Perpetuating depression

When I first became symptomatic again (around 5 years ago), I was completely out of my mind. I was very very manic, then very very mixed and then into a crippling depression. It was still the worst episode I've ever had. I blame the extent of my illness at that point to the fact that I had no idea I was sick. I had no idea that I could possibly be out of my mind. It was a crushing psychotic break and I had become deeply insane.

The thing is, since I didn't realize I was sick, life went on as usual. When I was manic and mixed, keeping my routine was not an issue at all. Then when I was depressed, the same happened. I got out of bed between 4 and 5 AM. I spent an hour of time drinking my coffee, praying and reading the Bible. After that I would straighten my house, open the blinds, and get ready for the 3 kidddos I kept in my home. When they got to my home, I would feed them breakfast then they would spend time playing, watching TV for 1/2 hour and reading before taking their first nap. I would catch up on my laundry and work on a daily chore while they were sleeping (I rested during their 2nd nap and rest times) . I wasn't perfect by any means but I was on top of my life, ya'll. I was this organized even when I was miserably depressed.

Fast forward to the depressions I have had while not keeping kiddos, to the depressions I've had since I was pregnant with my daughter. I haven't gotten off of the couch. I feel like missing my morning coffee makes me stay on the couch until 2 PM (generally until AT LEAST then). I feel like if I could lose the laziness and just get off the couch to make a cup of coffee, I would actually get things accomplished. And, that is proof positive in that if I have something to do early in the morning, I will get up and do it and then I can come home and actually work on my house. It is a frustrating cycle that is perpetually damaging to my family and me.

Anyone else experience this? Any body have any suggestions as to getting up and getting started when it isn't completely necessary? According to my husband, I just remind myself that I don't have the time to be depressed. My mom says I need to figure this out so that I don't sleep away the summer. My pdoc has me seeing my t twice a week to learn to manage my depression but she won't prescribe another anti depressant as she is afraid it will make me spin out of control. It is so defeating.

I don't think you are lazy. Not at all. I do that number as well. I get up in the morning and say I will get out of this recliner and accomplish X and I'll keep moving. Each day passes me by and I sink further and further into depression. I think that's one of the great lies of depression.

I hope tomorrow you do get off that couch and accomplish something. That would be a victory for all of us. Please don't beat yourself up if you don't. Maybe someone else on this forum will have an answer. Thinking of you.

I wish I had a good solution.

For me, the depression can become paralyzing and it's impossible to make myself do things during these times. I am currently trying a different approach. I set an alarm for 3 a.m. and take a dose of one of my ADs then. (In this case, it's Wellbutrin.) I go back to sleep and awaken approx. 4 hours later with a much clearer head and feeling slightly energized. I've only done this for 3 mornings so far, so I doubt I've discovered all of the pros and cons to this approach. As we all know, we all react differently.

I do understand. I'm still in January, even though the calendar says June.

I have some very important projects that desperately need attention. There is a deadline and I must get at them. I hope my depression lifts soon so I can meet the deadlines.

I hope your depression lifts asap, too!


WC

If I didn't have a little one to look after I'd totally end up sleeping all day. I'm so tired. I understand. I hope you're able to accomplish something tomorrow.

Fear and anxiety is what motivates me to keep to some degree of productivity every day. I haven't worked in three years and am financially dependent on my husband of 7 years.

I also have little ones to take care of but i generally still spend my time on the couch (minus feeding them and loving on them) and unfortunately I miss more of their time growing then necessary. It's rather horrible on my part. Thankfully my husband (because of his shift) is home most of their waking hours and my mom usually fills in the blanks. When mom is around she usually pulls me out of bed and forces me to spend time with all of them. This sometimes works but can also make matters worse.

Will she consider prescribing Latuda for you? It has helped me not only with bipolar depression but keeping my mood stabilized, as well.

As Abraham Lincoln said

It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away." How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!

Sorry you're feeling bad. You're not lazy; I've had days where all I did was lie on the couch and cry. I didn't have anybody at the time so I had to do things. Nowadays I read books in the home office (when I'm not on the computer). I make myself stay off the couch until 3 PM.

I have heard, of course "this too shall pass," but I had no idea where it originated. That is quite a beautiful sentiment. Thanks for sharing.

Perhaps. We haven't discussed it at this point. After coming down from a mad, psychotic mania, I hardly think she will be willing to make any changes at this point.

I hear what you're saying. Much like you, I've always been able to make myself function even during very severe depression. This episode I'm in now, I make it to work but spend my evenings and weekends in bed or on the couch. I've been trying to "will" myself into functioning for 2 months.

Anyways, I'm certain that the way depression feels changes episode to episode. Different make up of symptoms each time. Lethargy must be prominent in your current episode. Be gentle with yourself. It is not your fault. All you can do is keep trying.

don t have advice. just wanted you to know I have been there! wishing and hoping you to feel better soon!

I'm mixing up a little chicken soup for the soul and sending it your way

What really kills me is I had my first job since when I did keep kids and I lost it. Apparently it doesn't go over very well when you act strangely at work. Fortunately, when I kept the kids, the bizarre behavior extended to hyper-religiosity and since I, and the parents of the kids I kept, were also Christians, it just looked like I was super spiritual (a positive it seems ). As a matter of fact, I was super spiritual. I was a prophet of sorts (or so I believed). It was so dangerous for me to keep those kids while unchecked but few people knew what to look for and those that did were in denial. Funny how life changes. I hate this illness!

Latuda is an antipsychotic with antidepressant properties show to specifically help bipolar depression, that's the only reason why I mentioned it. I thought maybe it could help.

Hopefully that is our next step!