[ComfortablyNumb5]

Yea so we're bipolar. We get tantrums, crying spells, straight up stuck to your bed. Well I had the lovely pleasure of driving my dad around and my MI came up. What he had to say broke my heart. He said "the things you say and text when you get mad are so horrible I cry at night. I hate opening my phone and seeing what you've said the night before because you were pissed." That friggin hurt to hear. Omg. My dad and I aren't even that close since I can't work and he sees me as a... well in his words... "a loser". So yea I get pissed. And most of the time I'm drunk from self medicating when I go off on a rampage. But don't get me wrong, as mean as it may sound, it's actually how I feel. I just have a ****** way of getting my point across. I read my own texts too. I'm evil. I say things that will make you want to hop off a cliff. I'm sick. My anger is out of control. But my dad was sitting a foot away from me and telling me how much my words and actions hurt my family. He wasn't mean at all about it. Pretty concerned actually. But to hear it killed me. I'm a monster. Yea my dad and I aren't the closest but he raised me and made a good home for us kids and I'm being nothing but nasty because of my temper when I'm mixed or manic. I'm not a "fun" manic. I'm the type of manic that will speak words that will make you want to dig your own grave and hop in.

This is my vent. I'm an a$$h0le

[Ocean Swimmer]

Oh RX
You are a sweet caring loving person.
It's not us --- it's the disorder that gets us into stuff.
Message me and leave Dad out of the loop if you like. Love ya.

[Nammu]

It's the addictions that are talking.

[Wild Coyote]

I've known a lot of people living with BP and I'm not aware of any of them acting in the ways you describe yourself. I don't think it's the BP.

That said, you are in pain and I hope you feel better soon.


WC

[Icare dixit]

I also think (but how would I know) it's not the BP. The BP probably just makes it worse.

It's insecurity, misguided beliefs and confidence, I'd say. Borderline things.

[bioChE]

When you're drunk, it's not the BP talking. You can't blame that on a manic episode.

[Icare dixit]

At least you're honest. Just explain yourself. What you truly believe and what was just you being stupid, irrational. Drinking is not a lasting solution. But not that much worse than benzos or any other anxiolytic drug. It does taste better.

[~Christina]

Its impossible to find any kind of stability while drinking, but you know that.

I give your dad credit for saying what he said , Maybe you needed to here it.

You are not an *** hole , Your addicted... You can change that. You deserve a better life.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Yes my substance abuse may fuel it but I do/say stuff like this sober too. It may be my BPD too. I don't know. People tell me I'm intelligent with a huge heart. I just don't see it. And if I were to tell the history of why I get angry at people such as my dad, you may agree with me lol. He gave me the necessities to live when I was young but there was a lot of emotional abuse which I now have PTSD from. Not going to lie, when I go off, i more than likely mean it. Just have a ****** and immature way of showing it. It just hurts to hear that I actually hurt others. If my dad or family didn't give af about my outbursts I'd be fine. I just hate hurting people. But in my dads case, he deserves it sometime. Maybe not in the way I say it... but he's no saint. And neither am I

[xRavenx]

I can relate. Especially lately. Underneath all that you are describing, you are a caring person. Clearly, you do not like hurting others. These BP mood swings are not something we choose. Sure, of course they say learning how to "manage" is key, but it's only natural with this condition that we are going to go through some times where it really does seem impossible to control. The good thing is that you have a direction to go in as far as moving forward. You have my support

[Icare dixit]

It's like a bursting dam. You dissociate yourself from your feelings until you can no longer do so. Being open about how you feel in a constructive way is key. It's a typical BPD problem. In a way, the essence and only problem. Or one of three main problems, the others being insecurity and a desire for clarity and a pain/punishment addiction/dependence which makes one hurt and sabotage oneself (and in the process hurt or alienate others).

[Blaire]

Anger is a b***h. It's so easy to lose control and hurt people. It makes sense that that's when you'd say the ***** you truly feel. I don't know if you have access to therapy, but it sounds like you have very real problems with your dad that you deserve to feel better about. It sounds like you have guilt around the anger, which I bet just makes you angrier. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Anger was worse for me when I was drinking to self medicate. I'm in recovery now, but it took rehab, therapy, and lots of meds to get me here. My anger was always toward myself. I would upset people by saying horrible things about myself.

I still get very mad and irritable sometimes when I'm hypo and it's very hard to stop myself from snapping at people or abusing myself.