[raspberrytorte]

I had a nasty episode that started last April and went through August.

I'm a writer. At the beginning of the episode I wrote half of a novel. My problem is that I associate writing with the episode, like the writing triggered it. Because of that I'm afraid to write anything! I can not go crazy again. I'm paranoid that if I went crazy again my husband would leave me for good.

There's already a bunch of things that I used to do that I avoid now because they trigger me. It just sucks.

Does anyone else have a similar problem?

I'm so afraid to be creative again!

[Happy Camper]

Sometimes I stop or limit my usage of electricity, such as not using lights, or not posting anything on the internet. I tend to think it effects me somehow.

Yes, many things are triggering for me that I used to deeply enjoy. I'm afraid of doing so much and too paranoid currently to even type what they are. Writing is one of those many things. I'm so very sorry you battle this and really hope you can move past it and enjoy writing again Raspberry. (((Hugs)))

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. You're not alone. I am also sorry for the episode that you went through. It would be normal to try to stay away from triggers. When you're ready, you could try to write a few pages and wait a few days and see how that impacts you.

Thinking of you.

[meekayla]

Oh my god I'm having that exact same problem! I want to work on my novel but I can't because I'm afraid it'll plunge me back into an episode. For now I guess I'll just wait until I'm more stable and then try again, but I have no clue if that'll work

[Faltering]

I'm also a creative writer. I have an unfinished novel I can't go back to because it was written during the deepest depression I have ever experienced. I don't want to relive those feelings because they may very well trigger an episode.

For me it's more about music though. There are a few songs I listened to in my first major mixed episode that I cannot listen to anymore without breaking down. I almost feel like my brain has traumatized itself.

One of the best things I ever figured out about myself was what activities tend to push me into hypomania (and eventually lead to a crash into mixed or depressed). My therapist and I really did a lot of investigative/introspective work on figuring that out and then set up a plan to moderate those activities in the future. I honestly think figuring that out helped prevent future episodes.

For me, one of my trigger activities was marathon grading of papers. I'm an English teacher, and there was a time when I would sit and grade on a weekend for 10-20 hours, not getting needed sleep, ultra-focused on that task. It would set of hypomania in me and start a pattern of episodes ever stinking time. I didn't recognize it until we really started putting together a timeline of activities just prior to rolling into an episode, and when I finally saw it on paper, it was a revelation. I no longer do that. I forbid myself to do that. I grade for no more than a couple hours at a time now, and I take frequent breaks. It really makes a difference.

The other thing that sets me off is cleaning and organizing around the house. It starts of innocuously enough, but just like the grading, if I do too much for too long in a day, it rolls into hypomania. I stop sleeping. I start organizing and moving furniture even in the middle of the night. I've learned to limit the amount of time and the number of tasks I try to accomplish in a day because if not, I'll just roll right on into hypomania and into a pattern of episodes that ends in a really bad place.

It isn't the same as writing a novel, but in a way it is. Those are activities that were very goal-oriented and made me feel like I was accomplishing something useful. I've learned I can still do those things but I must do them in smaller time-frames so that I don't become hyperfocused and set myself off.

Moderation in everything has become my motto.

[*Laurie*]

Ugh, yes! Many people tell me to keep a journal, but I haven't been able to because the very writing triggers my anxiety. So very frustrating.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

I had a nasty episode that started last April and went through August.

I'm a writer. At the beginning of the episode I wrote half of a novel. My problem is that I associate writing with the episode, like the writing triggered it. Because of that I'm afraid to write anything! I can not go crazy again. I'm paranoid that if I went crazy again my husband would leave me for good.

There's already a bunch of things that I used to do that I avoid now because they trigger me. It just sucks.

Does anyone else have a similar problem?

I'm so afraid to be creative again!

i have bp1 with psychosis my first break was due to work...I had so much going on and had to do an oral presentation at a national meeting on top of it. Work caused my break and while initially I was fighting like a champ against the illness the more stable I became the more afraid I became...I started pulling back on my work, at first it was still at an OK level but the more I pulled back the slower my thinking became which lead to more pulling back. I lost my job. I have a new one but now I'm pushing....I think I'm probably hypomanic now but I'm counting on the meds to protect me from the psychosis and full mania....maybe it's reckless but I already lost one job due to fear, I can't afford to lose another. If you're a writer can you afford not to write?

[LadyShadow]

I love to write too, but writing isn't triggering for me because I push myself. I have the problem that once I am stable, I have terrible writer's block and my creativity is just well....gone.

See how you do with a few pages and if it feels like you are going manic again, just stop. Try not to do it all in one sitting as hard as that may be for you. I think we tend to want to finish everything in one shot and that makes us go straight into the mania.

Good luck!

[Unrigged64072835]

Not all books have to be finished. Sometimes it's best to leave it aside and work on something else. Some short stories, maybe?

I wanted to learn how to paint but one traumatic experience killed it for me. It's okay because now I write poetry and do web site stuff. I gave my paining stuff to my daughter, who is a really good artist. Even when I'm cooking I'm creative. As long as the mojo is working somehow it'll be there.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Yes you sound paranoid and anxious. Are you taking an AP right now?? But I too get like this especially lately. I watched "Manchester by the sea" last night and cried about 3 times because it brought up past emotions. So yea ill be avoiding that movie. And certain songs that remind me of painful stuff will just make me cry and quiver like a scared animal. Are you sure it's your writing that's causing this or just a coincidence?? I hope you feel better

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. You're not alone. I am also sorry for the episode that you went through. It would be normal to try to stay away from triggers. When you're ready, you could try to write a few pages and wait a few days and see how that impacts you.

Thinking of you.

Just writing a little bit every night is what my husband recommended I do and try not to get too much into it and if I did start getting too much into it to take a few days off.

So thanks for the advice. I'm still scared to even do that though!

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by meekayla

Oh my god I'm having that exact same problem! I want to work on my novel but I can't because I'm afraid it'll plunge me back into an episode. For now I guess I'll just wait until I'm more stable and then try again, but I have no clue if that'll work

I know it's awful what we're going through regarding being creative. But it makes me feel better there's another writer going through a similar thing.

Hopefully we'll both overcome our fears!

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by RxQueen875

Yes you sound paranoid and anxious. Are you taking an AP right now?? But I too get like this especially lately. I watched "Manchester by the sea" last night and cried about 3 times because it brought up past emotions. So yea ill be avoiding that movie. And certain songs that remind me of painful stuff will just make me cry and quiver like a scared animal. Are you sure it's your writing that's causing this or just a coincidence?? I hope you feel better

I'm only paranoid and anxious regarding my writing. I'm on haldol. I don't think my fears are a coincidence.

[raspberrytorte]

Thanks everyone for the responses! It makes me feel better that others are having similar problems regarding creativity.