[wildflowerchild25]

I thought I was coping well with losing my job but depression hit yesterday big time. I think I may have had a dream that upset me because as soon as I woke up I felt horrible. I don't remember my dreams from Saturday night though. But anyway yesterday was hard. I stayed in bed until 9:30 when my son complained he was hungry and needed breakfast. Usually on the weekend I'm up at 8:30 at the latest. Then we went grocery shopping but I went to the expensive but less crowded store bc I couldn't deal with the crowds. I shouldn't have spent the extra money but I just couldn't handle the thought of all those people. When we came home I put the cold stuff away and then fell asleep on the couch for three hours. Didn't get to make dinner like I planned. My son got hungry and ate some chef Boyardee and didn't want to wait for the hour the meatloaf would have taken. So I ordered pizza. I literally ate out for almost every meal last week. I must have spent $200. But I just couldn't bring myself to make anything.

I struggled through work today. I am so embarrassed to be there. And it's so upsetting knowing I ****ed up so badly and I won't be there next year because of it.i wish I could blame it on bipolar but the real ***** of it is I was stable the whole year except for maybe a couple of days. And did I get observed on one of my depressed days? Yes, yes I did. Figures, right? I just feel so awful. I don't know how I could have done better. I just think I'm ****ed, no one else will give me a chance now. And even if they did I would just **** it up. I'm applying to other districts but certainly not holding out any hope. The one district I applied to had over 400 applicants for maybe 15 positions. That's not Happening.

I'm having such a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I may very well not have a job next year. I can get unemployment for awhile so I won't be totally ****ed but still.

And my brother and sister in law bought a house today. And here I am, 30 years old, jobless, single mom, living with my mom indefinitely. I feel like SUCH a loser. This isn't how my life was supposed to go. My husband and I surely wouldn't have had a house by now but we were out on our own again, at least we had that. But now I'm alone and living with my mom and now I have no job so I can't even consider moving out, not like I could before even with my job.

I was considering trying to get back into the dating scene but I have nothing to offer now. No job, no home of my own, I'm bipolar, and now I'm fat from my meds. I got nothing.

This has been a huge pity party for myself and I WILL pull myself up somehow but right now I just feel like the biggest loser in the world. And I can't even point to bipolar as the culprit.

[vjdragonfly]

Hopefully another job opportunity will come your way. Do you have the job for the rest of this year? If so, that gives you plenty of time to find a job you want. I'm sorry you are feeling so bummed out. I hope it gets better soon. Be kind to yourself

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. You have a lot on your plate right now...none of which makes you a loser or a failure. Be compassionate with yourself and take baby steps towards what you want. I'm here if you need to talk. Hugs coming your way.

[19J82]

Hey, you're not alone. I ****ed up royally last year and have lost my career, the job I loved as a result. It really sucks, but it's life. Like you, I'm back living with my parents as I've lost my marriage and my home as well as the job.
I know the feelings of worthlessness, the lack of self respect and the despair at facing life, but we have to go on.
You say you have a son, well guess what, to him you're the absolute best human being in the world. He loves you absolutely unconditionally, and even though I haven't met you, I know you'd do anything for him. No matter what crap life throws at you, you have your son and your family and their love.
A lot of people would give up going through all the crap that you're facing, but it's obvious from your post that you actually care, you're someone who gives a ****, so I have no doubt you'll fight to improve your situation, as I hope to do with mine.
And as Jennifer has said, there's always people willing to listen and talk things through on here.

[jacky8807]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this and feeling this way. I too know the feelings of defeat quite well. you have worked hard on your stability and you seem very bright and caring. I really think things will somehow fall into place for you.

[wildflowerchild25]

I didn't realize how much my brother buying the house was affecting me. I started crying while talking to my mom about it. It's just that it was supposed to be ME buying a house. I'm the older sister. I should have had a damn house before him. But no, my husband has to kill himself with drugs. I should have had a great long life with my husband and it was ripped away from me. I'm really sad about that.

I've been toying with doing online dating (it's the only way my reclusive *** would meet someone) but aside from feeling like I've got nothing to offer, I'm not sure I could ever open myself up to that again. I know now that everything can be taken away in an instant. I never expected my husband to die. I thought since my father had died I was safe from further tragedy. Like the universe or god just wouldn't let that happen. How ****ing stupid I was. I know now there is no god, no universal force. And anyone could die at any moment. I already live in fear and acceptance that my son will die before me (I believe he will die in his early twenties, don't ask me why, I don't know). I don't know if I could open myself up to love again, knowing that it could go so tragically wrong. And it's not just death. A guy could cheat, he could turn abusive, he could simply tire of my bipolar ways and leave me.

I just feel hopeless right now.

But I am starting my master's program tomorrow...I have a job for the summer...and of course I have my son (for now). So all hope is not lost. I know things will work out. I just wish I had faith in something. That would make it easier. But I can't fake what's not there.

Thanks for listening everyone.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I was fired twice in a 10 month period in 2008-2009. It was humiliating and depressing and terrible and I really wanted to just stop working. But I had to go back and wound up with a job as a short-term contracted employee and suddenly I was thriving at work. 9 months later I started a new contract and stumbled into my dream job and one I was very good at even though I expected to be terrible. I did that until I couldn't work any longer.

I know it is so hard now and you probably can't see past the idea that they let you go. But good things can come from really crappy ones. There's another job for you and whether it is teaching or something else you'll find what is right for you.

I know it feels awful. Thinking of you.

[Wild Coyote]

(((((( wildflowerchild ))))))

You have been through a lot. I'd imagine you are still trying to adjust to the loss of your husband, on top of all else. I'd like to write, "Have faith something will work out," yet I do understand that "faith" is not where it's at for you right now.

Take it day-by-day.
Have some hope, if that's possible.
Show yourself lots of compassion.

I hope it gets easier, soon.


WC

[raspberrytorte]

Hugs, wildflower

Things will get better.

[hopeless2015]

Hugs, your a really good person and good things will come your way. Sending big hugs

[19J82]

Nothing to add from what I said yesterday, but just want to say I hope today's been a better day for you

[wildflowerchild25]

Thanks. I talked to my therapist today so I feel a little better. We went through worst and best case scenarios. Best case, I get another teaching job. Worst case, I collect unemployment and focus on my master's. Worst case isn't SO bad. I just can't shake the thought that I'll never get another teaching job, though I know that's catastrophizing a bit. I do have an English degree though you can't do much with that. but it's something to think about.

Thanks again everyone. It's just going to take time. I'm already in a fragile place because the two year anniversary of my husband's death is just four weeks away. My brother buying a house highlighted that loss, and losing my job...well it's just a lot to deal with. I can do it though. I always do.

[wildflowerchild25]

TBH I'm feeling better today only because the girl they moved out of my class is now wreaking havoc in her new class. And while that's obviously not a good thing and I don't wish this on my co teacher, I feel a little better knowing it's not just me that she was acting up for. I'm disappointed that my superiors couldn't see that, but it makes me feel a bit less inadequate and that maybe i got dealt a tough hand and that I COULD do better somewhere else.

I've resigned myself to probably being unemployed for awhile. I'm going to throw my heart into my master's program and hopefully Come out better educated and stronger. And if nothing comes up this year, maybe next year.

[19J82]

With the anniversary of your husband's death coming up I'm not surprised you're feeling rather emotional, especially with everything at work as well. My sister lost her husband in March to cancer and it's ripped her life apart, and I can see it's something that will take a long time to heal. 2 years is a very short time, and I'm sure you are still fragile.
I have to be honest, to have got through a bereavement like that, bring up a son, have Bipolar and to have been holding down a job is blooming impressive.
As for the current situation, switch it on it's head so both situations are a win, you'll either be working which is a win, or working on your Masters, also a win.