[IntentOnHealing]

Can I cry on you? Please? I need someone who gets it. I am in pain and need to...let it out, I guess. I hope you don't mind... to be honest, I AM looking for attention....

I feel awful. Just crappy. I'm sad, deeply sad, but not every single second (which is confusing as hell), frustrated but also excited (kind of, fleetingly). I want to be alone, want company, want to just pretend my birthday is not happening...or have everyone in my family make a big deal out of it. To tell you the truth, I think I'm feeling a little sorry for myself.

It's not current mood swing stuff. I'm not in a mixed episode. I'm just riding the roller coaster of turning the big 5-0 and having those "look back at your life" moments that naturally occur with that.

And, woo-hoo! My life looks...decimated.

You guys know how it goes. Right? You build a career to have an episode tear it down. So you build it back up...and have it torn down by mania once again. You save your money...only to spend it away on a wild, wild ride. Congratulations! You now have nothing for retirement! Your relationships are in tatters (best friend hasn't spoken to me since October), my reputation is shattered (thanks hypersexuality). I know I'm lucky to be alive.

Hah. Right. Lucky. Every. thing. is. a. mess.

The depression swept in last November. I'm exhausted, still not dressing or bathing consistently, can't make decisions with any regularity, forget how to get back to my house on the way home from the grocery store. I don't want to eat--then eat like a horse, need to get out of the house--and am terrified to leave!

My 48/49th year brought me ten months of severe, delusional mania, followed by the deepest, ugliest depression I've ever been gashed with. It is ugly. It feels endless. I AM seeing and feeling some improvement, but..It's been SIX months of hospitalizations, meds changes, and therapy visits that are just way too short. And the stuff that goes with bipolar: guilt, confusion, needing to apologize, not being able to apologize, loss, grief, studying "the message in the mania," suicidal.ity, and on and on and on.

Where are my friends? A lot of them, they...haven't called in a long time and I wouldn't want to tell them the truth when they say, "How are you!?" anyway. My sisters? In large part they act like bipolar is contagious (maybe it is).

I wish my husband would get off his computer and hold me, but that doesn't even seem like a fair thing to expect when HIS life was ruined MY disease again, again, again.

I know what I'd say to you if this post was yours. I know I DO have the ingredients to take and whip this dam fiftieth year into shape, or fifty-first, maybe...eventually. I DO count my blessings. I AM grateful for the friends I still have left. I AM aware of my own improvement. I CAN encourage myself. Part of the time.

But, sometimes, just sometimes, don't you feel like hearing it in a different voice? One that doesn't come from your therapist, one that isn't inside your own head? One that sounds like YOURS?

[Daonnachd]

Well written. You are very good at saying what's on your mind.

Don't hesitate to put your feelings and thoughts out there. It can be cathartic.

I know I may not be a lot of help, but others will be.

[Unrigged64072835]

Happy birthday, Julie!

When I turned 50, it wasn't that big of a deal. I thought it would be but it just wasn't.

My life has a bunch of ups and downs, stupid stuff that I did, relationships that went thbbbt.
I can't feel guilt about it...what good would it do now? I live at where I'm at now. I'm not spending like crazy now. I'm not hypersexual now. I'm not impatient, running my husband into the ground, now. It's not kissing the past goodbye. It's putting it in its place--the past.

You still have a lot of potential to reinvent your life. That's what I'm doing now at 51, almost 52.

Lots of tissues and hugs.

[Daonnachd]

...and I forgot to add a "happy birthday" in there. May this prove to be happier than you can imagine.

[gina_re]

I love this, I can definitely relate to much of it. It's like you know what to do to feel better and make things right, but you just can't get yourself to do it. Having outside encouragement from someone who understands can make the difference, but then where does that even exist in my small circle of my non existent social life?

The depression swept in last November. I'm exhausted, still not dressing or bathing consistently, can't make decisions with any regularity, forget how to get back to my house on the way home from the grocery store. I don't want to eat--then eat like a horse, need to get out of the house--and am terrified to leave!

I'm right there with ya girl! I was like feeling like this yesterday. I swore I didn't need to eat. I've lost weight and to keep doing so, just don't eat. Well that didn't last long because then I ordered a pizza and desert, and well now I'm just like f it, who cares. So now I want all the junk food I can get, but I don't want to shower and get dressed to go get it. I'm always contemplating asking my mom to do so on her way home, but I shouldn't have to inconvenience her by going out of her way to stop by my house and shop for me.
We don't have the same story, but share the same feelings on different levels. Unfortunately I wish I had great advice, but I hold on to the hope that some day I'll feel better. I just live life one day at a time. Don't look to the future and don't look back.
btw Happy Birthday!!

Happy birthday, IntentOnHealing!!

I send you some popcorn, pepsi and an icecream! Enjoy it in your fantasy!

You deserve it!

Originally Posted by Fharraige

Happy birthday, Julie!

It's not kissing the past goodbye. It's putting it in its place--the past.

Yes, so it is, putting it where it belongs, ---- in the past!

[Sunflower123]

Happy birthday!!! I'm turning the big 5-0 next month and I can relate to much of what you said. You keep posting and we'll listen and offer support. You're not alone. I'm here if you need to talk. Hugs coming your way.

[hopeless2015]

Happy Birthday! Many of us understand, you are not alone. Keep posting if it helps!!

[Cocosurviving]

Happy born day ! I know your looking back over the past and it can be painful. Just know that you survived it and are still here. Enjoy your day

[scatterbrained04]

That was very well written. Can totally relate. Happy birthday!

[neverending]

Today I turned 65. A couple months ago I asked my daughter to give me a big party because 65 is a big deal. But I m more or less in isolation mode right now so I told her a month ago no party. I don't look back on or evaluate my past or how my life has gone n what I wished I could have done or couldn't have done. I can't change the past. I did the best I could in the times that I had including the hospitalizations. I m finally fairly stable now but I don't know how long it will last. Whatever.

[bipolar angel]

Happy Birthday IntentOnHealing! Hang in there,we are all here to listen and give support. I am 52 now,i have not had bipolar my whole life. It seemed to be triggered/come out after post partum depression...i'm hoping you can find some small thing each day to be happy about,be proud of, or each day be able to forgive yourself for 1 thing...1 think to be thankful for..
When I was really depressed this was how I had to live/think 1 day at a time.

[Wild Coyote]

Happy Birthday, Julie!

I, too, understand at least a good portion.
It's a tough road, no doubt. I am in a hellish depression and it takes a lot of determination, courage and patience to go on daily. I can only do it, lately, just an hour at a time. I keep hoping to get back on my feet.

I hope you recover, too, Julie.


WC

[IntentOnHealing]

Thank you, Vertigo and Scatterbrained. Kind words. And thank you also for birthday wishes along with Hopeless, Coco & Jennifer. You guys rock.

Jennifer, I hope your birthday is good! You are extremely sweet and you totally deserve it!

Fharriage--yes, past in the past. Yes, reinvent life. Still in that place where I am afraid, though, of who I will become. Was just thinking about that the other day. Asked hubby, "Who will I be when this is all over?" He thought I meant our marriage. Poor guy. This is so tough on him too.

Read a story about a federal prisoner turned Georgetown law professor in the Post. I actually felt jealous. I often feel jealous of others' successes when I am down. Like life is so damn unfair. If I didn't have this disease...When is it my turn? You know, thoughts like these are the stuff of my jealous dreams. Still, the story inspired me enough to copy and try to remember this line: "You can only change the future."

Thank you especially for the tissues. I'm not getting the kind of support I need from in-person people. I think they are sick of hearing about it. And I feel guilty for bringing it up.

gina_re, yes. know what I need to do too. But I can't do them either. I am adding things back in one by one. super basic things, like those related to grooming and keeping the house up. I had my husband buy facial towelettes last week so I can at least wash my face in the evenings. My complexion has been bumpy, oily, dry, zitty, and strange from not washing for days and sometimes weeks on end. I guess that's what happens when you are struggling to just take a dang shower occasionally. And I so get you about the eating thing. If you are worried about losing weight, at LEAST make sure to get enough fluids every day. I know how hard that is.

My therapist has been in communication with my husband and hubby now tracks my activities in Excel and emails results to T the results, including whether I eat (wouldn't if I weren't handed food most times, except for the junk you food you mentioned), do yoga, sleep, take meds, ect. I feel like screaming, "I AM SICK MONTHS IN! SHOULDN'T THIS BE BETTER BY NOW!?"

Singer, how did you know popcorn is my very most favorite foody thing int he world? when I can eat nothing else, I can eat popcorn. Thank you for sending!

neverending, happy birthday to you! your words were strengthening and encouraging. I totally know what you mean about the party. My husband and two of our friends were supposed to plan one for me. My husband being ADHD easily forgets things and he's also overwhelmed with just how our life is. I did NOT remind any of them.

Bipolar Angel, I will try to add this one thing, being thankful, to my routine when next I am able to add another thing. As I mentioned above, I added using the facial towelettes each night this week. I don't push myself to add something every week. I just do what I can, when I can. Gratitude is a big deal because it is a small thing that makes big changes. I am grateful for each of you and your support.

Wild Coyote, thank you so much for what you said about how it takes a lot of determination, courage, and patience to just go on each day. It does and the ups and downs are so frustrating. My therapist said I was courageous last week in session, but It's hard to believe that for very long. You have reminded me of these important words.

No body understands it like you guys do.

[bipolar angel]

Good morning Intentonhealing-how are you??? I hope still hangiing in there. Im glad your hubby is participating and talking to your T. Years ago,my musband just couldn't understand why the meds didn't work and why i didn't just get over it!! You are a very courageous and determined person-because you are nit giving up!you arw trying...don't quit,we are here for you