[eXCell1st]

Hi everyone,

Brand new to the forum. I'm so glad a space like this exists. I was initially diagnosed with BPD type 2 almost ten years ago but didn't fully accept the diagnosis and start trying to manage it until about 3 years ago. My life, as the rest of ours, has been a series of successes and failures, but the instability and failures seem to grow with intensity and frequency every passing year.

I'm 30 years old and have had a measure of success in my life within the "job field." I've worked at the highest levels of national government and state government within the renewable energy field. I tell you this not to brag, but to at least give you some kind of understanding.

Basically, it comes down to this. I'm great at achieving things and equally, if not better, at destroying those things. Recently, I began a job at the Governor's office out here in the west and was over the moon about it. However, I had a huge amount of trepidation and fear about this job because every time I restart after a self-imploding failure and get back to a high level of employment, I always find a way to self-sabotage.

Sure enough, not even two months into the job, I'm on the verge of losing it and being back to ground zero. A week ago, I went into a huge hole and called in sick on Monday. The same thing happened on Tuesday and in my fear and insanity, I decided to create the biggest whopper of a lie I've ever told to a boss. Instead of just saying "I have bipolar disorder and I'm not well" I decided to come up with a real chronic condition as to why I was so ill. I said I had continuous variable immunodeficiency (CVID). Google it if you want. I proceeded to be out for the rest of the week and including today (Monday). Now that I've been out for over 3 days, I'm required to submit a medical release form to allow me to return to work.

I could easily pay $18 and create a decent medical release form (plenty of sites out there), but I don't even know if I want to do that. The last time I had a job of this level and magnitude, I punished myself by quitting because I wasn't perfect in the job. I'm this close to sending an email to my boss saying I quit, but I don't know. It's just repeating the same cycle again and again. I already hate myself for being a liar and manipulating my boss, and I'm at a point where I just want to be done with it. I know I love the chaos. I feed off of it. It's like I can't stand to have a steady, good paying job and find ways to self-sabotage. At this point, I don't know what to do, and time is not on my side.

I've copied the text of the email I am thinking about sending below. I'm sorry I haven't painted the clearest picture of my situation but it would take thousands of words to explain it all clearly. Thanks so much for reading.

Hi XXXX,

Thank you for the information. I'm honestly at a loss of words at this point to explain my situation. As you know, I was so very excited to receive this job offer and be back in the field I'm passionate about. I know my style didn't always mesh with the office but you always made room and accommodations for that, which I appreciated immensely. I honestly think at this point that in your best interest and in the office's best interest, I should no longer be employed there. And it is so much more than just the CVID. I thought I was stable and healthy enough to take on this much larger responsibility compared to XXXX and I was dead wrong. Ever since leaving DC in January 2015, everything I've worked towards had been building towards a position such as this. And now I've blown it. I can easily get the medical release form that is needed for me to return to work, but I feel like I've destroyed any credibility and trust moving forward. Am I allowed to come into the office and discuss this with you before receiving the medical release form? The soonest I'll be able to get it is Wednesday afternoon.

I'm truly sorry for wasting your time, XXXX's time, the office's time, and the XXXX's time. I'm honestly not in a healthy place at all right now and you need someone who is going to be reliable and healthy, without having to worry about personnel issues. Trust me when I say no one is more disappointed and devastated about this decision than I am. Thank you for the patience and understanding you have extended to me thus far.

Looking forward to your reply,

XXXX

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I don't have great advice with this situation but I wanted to tell you that I'm listening and bump this up to where someone might have helpful ideas for you.

[Sunflower123]

I don't have any advice either. I just wanted to lend my support. Hopefully others will have good advice.

[Victoria'smom]

Do you think you can go back to work? Get your PCP or Urgent care to write you a vague medical release. Quitting sounds like career suicide. Call your Psychiatrist for an emergency appointment.

My advice here would be a two pronged approach. First, I think you need to have a face to face discussion with your manager to explain the situation. The conversation may even be off the record, but a conversation should happen in my opinion nonetheless. Second, you should follow up with a professional, succinct letter formally announcing your resignation from the position due to personal reasons.

Then in your letter simply state that effective immediately (or two weeks, depending on how your conversation goes) you resign from your position due to personal reasons beyond your control. But by no means send an email where you claim to be "dead wrong" and that you have "blown it".

Edit

I don't think that quitting is career suicide unless you are truly out to self-sabotage and burn as many bridges on the way out as possible. You may need to get your personal affairs in order first before you begin working on your career. Obviously gainful employment will get you much easier access to healthcare and getting the help that you need. But, if you cannot work due to your condition it may be time to explore other options.

[Daonnachd]

I agree with neodk. Be careful what you take responsibility for.

[~Christina]

Having BP in general complicates everyones life , which is sad but I do think we have the ability to minimize the explosions if we get proper treatment and learn coping skills and learning to catch ourselves as early as possibly..

Welcome to PC

[Wild Coyote]

I agree with neodk's and Christina's responses and would like to add:

If you are in a pattern of self-sabotage, please get help with this.
You have enough insight to realize you are, at times, self-sabotaging. You can go far in therapy with your insight.


WC

[Naynay99]

Hey. Sorry you are in this situation. My only advice would be to NOT send the email you shared with us. You can thank them for the opportunity and as another poster said explain that due to medical reasons or whatever you need to resign (if you truly do).
But I would not go into detail and definitely not take Responsibility for not doing a good job, having wasted their time, blown it, or lost your credibility, etc. Let them decide what you did or didn't do- don't give them ammunition that could later get used against you. You may need them as a reference, or businesses talk so if u later look for a job in the same field it could Come back to bite you in the arse.

Do you truly need to/want to resign? If you need to get out of your lie, could you somehow say that it turns out cvid was a misdiagnosis, and that it turns out you actually have a mood disorder, for which you could get a real medical release form from a pdoc? Idk, I am not generally in favor of sharing a MI dx with a workplace but in this case it might save you. It's just one idea. I'm Really sorry you have had to deal with this pattern of career success followed by self sabatoge. Therapy might help you to resolve this. Hang in there. Good luck.

Originally Posted by Naynay99

If you need to get out of your lie, could you somehow say that it turns out cvid was a misdiagnosis, and that it turns out you actually have a mood disorder, for which you could get a real medical release form from a pdoc?.

I would strongly advise against using a lie to get out of another lie. The OP has admitted to self-destructive behavior in the past, and compulsive lying would just make a poor situation worse.

[bioChE]

I wouldn't disclose any further medical specifics. It's not their place to know, whatever it is. If you need a general medical release form, go to your psychiatrist and get one.

[eXCell1st]

Hi everyone,

Wow. I'm amazed at how many people have responded. Thank you so, so much. In my impatience, I sent that email exactly as is last night at 3:00am before my post was approved. Today is now Day 7 of not being at work.

I have yet to get a response from my boss which is probably a very bad sign. This also isn't the first time I've committed career suicide. I somehow manage to eventually get back to where I was before, but never any healthier. I always chase prestige and a job title over investing in my health and well-being and the cycle just repeats itself. I guess that's why I'm not so utterly devastated this time because I've become so used to blowing my own life up. My life is completely one dimensional in that my purpose is derived from a job. My relationships with my siblings is non-existent, but I am lucky enough to have incredibly supportive parents.

I honestly don't know what's going to happen next, and I'm terrified to even show my face at work. I obviously have to at some point. I know I'm in this weird zone of depression and hypo mania.

I know none of you even know me, but thank you seriously for even making the effort to type out a few words in response to me. You're all kinder than you probably give yourselves credit for.

[Naynay99]

Originally Posted by neodk

I would strongly advise against using a lie to get out of another lie. The OP has admitted to self-destructive behavior in the past, and compulsive lying would just make a poor situation worse.

Good point. Lying got them into this mess to begin with.
It probably would just complicate things even more.

Idk exactly what a medical release form is tbh- is it just a medical clearance letter saying you can go back to work or is it you releasing medical info to be shared with someone or what?

Anyway hope things work out with best possible scenario.

The form basically says that you are OK to come back to work and whatever condition prevented you from returning before is under control or has been addressed.

[eXCell1st]

Hi again everyone,

Here's the latest update from my boss in response to my email:

Hi XXX,

In response to your email this morning, I did want to make clear that we have been very happy with your performance in the office. I'd like to sit down with you before any final decisions are made and so please go ahead with obtaining a medical release. Given XXXX's schedule, I'd like to sit down with you and XXXX early next week if that works for you.

Thanks,

XXXX

Sooooo....yeah. At this point I have no idea what to do. I shared that email with a close friend of mine and he asked quite plainly asked, "Why are you so committed and resigned to self destruction?" That's a completely fair and valid question. It really comes down to me not believing I deserve good things. Any healthy person (although if they were healthy would never have put themselves in this situation) would jump all over this second chance. But there's a part of me that loves the chaos. The insanity. The unknown. The drama. There's also a part of me that just wants to come clean and explain everything to them. And if I get let go then, I get let go. But at least I'll have been honest.

Feeling insane.

[CANDC]

Hi eXcell1st says that he wants to sit down with you that he is hoping you can find a way to work within the organization. That is encouraging news if you still want to work there. It is your decision, but everyone needs a job.

A friend has found in previous employment that the boss does not need to or want to hear all the personal problems. My friend's boss said "I am trying to run a business. I don't need to know all your personal problem. Just show up and do your job".

The boss also said if you need therapy or a psychiatrist the company health insurance covers that. That was helpful to my friend. They got through each day, kept quiet with coworkers, signed up for therapy and told their therapist their problems. They never look back with regrets.

You could contact a mental health provider your insurance covers and ask for an emergency appointment or ask to be put on cancellation list.

Here are some lifestyle changes that may help get things back to stable. Eat healthy meals 3-4 times per day, sleep 8 hours or more per night, nap if needed, exercise, and take an interest in something like a hobby or television show.

All the best to you.

A friend has found in previous employment that the boss does not need to or want to hear all the personal problems. My friend's boss said "I am trying to run a business. I don't need to know all your personal problem[s]. Just show up and do your job".

I agree with this statement.

Your supervisor just wants to manage - see both you and the company succeed. Show up, do your job and leave work at work. Supervisory work is hard enough as it is. Getting down to a personal level with employees complicates things.