[Miss Laura]

I have always thought I have accepted my diagnosis. I mean its been 7 years, 8 years or more of pain but 7 years diagnosed. Today I was speaking to my worker and she asked me where I am going in my life. You see I was at college Jan-May but I don't think college is for me. I mean I struggled with the routine of getting up and going there plus I was having to use a taxi so I wasn't late which is financially difficult. Also my anxiety while at college was really high and I had to walk out of a class while there.

Today I have realised I haven't accepted my diagnosis and I resent it. I have stopped my meds which I know is stupid but not encouraged but I don't want to take them anymore. I feel they have worked and I am no longer ill if I was ill in the first place. I miss my old life. I miss working, having money (unlimited at that), friends, colleagues, respect, dignity, a life and more. I miss what I use to do and how I was and acted. Okay I'll admit it I DO NOT miss the deep deep depression or the scary highs. I admit it the meds DO work I can see that.....

My worker says what about a job... I wish... I have applied for at least 8 jobs over the years and I have been turned down for every one cause the line of work I am looking at is what my job use to be before I became ill. I was a Support Worker working with men in a challenging behaviour unit who had Autism. It made me crazy BUT I loved it. You have to work night-shift and wake in nights plus 24 hours. I can't do any of these cause I "supposedly" take meds. I mean I am only on 2 meds for my Bipolar. Its not like I take loads is it.

I am stubborn and I have high expectations for people and of myself. I know this for a fact. I know for a fact I have high anxiety and social anxiety and its never going to be great. I understand all of this but I don't understand the Bipolar part.

I guess I am just frustrated in life and with life. I am angry at myself for being so bloody weak. I know you will all say I am not weak but that's the way I feel. I feel deflated in and with life. I don't know what to do???

Plus I am going through changes to my benefits for disability. Which is stressing me out

Any way's thanks for reading this!!

[hopeless2015]

I'm sorry your struggling right now HUGS! I went off my Latuda a few months back because I thought it wasn't doing anything g for me....didnt turn out so well and ended up back on. If you know the meds work, why not stay on them. I know I get sick of taking all these pills but without them I don't function unfortunately. Please keep posting your frustrations, getting these things off your chest is a good thing.

[Miss Laura]

Thanks Hopeless2015,

I understand what you are saying about staying on the meds. I get it they were given for a reason and I should take them no matter what as they are helping and I am aware of this I really am. But then my head tells me I don't need them and I am like nah its cool I can cope/manage without them. I have been off them for about nearly a week and there is no difference in me. I am not manic more "stable" at the moment.

I feel depressed thinking about getting a job but equally I am dying for a job. I do volunteer so I am not a complete bum. I do feel like a bum though most days. Plus I think about my suicide note I wrote years ago every day. I can't get it out of my head no matter how hard I try and I am aware I must of been really really ill to be thinking like that. But I get frustrated that I am still here but that I am letting it haunt me

I feel screwed up if I am honest!

[bukowski06]

Have you considered taking online classes? I am in an online masters program and it has been great. It saves me so much time in terms of commuting.

[Miss Laura]

I would but the online course I did the last time I was so distracted. I'll consider looking into it again though. I fear I'm not clever enough though. I have a fear of failing so I don't try things as it's really a big deal for me.

[Unrigged64072835]

I'm taking online classes because I can't sit still in a crowded classroom. I would freak. I was nervous too, because I haven't been to college in over a decade. I'm actually doing really well. I look at it as something to get the gears in my brain to work smoother. I don't have high expectations.

I would like to have a job too, but I would be losing double on my disability. Both LTD and SSDI would go down. Since my disability is putting a roof over my family's head I'm not sure what I would do. Would also volunteer but agoraphobia kicks my butt.

I relate to much of what you say and understand the, "I know it makes no sense but still feel that way" feeling. You're not alone, Miss Laura.
Post as much as you find helpful. It's good for working through things.

[Miss Laura]

Today I have had to go and renew my free bus pass from the local council house. I turned up waited 20 minutes to be told my disability letter is too old its 5 years old and is due for renewal next month. I am in the process of being assessed by the new benefit we are all going on in the UK called PIP (Personal Independant Plan) I only had my assessment on 21st June. They will take anywhere between 4-8 weeks to decide I can't wait that long. My letter will not be renewed from the Disability place cause of this. Which means come 18th July I will NOT have a buss pass and will have to pay for my travel as I live too far out to walk into the city centre. I can't afford this as if I am declined PIP they will stop my money as I am no longer allowed to have it. I will then have to appeal PIP which can take up to 2 months. Can you tell I am stressing out!! I have had a cry this afternoon cause of this I am worried sick. I am going to talk to my worker on Tuesday see if she can do anything.... doubt it though. I know my PIP paperwork has been sent in from the assessment centre as the lady on the phone said so. So that's a relief. I have been told some people have had their's through the post in 6 weeks.... I don't have 6 weeks.

Sorry for being such a pain my anxiety is through the roof and maybe its partly cause I am off my meds and partly cause I am high strung???????????? Who knows

I am pretending everything is good but I don't think I am

(((((((((Miss Laura))))))))) You're not not being a pain. That's a very stressful situation! I hope it can be resolved as soon as possible.

[Miss Laura]

I spoke to my friend today and she wants me to talk to my workers as I am off the meds. I know what they are going to say. I will be disappointing them again for coming off the meds. I do this so many times a year it's unreal. I feel like a failure for doing stupid things and for letting people down. Life seems to be a drag at the moment.

Thanks Innerzone, I don't think it will be but I am glad someone is looking positive to the future lol.... My warp sense of humour here

[bioChE]

Any particular reason you quit your meds? I often get the urge to do the same, but don't act on it for a variety of factors.

[Miss Laura]

I don't believe I need them nor that I have bipolar.

[bioChE]

Originally Posted by Miss Laura

I don't believe I need them nor that I have bipolar.

Fair enough. What convinced you to take them in the first place?

[Miss Laura]

I was told I had Bipolar and the meds worked when I was unwell. I don't think I'm unwell at the moment although I'm very stressed out and weepy

[Sunflower123]

A poster mentioned on-line classes if you were able to focus. You could also go through student services since you have a disability and ask for accommodations if you actually want to go to class. Doing volunteer work is a good intermediate step in getting a job. It's a step in the right direction. I hope your PIP papers come in soon. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time and I hope you start feeling better soon.

[Miss Laura]

Thanks Jennifer 1967, I'm going to look at college again see if I can do a course part time or evening. I volunteer at different organisations doing different things but unsure if I want a job in those areas.

[Miss Laura]

I blubbed in front of my Sister and her partner. They were really nice about it. My friend said I should tell my Sister about stopping my meds but I just can't do that

[Miss Laura]

So I have been an idiot and been off the meds. I am now back on them as of today. I know I have been stupid and I don't really like the idea of taking the meds even now but I think I need to. I am not suffering any side effects (paranoia, delusions, higher anxiety, shakes more than normal or hang over effects). I am feeling really good actually. But last night I was telling a friend who also has bipolar and she kinda made me realise I am playing with fire here. As I say I am not 100% certain I want to be on the meds. Anyways thanks for all the posts means a lot to me.

[bioChE]

It's probably a wise decision to go back on the meds. In most cases, someone with a BP diagnosis never goes into a permanent remission. There are such cases, but they're few and far between.

There is a lot of evidence for meds preventing or lessening future episodes.

[Miss Laura]

Spoke to my Psychologist today and we spent a whole session on why I need the meds but equally why I need to take them. She said if I wanted to come off them then that is something we can see about but you need to prove you have all the coping mechanisms and strategies in your tool box before they will consider it, they meaning my support team (Psychiatrist, Psychologist, CPN, Community Worker). I said I need them its just sometimes I want to be normal again back to the way I felt years ago. Then she reminded me it wasn't all good back then. Which I know and understand. But for the mean time I am back on them