for anything.

So I've been crying most of the morning while scraping grout off tiles. I stop, but if i think of anything, or replay bits of the argument i just start crying again. He asks me what would make me happy. The usual ending to an argument. And i always give the same reply so he is just not hearing me, ever.
Nothing makes me happy. I am permanently unhappy. I always think ”if i do this/change that then maybe I'll be happy" so i do things, change things, over and over for years. And I'm still so sad.

I am so sick of being me. I hate me. I'm a good person. I have good things in my life, but I'm struggling, tired, unhappy, feel like I'm on repeat. I started these meds, which got increased because of this endless low, but at the higher dose i felt worse. At the lower dose my mood wobbles up and down - except it's not 'up', and i still have no emotion except anger, sadness, anxiety.

Then I'm thinking things like if i killed myself it couldn't be by the way i planned, it would have to look like an accident because i would never want my kids to know i did it to myself. And considering the way to manage that, with the practicalities and all.

[Victoria'smom]

Are you and your husband in therapy together or individual? Is that something you can afford to do? With time things change there are glimmers of hope for happiness. It won't always be suffering as long as we keep trying. Try to be gentle with yourself. It sounds like there's a lot of strain in your relationship.

[EmilyTheStrange]

Hi, we're not in therapy at all. We nearly separated last year and he agreed to go to marriage counseling which I've tried to get him to do for years. But once the dust settled he doesn't want to go.
I would like some therapy but i cant afford it. I'm having to pay for my daughter to go at the moment and my mum is having to help me because it was costing me £200 a month which i don't have.
I don't love him. Sometimes i don't even like him. We talked about it all last year and nothing has changed. He made no effort. Doesn't even seem to remember. But i cant talk to him without it becoming an argument because he's so defensive.

He doesn't understand my bipolar. I can't even talk to him, it just makes things worse. I have nobody to talk to except one friend who also has bp. I feel trapped in myself, in my marriage, in my job, in this life which isn't mine, it's everyone elses and i just get dragged along in the waves.

I'm scared about time and the future because our son has a medical condition that is most likely to get worse. Its always a sudden trigger for stress, anxiety, depression.
I have reached a limit i think. I am different to who i used to be. I don't have the strength any more to make things different. My self care is crap. I just want to disappear and be alone.

I don't know what to do any more

[pirilin]

Hello and welcome.
The simple fact that you took the time to write your threads, means that you want to feel better. I hope you do.
We are here for you. Anything else you wish to say, will help you in the healing process.
Most of us have being where you are now. Some better, some worse. We understand how hard it is to get rid of the dark veil. Keep trying. Never surrender. It will go away. I was like you for more than a year. My wife always told me it will go away. It did. It will go away same way it came. All the best for you.

[MatBell]

Know that you're not alone. I'm having a bad day too

[EmilyTheStrange]

Thank you for replies

I'm sorry you're having a bad day too MatBell
X

[EmilyTheStrange]

I think I've screwed up too, I've done something without discussing it. I make panic decisions when i feel like everything's out of control.
It's my daughter's birthday tomorrow and I'm going to have to fake being happy and interested even. It makes me feel like sh¡t to not be who i want to be and have to try and not ruin things for my kids.
Ugh
My head hurts from crying earlier. I also purged after eating, which is a release/harm thing for me.
I am sick of my head.

[EmilyTheStrange]

Another bad day.
Was upset earlier, but now I'm just angry.
So angry about nobody in this house appreciating anything i do, respecting what i say, helping me out except one day a week when a bit of tidying and floor cleaning happens while I'm at work. Having no financial support from my lazy selfish husband for the last 6 years! Having no consideration or understanding of anything i say. No respect for my opinions if they are not what someone wants to hear.

Today is mother's day in the UK, i don't make a big fuss of it, but today is just the same as all the other days. Being a housekeeper and servant.

Yesterday after work my (self absorbed) boss asked if i wanted to go to the pub, she said later on, but then changed her mind to right away. She was only inviting me i suspect because there was a 'hot guy' (one of god knows how many she talks about, who fancy her, want to sleep with her, most have girlfriends etc) there and she wanted an excuse to go over. Just using me.
Then he said something to her about me when we were leaving that i didn't hear, but she looked over at me laughing, so i asked, what? I don't mind a joke. But she just said, oh nothing.
I was already self conscious enough about being there, but try and ignore it or I'll never do anything.

Now husband's gone out to the field. A field he is spending time money and effort to piss about with, clear ground, when there's so much work needs doing in this house is beyond a joke that he does nothing.
He wants to sell our house and live in the ****ing field, without the right planning applications, which will of course lead to a fight with the council, which he is well up for.
I DON'T want to go live in this field. I DON'T to sell our house unless there's a solid plan to live somewhere sensible.
But what i think about this is irrelevant. He wants to do it no matter what. Whether i want to or not.

I've got so angry I've emptied a cupboard all over my kitchen because I'm sick of it being full of crap with him saying, i meant to do that today.

I've had it with being here, in this house, with these people, married to that man.

A "regular" therapist will NOT be who you want to go to! In the USA there are Women's Crisis Lines, and Abuse Recovery groups, most of which are free. A woman specialist in abuse is what you need now, and/or a group.

This sounds like a marriage I had. Your husband's behavior towards you is abusive. Plus, he is not working, you say....sponging off you and spending YOUR money!!! You must get assistance from a women's support group to leave him. He is ruining your life. You say "for years" the pattern has been over and over. You say "I am permanently unhappy. I always think 'if i do this/change that then maybe I'll be happy' so i do things, change things, over and over for years." So many abused women have the exact same experiences, with few variations. You husband knows EXACTLY WHAT HE IS DOING TO YOU. I know -- from my own experience -- that this is hard or impossible to believe. It took a lot of education, and proving to myself that these men DELIBERATELY mistreat sweet, loving women. (Sometimes there are men abused by women; and different non-hetero unions have these problems, too; but in hetero relationships it's mostly women who are abused).

It will be tough to leave him. Tough to want to leave him. Tough to leave safely. There are difficulties ahead, but think of this: "Do I want to live like this for the rest of my life???" There is life after abuse!!! I've had several abusive marriages, and some abusive bosses and co-workers, too. So I do know how it is for you. You will be able to move head, and protect your son, once free of him. You will likely grieve, despite your decisive actions, but give yourself a BIG CHEER once you and your son are free of him! Then gradually start getting together with friends, and take part in things you enjoy! I'm root'n for you, and know you can do this. Thousands -- likely millions -- of women have been successful, after years of enduring abuse, to get their life and health back.